10/6/05---Now, the tale can be told....

So we started doing this trial on Monday.  Battery case.  Ya know, one guy hit another guy...seemed fairly typical.  But, au contraire, mon fraire.  What we got instead was a case right off the set of the Jerry Springer show.  It was pretty good sleaze, if I do say so myself.  (Not that I would know anything about anything sleazy, but I digress)
So the case begins this way.  We have one guy...and I'll change some names here...named, I dunno....Ramon.  Now about a year or so back, Ramon goes to court with the sister of his girlfriend who was the victim of a battery charge.  She was kinda nervous about going to court and seeing her ex-boyfriend, and so she asks Ramon to go with her.  He does...the defendant, who I'll call....Jean-Claude (and I ain't talking Van Damme here Mr. Wiley) pleads the case out, but apparently there may have been some nasty comments said to one another either in the courtroom or the hallway.  Okay....time moves on.  Now Ramon, he's still dating his girlfriend, who we'll call....Shaniqua (get my drift and I think ya do).  Meanwhile, Jean-Claude has moved on and is dating Shaniqua's cousin...who we'll call....oh, Sha-nay-nay.  (Once again, I'm confident you get my drift).  Anyway, one night....Ramon is at work and lo & behold, Jean-Claude walks in there, with Sha-nay-nay.  Now some confuses ensues here, because Ramon claims to immediately recognize the guy, while Jean-Claude says he's confused, and doesn't remember Ramon (cough--bullshit).  Anyway, words are past and someone throws a swing at someone and a full scale scrap takes place, that ends up with Jean-Claude running out of the establishment with Sha-nay-nay waddling behind.
Oh wait...it gets better.  This "establishment", that I mentioned? 
"Megasex" store.  No, really.  Slapping each other senseless right next to the sex toys and Jenna Jameson videos.  Oh the humanity!

So the testimony starts in the trial, and Jean-Claude comes up...and he's a bit confused.  He can't remember everything that happened that night, but he remembers the guy yelling at him (who knows why??) when all he was trying to do was to rent a video.  Poor guy.  Ya go to rent your basic hardcore porn flick, and all ya get is some grief from the counter guy.
Now we come to the real Jerry Springer, moment of the day....the testimony of Jean-Claude's wife....Sha-nay-nay.  Now Jean-Claude had testified that he was pulling in the hard earned money working down to the Wal-Mart (Their motto:  "Killing off small businesses....all across America!!!").  Now Sha-nay-nay takes the stand and informs us, that sadly....she is without the benefit of employment.  That might explain the prior Grand Theft charges that she had against her according to the background search that was done by the defense attorney.  But again, I digress.
Meanwhile, another baliff has come up to take control of the 2 youngsters that she brought with her to court (always a good idea) who were about 3 and 4 years old.
Oh yeah, and she's about 7 months preggers....belly swelled like a tick after chewing on a dogs behind....and of course since she's beyond huge....she's taken this opportunity to wear her very best outfit that leaves her stomach exposed.
This, ladies and gentlemen, was NOT a pretty sight.  Indeed, oh the humanity.
Oh yeah, that and the approximately 58 Double D's she was sporting...yes sir, old Jean-Claude hit the marital lotto, no question about it.  So now, Sha-nay-nay starts the testimony and according to her, she had picked up her hubby at the Wal-Mart and on the way home....they decided, what the hell....let's swing by the MegaSex store for some hardcore pornography.  My wife and I usually hit Publix, where shopping is a pleasure...but maybe we're just not living the golden life here.
So the whole key to the trial here...as the defense attorney was trying to establish, was that Jean-Claude and Sha-nay-nay KNEW that Ramon was working at the MegaSex store, and basically went in there to stir up some shit, maybe get Ramon shitcanned as revenge for him helping out when Ramon went to court the other time against Jean-Claude.
Ya still with me on this wild ride?
Okay, so now...the defense attorney is doing his cross examination.  Again, he's trying to point out that it was NOT just a coincidence that they happened to go into that particular MegaSex store...that it was deliberate.  So he finally throws the question out to Sha-nay-nay....who gave us, truly, one of the greatest answers in courthouse history.
"So," the attorney says, "you just happened to decide to visit the MegaSex store?"
"That's right."
"And why was that?"
"Well....you know....we wanted to sex up our marriage and everything."

Its moments like that.....that are the reason I keep my sanity at work.

Not guilty by jury....just for the record.

Later,
Jeff