9/30/04--what the hell happened to September??

Where in the blue hell did this month go?  Geez Louise....This has been one of those week's at work where the Big Kahuna has been getting his money's worth out of me.
(There are those RARE weeks, ya know)  Tons of shit on my desk, and it may take me the whole day tomorrow to find the top of the desk.  Lots of wackjobs too.
I mean more than usual.  Great story from the office the other day that I know you'll enjoy (otherwise you wouldn't be reading this freakin thing).
It seems that the lovely former Mrs Me # 1 approached a member of management and advised them that she needed to leave for home immediately.  What follows is an approximate transcript of what I am told was said:
"I have to go...my husband fell at home and said he needs me."  former Mrs Me #1
"What...he's 'fallen and he can't get up?' member of management
"No, I'm serious....he says he's really hurt."
"Well why doesn't he call 911?"
"I dunno.  He said he wants me to come home and help him."
"Why don't you bring Jeff home with you to help?"

Dead silence.
"I'm sorry, that was sort of mean, wasn't it?"

(RIMSHOT!)

SPORTS ALERT SPORTS ALERT
Well, my beloved Cubs are currently doing everything in their power to blow the wildcard spot in the National League.  They have lost (no lie--look it up) 3 games in the last week with two outs in the 9th inning.  That's some impressive choking, anyway you look at it.  I don't wanna say the relief pitching as been bad....but that giant sucking sound you hear will hopefully be the majority of the Cubs bullpen exiting via OHare airport after the season is over.  UGH.

Big game in South Bend this weekend.  Heck, HUGE game in South Bend.  This should really be the game that let's us know if the Irish are a real good team or just another collection of underachievers.  Their facing Purdue, who has a real good offense with a future NFL QB behind center....should be a tough game....but look it up....Purdue has not beaten the Irish in South Bend....no lie.....since 1974.  My call:
Notre Dame--28   Purdue--24

Back to the real world...I'd like to give a special shout out to my buddy Steve and his wife (and my former sister-in-law.....AAAAAAHHHH!!!!) Colleen.  Why?
Well....the other evening I was giving old Colleen a call...and we had a conversation something along these lines...
"Hey there....wanted to give you a call about some stuff coming up."
"Well Steven isn't here."
"I know...I was calling you.  He always forgets shit."
"Tell me about it...did he give you our news?"
"News?"
"Well....let's just say that I could come to a Halloween party dressed as a pregnant woman this year."
"Excuse me?"
"Yep."
"You mean.....he slipped one past the goalie?"
"Yep....I went to the doctor for something TOTALLY different and all of a sudden I'm being told that I'm gonna have a baby!"

YIKES!  16 years between kids for Colleen, soon to be the "former" lean, mean one.  So much for their retirement plans.  Congrats you crazy kids.

Later,
Jeff

9/28/04---was it really 13 years ago????

