1/25/05--More tales of the courthouse---volume 38

So believe it or not, every day in a courtroom isn't an episode of Law & Order.  It gets flatout boring believe it or not.  That's, of course, after the 1000th trial for the same charge, with the same essential fact pattern.  (I'm yawning just thinking about it).  So every once in a great while, you hear stories involving....hmm....ya know, someone getting a tad drowsy in court.  There was the time that a clerk named Joel drifted off during trial, only to wake up--um, if you could call it that---when he fell over backwards in his chair.  I mean, as in ass over teakettle all the way to the floor with a huge noise.  Gee, I'm sure that wasn't just a tad embarassing.  Then there was my boy Dennis who happened to nod off right when two supervisors walked into the courtroom--and remained that way during the entire ten minutes that they sat there.
But, without question the ultimate story along these lines was the story of Julie, a former clerk, who during a rather long trial happened to doze off.  She awoke with a bit of a start, and then rather carefully looked around to see if anyone had noticed her brief nap.  Well, she looked at the judge and he didn't appear to have noticed.
She checked the attornies and neither one was looking in her direction.  Okay there.
She then looked over towards the witness stand and that's when.....WHOOPS!....she noticed there was a NEW WITNESS on the stand.

Then there was the story of the ultimate psychotic episode in clerks history.  It involved two clerks, one named Debbie & the other named John.  Now, Debbie was what you might call....hmmm....a bit of a "chatty" gal.  The only thing that kept her from expressing a viewpoint--I mean ANY sort of viewpoint--was a case of larangytis.  John was the proverbial quiet type.  A tall man from the state of Massachusetts, John had announced a few days earlier that he would be leaving the office and had given his two weeks notice.  Well, apparently John had a few things festering deep within his subconscious that just felt the need to come forth.
So Debbie is at her desk in a mainly empty office, yacking her brains out (per usual)
when John got up from his desk and walked over towards her.
He politely asked Debbie if he could speak to her.  She turned to him and he said:

"I just wanted to know if I could ask you to do me a small favor."
"Yes?"
"I was wondering.......if you......COULD (growing louder)......SHUT (louder)....THE (still louder).......FUCK (screaming).....UP! (loudest of all)

Now, at this point, John quietly turns around and walks back to his desk as Debbie sits there with her mouth wide open.  It was shortly after this that the management team asked John to join them in the office and asked him if maybe it wouldn't be a good idea for him to forgo his two week notice and just go ahead and resign right then and there.  And John left.......never to be heard from again.  But for almost 6 mos afterwards, we used to torment Debbie by telling her....
"Hey, I just saw John in the stairwell.  Did he run into you yet?"

