7/17/06---You're never too old to be a jackass

So this past Saturday, Kim & I went over to my friend Gary's to help him celebrate his 50th birthday.  It was a very nice evening and gave us a chance to visit with some of our friends and have a few laughs.

Of course, I didn't plan on going out and get more intoxicated than I had been in probably 21 years.

Some of you may recall the story of my bachelor party to wife #1 (She Who Shall Not Be Named) back in early 1985.  That was truly an evening to be remembered, which finished with me be carried into my house and thrown into bed after drinking a potentially lethal combination of:  (stay with me here)
Jack Daniels
Vodka
Peppermint Schnapps
Champagne
Grape Juice (don't ask)

It all made for a lovely cocktail, to say the least.  Anyway, back to the present--and maybe one night I'll give the details to that night again....trust me, its worth telling---we get to Gary's house and are planning a nice evening.  I start off with a nice Vodka (Grey Goose--my own personal choice of the vodka) and OJ.  So far, so good.  However, a couple of things begin to emerge in what would become my perfect storm of a night of drunken stupidity.  One, Gary's house felt like it was at about 95 degrees.  I was sweating like a French brothel worker (that one was cleaned up for Dad).  Then, we went to get something to eat.  Now, at OUR parties, we offer not only the finger food, but an assortment of lunchmeat and BBQ.....so that you have enough to make a meal out of it.  My selection at Gary's?  Two chicken wings and four pigs in a blanket.  (Mini hot dogs wrapped in a croissant)  So I really didn't have that much to eat.....I was sweating up a storm....and I started throwing back the screwdrivers.  Yep, so far....our story is shaping up really nicely.  Then, I compounded my story by beginning to make my own drinks.  Shot glass?  Who needs a shot glass?  I'll do my own measuring here!!
Lessee....vodka....about half the way up....and then some OJ.  Yep, that's what I call a screwdriver!  And then....just to complete our tale of horror....JELLO SHOTS!

Oh my God.  Well, at least I had the good sense to take the jello shots that were made with vodka, so I wasn't mixing liquor.  Anyway, apparently I was being quite amusing the whole evening.  I mean, not lampshade amusing or anything....but I was offering a relatively amusing series of andectotes on pretty much everything....and everyone.
The evening's toll on my was not revealed until around 10ish.....when Gary was sitting around telling a story about a squirrel who had ended up getting into his pool somehow.
I was following the story intently....and then offered this little gem:

"So, uh......the pool was....uh....in the pool?"  (Obviously I meant to say that the SQUIRREL was in the pool....but it didn't quite come out that way)

All of a sudden about 5 pairs of eyes turned and looked at me, trying to suppress a laugh.  I looked down into the drink in my hand.

"Uh-oh."

I was three sheets to the wind....and suddenly realized it.
Thankfully, we left soon after that and I had the God given good sense to hand the car keys to my wife.  She got me home (there's a drive home I don't quite remember with a great deal of lucidity) and got me to bed....I got myself undressed thank you very much.
Kim was sort of laughing that she had never seen me this intoxicated.

The next morning I woke up about 5:30am with a spliting headache and stumbled to the bathroom for a Tylenol.  I got back to bed and carefully laid myself back down.

"You feeling okay?" Kim asked quietly.
"I have a whopper of a headache....but other than that I'm okay."

A minute or so went by as I reflected on my evening.

"Honey, please tell me that I didn't make a jackass of myself tonight."
"No, you didn't.  Actually....I always knew you were funny, but when you're drunk...you're hilarious."

I laid there thinking a little more and then it dawned on me that my direct supervisor had shown up for the evening....and I remembered making some sort of comment to her.....

"Oh God," I said, "please tell me that I didn't insult Beth."
"No," Kim said, "you didn't.  All you said was that it looked like she was in a prom dress."
"Well, that's not too bad I guess."

Dramatic pause of about 10 seconds or so.

"Oh," Kim continued, "then you make the remark about how it looked like one of her breasts was about to come out of her dress."

DOH!

I spent that day wondering if I had done something that I had forgotten about.  I really worried that I might have done something inappropriate.  I came into work today and noticed that Beth was already at her desk and sort of casually made my way over.

"Please tell me...that in my evening of drunken stupidity...that I didn't say anything offensive or inappropriate to you because if I did....I am so sorry."
"No," she said, "not at all.  You were really funny."

WHEW.  That was a close one.

I decided to use the incident as a learning tool, and sat the kids down and told them how stupid I had been and the dangers that could've transpired if I had tried to drive home after all that alcohol.  Maybe being a jackass for one evening can serve as a learning experience.

As it was though....I received rave reviews from everyone at the party.....who told me that I was at my zenith as the office comedian.

No lampshades though.

Later,
Jeff