Good Lord...it can't have been that long ago, can it?  You see, for those of you "out of the loop"....today would've been 14 years of wedded bliss if I had remained shackled....er, sorry....MARRIED to wife # 2.  Hey, I kid because I care.
What a day it was....9/28/91.  I won't even go into the background of the day (hard at work on the book---sort of)....anyway, I allowed myself to be talked into a wedding during the MIDDLE of football season!!  I mean, c'mon!  Really....who would do such a thing to a man she REALLY loved?  Am I right?  Gimme a show of hands...one, two, three....okay, I think I've proved my point.  Anyway, everything about that big day was a disaster.  I made the brilliant tactical decision to let my future bride take control of the planning of the event---which was interpreted (perhaps correctly) as "I don't give a shit about the whole thing....you do it."
I mean, really people....what the hell do I care what color the invitations are, ya know?  So the stress level was near its zenith as the big day approached, as I lovingly remember having the engagement ring THROWN at me a week before the wedding day.  (Which some people could construe as a warning sign---but you know me...Mr. Danger...Mr. Reckless)  So the soon to be wife made me promise that I wouldn't watch or tape any football games that day (and trust me....there were literally TONS of great matchups that day).  And I kept my promise.....I had my boy John McAdam in New Hampshire tape all of them for me.  Is that "technically" a lie?
I need a ruling on that one, cuz I'm not sure.  Anyway, I knew things were looking bad when one of my ushers walks into the church with a mini-t.v. WATCHING the FSU-Michigan game.  In the church!  This was viewed (no surprisingly) with a negative eye by the future Mrs Me.  So we go thru the ceremony, during which my soon to be father-in-law almost passed out from sheer terror at walking down the aisle with his daughter, and I suppose it wasn't too bad.  Except when it came time for communion, and a church full with about 100 people had maybe 8 people take the wafer of our Lord.....Godless heathens!!   I was mortified.  So then we head for the reception (which my dad got a speeding ticket), and I shoulda known things were heading downhill during our entrance into the reception hall when my now wife starts telling me not to make to big ascene.  I mean....HELLO!!  Its my wedding day!  If I'm not going to make a scene then.....when?  So anyway, pretty much the whole night the wife is trying to reign me in....and I'm just having a good time, ya know?  Well....little do I know at the time....but out in the audience there was apparently a little wager going on.  The betting line on the new Mr. & Mrs. Moi was....get this one!!.....6 months!!  6 months!!  I can 6 months standing on my head!
Believe me, after I found out, I was plenty pissed.  Pissed because I didn't see any of the vig.  I did the time, and got zero kickback!  What a ripoff!  Anyway, it was an interesting reception, especially when the d.j. did the deal where they have all the guys carry the bride around the room, and they go to pick up my bride (all 90 lbs of her) and when they do....her head slams into the disco ball hanging from the ceiling.
She wasn't hurt at all....which of course meant that it was hilarious.
The rest of the evening...after the reception....was even more bizaare, but manners prevent me from going into the details (that and the fact that I'm saving it for the book--trust me, it'll be a bestseller....my life was THAT bizaare).
So anyway, happy would-have-been-anniversary to the former Mrs Me # 2.
I still think about her, hope she's doing okay....think about the terrific dog that we shared that I walked away from....wish her nothing but peace and good things....and am so happy that I'm out of that relationship you can't even imagine.

Later,
jeff

9/27/04....and did I mention the Kellie Poe-Bowdren drama?

I'm beginning to discover the joy and pleasure to being a parent to a (soon to be) teenage daughter.  Kellie is currently going thru the pangs of young love, as she and the Kronik (my nickname for him) are in the midst of their first arguement.  Its truly the stuff of movies.  She apparently does nothing but talk about him....which of course leads to her girlfriends disliking him....and he does nothing but talk about her, which naturally leads to his friends disliking her.  Its so totally high school.  Except its more like so totally 7th grade.  Anyway, positioning herself not coincidentally right in the middle of the action is her "friend", whom I call "Amanda the man stealer".  The little bitch has had her eye on the Kronik since day 1, and unfortunately my beloved daughter can't see the forest for the trees.  So I told her tonight that she needs to pick either Kronik or Amanda to be in her life....because its not big enough for them both.  Its the classic case of "someone told me you like someone else", and Kellie is suffering bigtime for it.  OMAN.  I've got 6 more years of this shit?  Yikes!