Later,
Jeff

1/23/05--A little movie watching

So while I was up at Mare & Lair's, we watched a few movies--here's what I thought....
1) The Hunted--Here we have an interesting combination.  No, not the Benecio Del Toro//Tommy Lee Jones deal, I'm referring to the Rambo:  First Blood//Deliverance//Deerhunter images that clearly influence this film.  Jones plays a "civilian advisor" to the military who has been secretly training soldiers for years in the art of survival and killing.  Del Toro has become, unbeknownest to Jones, his best student.  One day, Benecio cracks and goes, pretty much apeshit--if you'll excuse the expression (and you know, you rarely read the word "apeshit" in a good movie review these days).  He's up in the woods of Oregon and kills a couple of hunters who he feels have just a little bit too much of an advantage on the wildlife, what with the huge scope that could spot a tick on a dog at 300 yards.  So he reacts, granted, a little bit harshly and....um......disembowels both of them.  (That could be classified as "a little bit harshly")  So his old mentor Jones is sent in after him, and the chase is in on between teacher and student.  There's a couple of references here about the environment, protecting nature interspersed with a few knifefights--I love a good dichotemy as much as the next guy, ya know?  Anyway, Del Toro is good as the Rambo guy (which I suppose would make Jones the Richard Crenna of the story).  Naturally the local police and the FBI don't understand--how could they?  There's a scene at the end of the movie where one of the characters sees a wolf running through the snow into the forest that brought to my mind the scene where Robert DeNiro, in the aforementioned Deerhunter, realized that he could no longer kill for sport anymore.  There's a lot of heavyhanded morality that this film wants you to notice, but if you take it strictly at face value, with man vs man vs nature---its pretty good stuff.  ***1/2
2) The Road to Wellville--do you know what's about as uncomfortable as uncomfortable can get?  Watching a movie that has a few too many sex & nudity scenes....while your parents are sitting there next too you!   EEEEWWW!
This somewhat strange film purportedly tells the story of John Kellogg (Anthony Hopkins), who's claim to fame was that he invented the cornflake--supposedly with the idea that it would help "clean the customer out" or something like that.  He also has people, especially rich people, who come to his sanitarium for a purification.
These rich people include Matthew Broderick & his wife Bridget Fonda, who both discover what is good for what ails them--and its not necessarily corn flakes, if you know what I mean and I think you do.  Suffice to say, there's some nudity, we have Lara Flynn Boyle & Bridget getting the beejezus screwed out of them, Matthew Broderick walking around wearing this device that---um---artifically provides him stimulation, we have Dana Carvey (DANA CARVEY???) walking around as Hopkins crazy son who was emotionally abused as a child.  And meanwhile, John Cusack is married to some old broad and trying to get someone to help him finance the mass production of cereal.  Whew.  There's a lot going on here.  It reminded me a little of the farcical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, in the sense that there is just so much going on that you have to keep track of.  That being said, some of the stuff works and is pretty funny, and some of the stuff falls flat (sort of like the movie I compared it too).  **1/2
3) Stuck on You--here's an example of why you shouldn't listen to other people's opinions of movies (wait a minute!  What am I saying?)--when this movie first came out I saw the trailers and thought it look very funny, then I read a few reviews that absolutely lambasted the film as utter trash.....and I ended up not going to see it.
So this afternoon, after I got home, I had a few hours to kill before the playoff games started and stumbled upon this movie.  Here's what I love about Farrelly Bros movies--they will unquestionably offend someone at somepoint--and they will always have moments that will have you laughing out loud.  Matt Damon & Greg Kinnear play conjoined twins ("We're not Siamese twins--we're american.") who live on the east coast in a small town in Massachusetts.  Bob (Damon) is happy working as a cook at a burger joint, while Walt (Kinnear) dreams of a move to Hollywood that will allow him to pursue his acting career.  Mind you, all this goes on while their conjoined, which leads to some very funny sight gags.  Also, in keeping with most of the other Farrelly Bros movies, there are some wonderful cameos, including Tom Brady & Lawyer Milloy from the NE Patriots, Frankie Muniz & a wonderful extended cameo by Meryl Streep.  Excellent support is also offered by, believe it or not, Cher--playing a bitter and rapidly aging actress named "Cher" (go figure).  There's a very funny sequence with her and her agent where they argue about her current value to the public:
"You were one step from being the corner square before you hired me."
"Center square.  They told me that I could be the CENTER SQUARE."
Very good scene.  The movie isn't as good as the very best of the Farrelly Bros (my personal fave is Me, Myself & Irene)...but that's not necessarily a disclaimer.  There are some very, very funny scenes in this film.  ***3/4

Later,
Jeff

1/22/05--Dad visits a "doctor"

So I'm up here in Orlando, visiting Mare & Lair--ya know, America's couple.  So last night we're eating a fairly mediocre Mexican dinner when Mom asks me if I watched the GW's innuagral address to the country (as if).  She proceeds to tell me that dad didn't get to watch it, because he had...ahem...an appointment.
Well, at this point I turned my head to dad for his version of the story and it goes.....
apparently he had an appointment with his podiatrist.  Now, my father has a condition called naropathy, which affects the nerve endings in his feet.  So he's at the doctors office, for his scheduled visit.  Now mind you, dad is a died in the wool republican, and I know he had to be timing this visit down to the last second so that he could get home and watch the speech.  So natually the doctor has him sitting in the waiting room (no pun intended here) cooling his heels.  Finally he gets called in to the examination room and is looked at "by an assistant".  He then proceeds to sit for awhile longer, trying to decide if he's going to report the guy to the AMA or the FBI.
Finally the doctor walks into the room, unaware that he's about to be hit by one profoundly upset republican, who by this time had to realize that he had missed the speech.  Then, to compound his error, the doctor asks my dad how his day is going.
Big mistake.  Dad says, not word for word, but essentially:

"How's my day?  I'll tell you.  The president of the United States and the chief justice of the supreme court--who by the way is battling thyroid cancer--had an appointment today with the entire country, and they managed to make it on time, but I was the only appointment you had at this time today---and you were late."