Well, once again south Florida was a lucky lady, as Hurricane Jeanne made a slight turn to the north and ass slammed the good folks of Stuart, Florida, for the 2nd time in a month.  Oh we got plenty of wind, as opposed to Frances, which was all about the rain....but with Jeanne we got wind like I haven't been around in a LONG time.
All those people that tell you that being in hurricane sounds like a freight train going by weren't kidding.  At one point on Saturday night, amongst the times that Kim and I were praying that our electricity wouldn't go out, I decided to take the fellas out for a brief stroll.  Now, although at first glance this might sound like a truly idiotic thing to do....hey!  Their dogs!  They got business to do!  Anyway, so we're out in front of the house....and naturally Midnight the Wonder Dog decides that this is a great opportunity to run around outside and play.  Which of course impacts how quickly that Beezer the Emotionally Unstable Dog is going about his bidness.  So I have to take Midnight back in and go out again with the Beez.  So we're pacing back and forth, trying to inspire him to make Dad a present......and in the meantime I'm trying my best to stay away from any trees---especially any that are swaying just a little bit too far one way or another.  Hey, I love the boys, but I'm not looking to get nailed on the head by a broken branch.  So Beezer is understandably reluctant, so I decide to change our location ever so slightly and risk going over by some smaller trees in hope that the boy will do his thing.  So I'm standing under the tree, and across the street the pine trees in my neighbors yard are swaying like there's no tomorrow.  And that freight train noise that I told you about?  Like there's no tomorrow.  And then above my head I hear a very distinct creeeeeeeeeking sound.  I looked at the boy and told him that he was just going to have to cross his damn legs!

By the way, for those of you keeping track, this was my FIRST ever story involving a dog trying to take a crap.  Please keep score.

SPORTS ALERT SPORTS ALERT SPORTS ALERT
The proverbial mixed bag sports wise this weekend.  A very nice weekend on the football front, as Notre Dame won their 3rd in a row, putting a major case of whoop ass on the Washington Huskies, with Brady Quinn throwing for 4 t.d.'s in the FIRST HALF.  The Vikes beat the Bears, who....well, quite frankly....are the Bears and should've been beaten, and if truth be told...should've been beaten worse than they were.  The WEED had his usual great game, catching 7 passes and starting one fight.
The Cubs, on the other hand....manage to give me a major case of heartburn as they dropped two games to the METS.  (Let me state that one again:  THE METS!!!!)
UGH!  One of the games was lost....I kid you not, with the Cubs holding a 3-0 lead in the bottom of the 9th....and 2 outs.  And the Red Sox fans think they have it bad.
Pussies.

On the movie front.....I started the kids down the right road by exposing them to Blazing Saddles on Friday night.  Kellie was totally bored by the movie until the campfire scene.  That one gets them EVERYTIME.  So then Kim & I watched
"13 Going on 30"....or as I called it, the story of my niece's life.  Pretty good story with a nice little message thrown in (one that naturally my daughter managed to totally miss out on).  Jennifer Garner is supposed to be the hottest thing in movies right now....too skinny.  Decent movie though.  ***

Later,
jeff

9/27/04 Michele with one "L"

She was the last woman I dated before I met Kim, my wife.  We never actually entered into a "relationship", for reasons that are too many to go into.  Suffice to say, it seemed everytime it came time to move from the "dating phase", into the "relationship phase"....some weird freak occurence of nature happened.  It was borderline bizaare.  Anyway, we had remained friends after we stopped dating, and she eventually had met someone, had a child with him and was going on with her life as I went along with mine.  And then, one day a couple of years back, she IMed me online out of nowhere and we began chatting.  Now, for timeline sake, let's say this was about 2 1/2 years ago.  I had been with Kim for about 3 years, and had been living with her for about a year.  I had entered into the gray area of trying to decide whether I really wanted to enter into the whole mess (at least in my life) that is and was marital bliss.....and just remaining....ya know....shacked up.  Kim was starting to give me those "gentle reminders" that she wasn't going to wait around for me to pop the question FOREVER ya know.  So there I was, just surfing the net, and Michele with one L sends me the instant message just saying hello, how ya doing...etc etc.
So we're chatting, because frankly it had been awhile since I had seen her, and all of a sudden she mentions that she is going to Publix (where shopping is a pleasure), which would be the Publix right down the street FROM ME.  Here's where the story gets just a bit interesting......ahem.
"So, come on....why don't you come up to Publix and see me?" she asked.
"Uh...no offense, but WHY would I want to do that?" I responded.
"Well I haven't seen you in like forever...it would be nice to see you."
"Something tells me this sounds like a really bad idea."
"Oh whatta ya worried about?  I'm not going to attack you or anything!"
"Yeah, well....I'm not sure that my girlfriend would be real crazy about the idea of me going to Publix to see my former girlfriend."
"Well then when you come up here buy a quart of milk or something.  Get her some flowers."
"Why?  Because I would feel GUILTY???"