Well, after a whole lot of stammering, the doctor assures my father that nothing of this sort will never, ever happen again.  Once more, a mistake.  Dad replies:

"Well, I've decided that I'm going to help you on my next visit.  You see, I'm going to make an appointment, and then not show up.  That way, you'll be able to make up any time that you may have lost on another patient--so you'll be on time for the rest of your patients."

Touche' dad.  Fight the power baby.

Later,
Jeff

1/19/05--Tales of the Courthouse--Volume 37

One of the great things about where I work is that, inevitably perhaps, every wackjob in the tri-county area ends up walking past me in the courthouse.  You work somewhere for almost 20 years, that sort of thing is bound to happen.  So today we were sitting around in the office talking, when an old story from the past came up...one of our personal favorites....it involved:

The Baliff//Gynocologist

It was about 1989 or so as I remember, when the tale of L.N. came to our attention.
Now, this person had been my court baliff for about a year or so, and then the judge we both worked for got promoted, he went with the judge, I stayed with the division, so I didn't get much of a chance to interact with the guy.  I remember him as being....politely here...slightly odd, which truthfully makes him rather normal at the courthouse, but I digress.  Anyway, it seems that this guy had a rather odd habit of asking women if they would like to be....um...how shall I put this...EXAMINED.
Ya know...as in...CLINICALLY.  Strictly professional, you understand.  And for reasons that totally escape me, the women who were approached--court reporters, the occasional attorney, maybe even a clerk or two--professional women mind you, apparently decided not to mention it to the judge he was working for.  This particular judge was and is known as quite the stickler for formality and professionalism, and I'm sure at the very LEAST would've had the guy in question taken out of his courtroom.   Now this guy was so freakin bold about it that he would actually get into a discussion with these women about the importance of having annual checkups, etc and then drop this little number on them.....no kidding either...
"Ya know....if you needed one....I could perform a mammogram on you.  I was a medic in the army."

Talk about your bedside manner, huh?  But it got worse.  Soon the guy was actually offering his services to perform PAPSMEARS.  Hey, that's a subject you bring up in everyday conversations, ya know??  So, dear reader, you must be wondering how this all ended?  Well, truly it ended in the only way it could--being that it occured in the mondo//bizaarro world of the courthouse.  It seems one day, the judge in question was ready to go to trial, and asked his clerk to go and get a jury panel from the jury room.  So when the jurors are brought into the courtroom and are seated, one of the standard preliminary questions that every person is asked is:

"Do you know anyone in the courtroom?  Are we your friends, neighbors, etc?"

So one woman on the prospective panel looks to the back of the courtroom and asks---hand to God here folks:

"What's my doctor doing dressed up like a baliff?"

Well, let's just say that his career in medicine ended right about there.

And so concludes.....another.....TALE OF THE COURTHOUSE......

Later,
Jeff

1/16/05--First, the philosphical crap

So the other day, I was having an interesting conversation with a friend.  (Oh puh-leeze dear friends...you know me better than that--no names of course)  This person is in a rather delicate personal situation.  They're married, but not really.  Their in the middle of a seperation, one that their spouse wants...not them.  And of course, there are children involved, which always makes it even more complicated.  The problem is that their spouse can't decide...for lack of a more tasteful way of putting it, whether to shit or get off the pot.  This person really loves their spouse (obviously), but is frustrated by what is perceived as the proverbial "hamster on a wheel" syndrome--spinning round and round, all the while really going nowhere.

So I went deep into the recesses of my marital counseling skills (oh c'mon--what subject would I know better than problems in a marriage??  I mean, really!) and asked them a question that I always felt worked in this situation.  It goes like this:
Many years ago, I was watching a movie starring the great James Stewart called "Shenandoah".  There's a terrific scene where a young man comes to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage.  And Stewart asks:

"Let me ask you a question.  Do you LIKE her?"
"Well of course I love her...I want to marry her."
"I didn't ask you that...I said....do you LIKE her?"
"I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Well you see, when I married her mother...I didn't really LOVE her.  I liked her a lot.  And over time, I grew to love her.  But first, I LIKED her.  So, do you like her?"

You get the general idea.  So I asked this friend of mine about their spouse.
Do you like them?  I hope it gave them food for thought.