And so I didn't make the Publix run.  Oh, I felt a little bad in that I sorta had been borderline rude to someone I had developed a nice friendship with....but on the other hand.....the whole scenario had DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!  all over it.
AndI didn't hear from her for a few months after that.  And not to long after that, I finally asked Kim to marry me.  And even though she didn't realize it...Michele with one L played a part in my decision.  I decided that I must have really been committed to my relationship with Kim, because if I hadn't been.....and perhaps in another time in my life....I would've gone to Publix for a quart of milk.

So for the last couple of years....I suppose a splinter in my mind's eye had always wondered what would've happened that day if I had gone to the store.  And so, a few years after the fact, I get an IM the other day.  I didn't recognize the name at first....until she identified herself.  It was her.  And she asked if I knew where she was.  I did not, and she told me that she had moved back to New Jersey.  Maybe some part of me breathed a slight sense of relief.  And so, we began chatting, very friendly like...and eventually I sarcastically brought up her "invitation" to go shopping.
She actually asked me why I hadn't gone up there that day.  I told her that she knew EXACTLY why I hadn't gone up there.  Being ever so coy, she insisted that I tell her.  So I did, telling her exactly what would have happened had I gone up there.
(Oh for God's sake, use your imagination)  After a couple of moments of silence, she told me that, at least, that's what she had intended to happen.
I'm telling you, its not easy being me.

But I have nothing but fond memories of Michele with one L.  She was (and is) a terrific woman, and gave me....at least one....of the best memories of my life.
"One for the road".

Sorry dad, THAT story you don't get to hear about.

Later,
jeff

9/24/04---Life Inside the Cone of Death

The Cone of Death.  It sounds like something from "Get Smart!" or an Austin Powers movie.  Unfortunately for us, it has become a weekly occurence for the people of the state of Florida.  And what a huge pain in the ass it is also.  Once again we had to throw up the protective plastic wrap around our desks, always on the ready against the 180mph winds should the windows on the 3rd floor of the courthouse be ripped asunder.  Ahem.  Hopefully the hurricane will do what the weather guys seem to think its going to do and take a late turn northwest, away from us.  Mind you, I understand that my parents are north of here....and my sister and her family also.  I'm not wishing the storm on them, I want the damn thing to take the turn north and go back out to sea---or maybe hit Virginia.  They haven't had a good storm of the century in awhile, have they?

So, I had a pretty interesting day today (besides the whole Cone of Death thing).
And it made me start thinking.  Here I write my journal everyday, and I know a lot of you read it, and I suppose I've cheated myself on a few occasions.  I know my father reads this, whether on a daily basis, I'm not sure.  But there have been a few times when I've sort of "toned down" a story because I wrote with the knowledge that this would be something that my father might be reading.  And as I thought about it today, and of some of the stories that happened today, I decided that, as someone once wrote....."to mine ownself...I must be true."  So Dad, if your reading this....be forewarned....I might be getting a little blue in the next few paragraphs.
Things might be getting a tad.....salacious.  (Meanwhile, all my guy friends are going  ALRIGHT!  Now we're going to get to the good shit!)  Anyway, I write this warning out of respect for him.....so he can jump ahead to the movie review if he wants.

So because of the Cone of Death today, we were forced to take a lunch at work.
So I head towards the breakroom, and guess who should be walking out of the office....heading for the same location--at the same time??   Yep, ole Ms Used to be Me # 1 her own self.  So naturally she doesn't acknowledge me as we're walking out the door, and naturally I begin to give her shit about it.  So we walk into a semi-crowded breakroom across the hall....and as we both walk in, we notice that the only two seats available are DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM ONE ANOTHER!!!
Me, I'm thinking....fuck it, I gotta eat.  She hesitates for a second herself and then sits down.  And don't kid yourself if you think that every eye in the joint aren't on the two of us.  So then she sits down, and as I begin to engage in some lunchtime discussion about the hurricane and other such nonsense, she just joins right in.  I mean like we had known each other for 20 years.  WHOOPS!  Okay, maybe that was a bad analogy.  How about, like we had talked to each other continously without any hostility or underlying tension for 20 years.  Is that better?  So after a few minutes of this, into the breakroom walks the lovely and talented Ms Debbie Blay, who sits down NEXT to the former Mrs Me # 1.  Now what makes this an especially interesting scenario for some of you who don't know is......Debbie was my excuse some years back.  She was the one that I said that I was having a relationship with (Oh not really!  I was speaking hypothetically).  So as she's sitting there, I'm thinking that old Mrs Me # 1 has to wondering just what in the hell this woman is doing sitting next to her.  But, to her credit, she remained quite chatty, as we continued discussing courthouse gossip and the like (can you believe it?  People in our office actually GOSSIP!).  So eventually, the former finally leaves and after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Debbie looks at me and says:
"Well....that was interesting."
"Shit, that's the most I've talked to her in over 6 years."
"I can't believe she talked to me."

And over in the corner, Senor Richie Lopez says to me....
"Damn man, were you guys really married?"
"Seemingly like a thousand years ago."
"Man, you must be some kind of a playa."

What was really interesting was when I went up to ask her a question about work while she was on the phone.  She waved me off.  Thinking that she had slipped back into her "normal" personality, I walked away.  When she came up to me later, she explained that she had waved me off because of who was on the phone.
Old Mr. You-Know-Who.
Oh.
Yeah, I can see where it mighta gotten a little uncomfortable if he had heard me in the background.
Ya think?

So apparently we had another pissing contest at work today.  The chief judge decides, that in lieu of the hurricane's approach, that the courthouse will be closing at 3pm.  Au contraire, sayeth the Big Kahuna.  We will be staying until 5pm.  This was all in response to the events of a couple of weeks back, when our boss gave us the day off before he had the approval of the chief judge.  God forbid he look after the wellbeing of his employees and all, but hey....I digress.

So as if all that wasn't enough.....I'm on the computer tonite and I get an instant message from someone in my past.  (No, not HER silly)  It was, the dreaded Michele "With one L"....otherwise known as the last woman I dated before my lovely bride.  Now mind you, it had been a good 2 1/2 years since I had heard from her...and she had a new screen name and it was a bit of a shock!  Even more shocking was the fact that she had returned to the Garden State.  Michele was one of the women that I went out with between the former Mrs Me # 2....and the current (doesn't that sound like a terrible way to describe her?  "The current"---as if I'm expecting something bad to happen eventually).....let's say God willing and the creeks don't rise.....THE LAST Mrs. Me.  I also refer to that period of time between late '97 & summer of '99 as.....the last days of my reckless youth.  Oh my.
It was a heady time indeed.  And the dreaded Michele with one L was a pretty big part of that time.  We always had a nice time going out with one another....and yet...something always seem to come up right before we firmly established ourselves as being in a.....(shudder)....."relationship".  I can only figure that the reason that we did not end up together is that, much like nitro & dynamite....some things just should not be brought together without fear of a very large explosion.
And I'll get into that next time......

Later,
Jeff
PS...and PUH-LEEZE...after all the good shit I've given you tonite, do not even come to me with that bullshit about "where's the DVD review?"  I'll get to it next time, unless something else really, really interesting happens to me.