Because while I was talking to them, I was thinking of those last dark days with the former Mrs Me # 2 (not to be confused with the former Mrs Me # 1, who we discussed last week.  Try and keep up people!).  I had been truly miserable for almost a year, and since I was the one who was doing most of the work to keep the marriage going (and I realize that's strictly my own opinion) you could safely say that it wasn't the most love filled household on the block.  As laughable as it may be to say, I really was sticking around because of the dog--maybe I was trying to figure out a way to leave and take her with me.  One valuable lesson was learned.  Always have an escape route!  (I say that only slightly sarcastically)  Anyway, here I was trying to come up with a reason to leave, and complications of some sort kept coming up.  Her father became very ill (sadly, he would eventually die of cancer), and then there was the matter of his will and his estate, which were an absolute mess.  I kept thinking that if I left her now, no matter how desperate I was to get out, that I would feel like a total heel.  Now, as some of you may know, there was this other problem that I was in the middle of....but, let's just say that discretion perhaps prevents me from discussing it now.  Anyway, so things are taking a real dumper in her life, I'm miserable and trying to get advice on what I should do, when we came to the episode I like to delicately call....."the Mr. Bunny episode".

We had, or I should say.....SHE HAD recently acquired a rabbit.  A more useless animal I have never seen.  Now I know why they make furs out of their coats, because they just sit there like a lump of shit.  Worthless.  So we've had this thing for a couple of weeks, and we would put it into a room and close the door so that our cats wouldn't mess with it.  Except, when we got home we would find that the damn thing had eaten just about anything that was located on or near the floor--which included any books that might be on a bookcase on the bottom shelf.  UGH!
Well needless to say, this was causing me a touch of consternation, so we eventually started leaving the rabbit in the guest bathroom--figuring that he couldn't get into much trouble there, ya know?  So (hold onto your hats)....one day, we get home from work....she lets the rabbit out to---ah hell, do whatever rabbits do when their not sitting there doing nothing---and I decided to, ya know....make a pitstop in the guest bathroom (don't ya love reading about this stuff??  Its so compelling!).  So, I'm in there.....well.....sitting down....and there's a knock on the door.  It was then, that I heard my lovely bride speak to me....with what would later become one of the defining moments of our marriage.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Um...what do you THINK I'm doing." I replied.
"I know what your doing...I mean why are you doing it in there?"
"Um...because its a BATHROOM."
"No, I mean why are you in Mr. Bunny's room."

I swear to God.  That's how far I had fallen.  I was now in the fucking BUNNY'S room.  I realized pretty much which step of the ladder I was now on in that condo.
I mean, it was one thing for me to be less important to her than the dog--I mean, I loved the dog too (that was one great dog).  I realized that I was probably on about an even keel with the two cats, which didn't make me happy, but at least they weren't ABOVE me.  But I will be DAMNED if I was going to be below a rabbit.
I suddenly had a craving for rabbit stew.
And then I recalled a conversation with my brother (wise sage that he be), who once had told me:

"When the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving.....you will leave."

And I knew it was time to leave.  Unfortunately, I didn't have a lot of times to make my escape because of other complications--but it was time to leave.  One of my neighbors told me that the day I left, I was going to be driving out of the parking lot of our condo with all my stuff, and I was going to hit the main road, and probably take the sweetest breath I had taken in over 5 years--the breath of freedom.

And so, looking back....I realized that when I married her, old Mrs Me # 2, that I really did love her very much.
I just didn't like her.  And it took me 6 years to realize it.

Later,
Jeff

1/15/05--A visit to the doctor--postscript

So yesterday, I ventured with my lovely bride to the doctors office.  As in....the dermatologist.  Now mind you, the last time I had gone to the dermatologist was when I was like 16 years old because of the dreaded.....acne.  A couple of months of tetracyclin and I was done with the skin doctor.  A few months ago I noticed that I had something on the side of my nose, up around my left eye.  At first, I was thinking that I was WAY too old to be getting a zit but the darn thing just wouldn't go away and gradually started getting bigger.  Well, the wife goes about once per year to the skin doctor cause of the whole freckles thing--ya know, wanting to make sure she doesn't have one there that's not really a freckle--so she told me that I should go with her. 
First of all....if I come back and have a 2nd life, I'm coming back as a dermatologist.
What a racket.  The guy we saw, not that he wasn't very nice and totally professional, but....he shared an office with like 10 or 12 other doctors.  They have like 15 to 20 patient rooms at the location we were at, and a lobby filled with patients.  And then you notice on the receipt--they have like 8 other locations all over the tri-county area.  Do you know what sort of cash these people have to be pulling in?  Holy crap.  We were in the office for all of 20 minutes, the guy did about 5 procedures, and Kim told me that if we didn't have insurance it would've cost us about $1,100.  20 minutes work--$1,100.  Dad was right.  I should've taken school more seriously.
Anyway, so we're back in the patient room and they're looking at every freckle that Kim has with intense focus, and then ask me why I'm there.  I point to my, um....blemish.  The doctor walks in, asks why I'm there, I point and he says:
"Oh yes!  That's not a problem."