9/23/04--Not another freaking hurricane!!

Can you believe it?  Another damn hurricane is heading towards us!  Once again south Florida finds itself in the "cone of death" (or whatever they call it).  All I know is that if this damn storm hits during the weekend, its going to interrupt my air conditioning AND my football watching.  Why can't the stupid things strike on a Wednesday or something...that would be far more convient.
Two days in a row where I actually earned my paycheck.  I worked late again, as our 1:30 hearing, the one where they requested 45 minutes, ended up going a little over 2 hours!  Needless to say, that through our schedule a tad out of wack.  As usual, our arraignment docket provided us with at least one antecdote, this week coming courtesy of the judge.  Actual transcript of a conversation between the two of us today, around 11:15am.
"How many cases are on the docket tomorrow?" she asked me.
"Usual size.  About 100 or so."
"100!  That can't be right...the limit was only supposed to be 50."
"No, that's next Friday's docket.  The one on October 1st."
"But it can't be that big....I have to be out of here by 11am.  I have a flight to Tallahassee."
"Oh...is it a judge's conference?"
"No!  I have tickets to Cher!"

I can't make this stuff up folks.

Today's DVD review, continuing our alpabetical listing, is James Cameron's 1993 underwater adventure--
THE ABYSS...at some point during the early part of the 1990's, undersea adventure became really in vogue.  When Cameron was making The Abyss, out came a quickie called DEEPSTAR SIX, which was mainly interesting because the entire cast was made up of people who were on television shows in the 1980's.  It was pretty horrible.  Next came LEVIATHAN, which had an interesting premise, a halfway decent cast lead by Peter Weller and was a good, solid movie for about 3/4 of the movie---or, until they finally showed the creature.  It looked like some combination of an octopus and a dragon and ruined the movie.  Finally, out came THE ABYSS, and by this point, me & my movie going friends had lost faith in the old undersea adventure story.  Cameron restored our faith.  A solid cast, featuring Ed Harris, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio & Michael Biehn star in the story of a civilian oil rig crew who is sent on a search and rescue mission for a nuclear sub.
However, when they get down there....suffice to say, all is not as it seems.  Some nice special effects.  Also, one of the rare times when you can honestly say that the DVD may be better than the actual movie (which is saying something), as the documentary on the making of the movie is really interesting.   ****1/4

Later,
Jeff

 

9/22/04

It seems like forever since the summer, back in the day when I got home from work around 4:45pm and could sit back and unwind.  That of course was before school started and the kids were getting home around 8pm or after.  All of this is bad for my delicate constitution!
Well the fall t.v. season started tonight, and no I didn't bother watching one of those stupid "reality" shows.  I got a look at the first episode of NYPD Blue last night and tonight I watched the new show called LOST about a group of people stuck on a desert island after a plane crash.  Not bad at all.

Okay, so I fell asleep during the middle of CSI-New York.  Sue me.  Every single weekend, Kim's dad comes over to the house and inevitably, he'll ask us if we've ever seen CSI.  Now, of course we say nooooooo, just like we've done the first 231 times that he asked.  So, I figure I'm gonna really surprise him and watch the premiere episode of the new show, which has Gary Sinise, who I think is a really good actor---anyway, what I saw of it looked pretty good---in between hearing Kim say..."your falling asleep and missing your show!"

So I decided the other day to start breaking down an reviewing my DVD collection, vast as it might be.  I'll make it easy on both of us, and I'll go in alphabetical order.
Tonight we start off with one of my favorite action films of the 80's---
ABOVE THE LAW:  Big Steve Segal stars as Nico Toscanni (and say this about big Steve--the characters he portrayed always had great names), a "rogue" Chicago cop who is after a ruthless assassin played by Henry Silva.  One of the keys in searching for a good Seagal movie is to look at  the supporting cast.  In his good movies, he has good actors in supporting roles.  In his bad films, they try and let big Steve carry the weight by himself, and that ain't good.  The other great thing about this movie is that it was Seagal's first, so he hadn't had time to get fat and all caught up in his own mythology and bullshit.  Anyway, there's some serious ass kicking going on here, as big Steve & partner Pam Grier (??!!??) go after the mysterious Silva, with undertones of government deception and involvement in everything from Vietnam to Central America.  Its as if someone had an idea for like 4 movies, and instead just decided to throw a whole mess of shit in there.  Sharon Stone has a small role as big Steve's wife,which oughta show you just where her career was at this point.  The guys who play Seagal's partners are the same guys who played the cops in the Harrison Ford movie "The Fugitive".  Best scene is big Steve kicking ass on a bar full of drunks---you da man Steve, you da man!  I say:   *** 1/2

Later for now,

Jeff

9/19/04---She called it "angry flirting"....?

That was the term that was used by the woman who we shall call "Wanted to Be Mrs Me".  I was in the office the other day, sitting with the afore-mentioned lady, having a lovely little chitchat, when low & behold here comes the former Mrs Me # 1.  Well, in what can only be referred to as some sort of aligning of the stars, she actually seemed to be in a friendly mood, and we engaged in a light banter about the whereabouts of one of our co-workers (the esteemed "Would Be Mrs James Bond"--and I think ya know of whom I refer).  Anyway, I guess our friendly little verbal tit for tat began to get a little zingy and concluded with the following comments from the two of them.
"Can't you control him?" says former Mrs Me # 1.
"There's only one woman who can control him....and she don't work here." says Wanted to Be Mrs Me.
Dead silence as the former Mrs. Me # 1 leaves.  Bemused looks are exchanged.
"Wow, you are going to be Kim's BEST friend after that remark," I said.
"Yeah, well...what was that all about?" she says with an accusing tone.
"What?"
"That whole....ya know....verbal exchange between you two."
"What are you talking about?"
"You know...it was like.....ANGRY FLIRTING."

Well, that's a new one on me.  Angry flirting.  I've never been accused of that one before.  Certainly I've been accused of just plain ole flirting--someone would say to excess on occasion....but never in an "angry" manner.  Is that better or worse than regular old flirting?  Anyway, Wanted to Be Mrs Me described it as.....
"very disturbing".

Well, believe it or not, it appears the state of Florida will be missed by Hurricane Jeanne.  This makes the first hurricane in approximately 212 years that will not be directly impacting the citizens of the Sunshine State.  Of course, now that I've said this, I'm sure the damn storm will make a u-turn and head right for us.  UGH.
Let me give a big hello to my brother Chip and his family who recently took on Hurricane Ivan.  Folks, the west coast got nailed by Charley....we got smacked by Frances....but the panhandle got treated like a prison date by Ivan.  Geez, I've seen some of the photo's and its amazing.  Brick buildings tossed like rag dolls.  Bridges that have cement foundations washed away.  And how about that photo of the tractor trailer hanging over the precipe....without the truck?  YIKES!  Kimsays that she read in the paper that they finally found the truck, with the driver in it.  Man, it looks like someone tossed a few nukes into the panhandle.

SPORTS ALERT....SPORTS ALERT!!!
Well, last night my Fighting Irish managed to go to East Lansing and defeat Michigan State 31-24.  It was one of those "a win is a win is a win" type of victories, because it sure didn't look pretty.  Michigan State really looked to be a fairly awful team, and the fact that ND had them down 28-7 and didn't put them away is a tad disturbing.
I've said it before....and I'll say it again.  You have your opponent down, you step on their throat, and you kill them.  You let them up off the ground and you have no one to blame but yourself.  But as I said, it was a win....and compared to last season, I'll take a 2-1 start.  Next week is Washington, who only allowed a RB to gain 325 yds against them this week.  