I told him that in the top 10 things you don't want to hear from your doctor, # 1 is:

"I've never seen anything like that in my entire life."

So he tells me that I have a lovely cyst, and then procedes to drain it and then lop it off.  And yes, it felt just wonderful.  He asked me if it hurt and I told him that it didn't, but that I shouldn't have any problem with nasal congestion the rest of the day.  Then he asks me if I wanted him to look at anything else...now mind you, I really had only come about the cyst but I figured what the hell, ya know, I'm here.
So I take off the shirt, slight fainting spell by the nurse, and their giving me the old once over lightly....and then I hear:

"Hmmm."

That's not something you want to hear from a doctor.   "Hmmm".

Hmmm?  What does "hmmm" mean?  Oh nothing, he says.  Probably nothing.
"Probably" nothing doesn't mean nothing.  So he says I've got a mole, or a beauty mark (not that I would be surprised by that--ahem) and that he's going to take it.
How the hell do I have a weird looking mole?  I NEVER go out into the sun.
Geez, I'm as Irish looking as you can get!  So then of course the doctor's assistant goes about telling me how this is all no big deal, that they just want to check it out, ya know--"better safe than sorry".  Yeah, now in the meantime I'm going to be all paranoid.
But the point is....I wouldn't have even had him look at my back if it hadn't been suggested for me.  You can't ever be too sure....if you go out into the sun on a regular basis--get that shit checked out.  The good news is that I got the cyst off of my nose so I don't look like the only 43 yr old with an acne problem.  So, ya know, I got that going for me.

Later,
Jeff

1/13/05--Today's movie reviews

Still taking advantage of my new Blockbuster deal, and watched more movies.
1) Troy--a big, huge, mammoth (is that enough adjectives?) of a film, detailing the story first told by Homer in Greek mythology.  Brad Pitt takes center stage as Achilles, and the guy obviously took some time to work out for the part--he's absolutely ripped to the bone.  This is a pretty good "sword & sandal" epic (that's what they used to call them in the 60's) with some solid swordfights, couple of romances to distract you between battles and what must have been a cast of thousands.  First and foremost, this is a great LOOKING film--which is not to say that its a "great movie"....just that it looks great.  ***1/2
2) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind--Charlie Kaufman is the writer of such movies as Adaptation & Being John Malkovich.  I mention this right from the old get go, because it helps you realize what you've stumbled upon when you watch this movie.  In other words, you're going to be getting something that will be most easily defined as "quirky".  Jim Carrey & Kate Winslet are Joel & Clementine, who's relationship (apparently) takes a wrong turn at some point.  Clementine then contacts an agency that (get this one) will wipe out all memory of the ill fated romance from your brain (and if you think I've got a smart ass remark that I'm waiting to spring on you---you are CORRECT sir!).  Its a cute story, and the two are an engaging couple, but.....the tale is told in flashbacks that pop in and out at weird times....which honestly makes the story hard to follow at points.  This is not a film for everyone because of how it goes from present time to the past, and its hard to follow....but if you stick with it....there's a nice payoff in the end.   ***3/4
3) Riding Giants--my old boss Dean Rusie has been a surfin nut from long ago.  So I've sat down and had conversations with someone who has gotten bitten by the surfing bug.  This film, by noted documentarian Stacy Peralta (Dogtown & Z-Boys), examines the culture of surfing from its very beginnings, focusing in specifically on three of the alltime greats, Greg Noll, the first of the "big wave" surfers in Hawaii, Jeff Clark, who discovered big waves just north of San Francisco and Laird Hamilton, rapidly becoming a household name through a series of American Express commercials and his skill as a surfer.  I should offer onevery important note.  You do not have to be a fan of surfing, a surfer, a beachgoer, a sunworshipper or even an owner of any form of Sunblock to appreciate this movie.  This is a great, great movie on its own legs.  I don't even care about surfing, and for a little over an hour and a half I was absolutely captivated by the history, legends & characters involved in surfing lore.  Some absolutely STUNNING film footage of surfers taking on waves of over 20 feet.  Tremendous movie.  ***** (that's FIVE big stars!)

Later,
jeff