Now, for the first time in awhile...a little something for you movie buffs.  As you know, I've previously given you my top 10 movies of alltime.  In the upcoming days and weeks I will be detailing my DVD collection with a brief review of all the movies.  Before we start that though....I thought I'd pass along another list.  I recently asked a few friends to share their thoughts on the following topic:
What was the funniest movie of alltime???  I got a pretty varied list, but there were a few movies that seem to be on everyone's lists.  Anyway, here's a quick top 10 list of my FUNNIEST MOVIES OF ALLTIME (Oh, and by the way....the list will NOT include something stupid like "Weekend at Bernie's"---can you believe that someone at work actually asked me if that was on the list?  PUH-leeze)

10) Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo---okay, this is my one stupid selection.  Call this my "Dumb & Dumber".  The only decent movie Rob Schneider has ever made.  Still there are scenes that will have you laughing at loud.  You'll be ashamed, but laughing.
 9) Bananas--this was "old school" Woody Allen.  The Woodman before he got all serious and became a "filmmaker".  This was when he was just one funny ass dude.
Here he plays Fielding Mellish (is that a great name or WHAT?), a lonely products tester who goes to the small island of San Marcos for vacation....and somehow gets involved with a plot to overthrow the government.  Trust me....its hilarious, and features one of the alltime great cameos by none other than Howard Cosell.  Really!
 8) Me, Myself & Irene--here's a movie that really divides the audience.  Some people didn't like it at all, finding it mean spirited and unfunny.  I, on the other hand, was rolling on the floor for most of the movie.  Jim Carrey's performance as the Rhode Island state trooper with a split personality is a side splitter.  Add to that the absolute genius (mind you--totally tasteless in every way--but genius) of having three black guys play his sons....only, that's not it....they're also MENSA members.  I can't even describe anymore....I'll start laughing.  Absolutely hilarious.
 7) Animal House--some people might have this a little higher on their lists, but its still a movie with a special place in my heart.  This was the movie where the country really discoverd the magic that was John Belushi, as Bluto Blutarski, the most lewd, crude and socially unacceptable student at Faber College.
"That boy is a P...I...G...PIG!!"
 6) Slapshot--although its a little dated, with some truly awful fashions and hairdo's, Paul Newman's slice of life about minor league hockey still will have you laughing.
Who can forget the Hansen's, Reggie Dunlap ("DUNLAP!  YOU SUCK!") and of course...oh my...well....here is fans....what with the allegations....and his subsequent deportation...and that country's refusal to accept him....well, that's more than most 19 year olds could take....Oggie Oglethorpe.
 5) The Blues Brothers--Belushi & Ackroyd get a few million dollars and make a home movie...it sure seemed that way, didn't it? 
"We're getting the band back together."  More great cameos than any movie in history....that's right, I said it.  "How much for the little girl?  Your daughter...I wish, I wish to buy your women."
 4) Young Frankenstein--the movie is off to a riproaring start when an actor calls Gene Wilder's character "Dr Frankenstein" and he turns and replies...."that's FrankenSTEEN".  Madeline Kahn discovers that sweet mystery of life.  Classic.
 3) Stripes---"C'mon, its Czechslovakia....we're in, we're out.  Its Czechslovakia.  Its like Wisconsin."  "Hey, I got my ass kicked in Wisconsin once."
Bill Murray joins the army.  Loses a little steam in the middle, but man is it funny.
Would've made my top 10 just for the scene in the barracks with Warren Oates having the men tell their life stories to the group.
 2) Blazing Saddles--a movie that absolutely could NOT be made today.  Why?  Probably offends more minority groups....oh hell...it offends EVERYONE.  But it does so in such a funny way, you really shouldn't take offense.  The campground scene...the tollbooth in the middle of the desert...."That's HEDLEY Lamar"....
"Excuse me while I whip this out!"  Whatever happened to Cleavon Little?
 1) Caddyshack--what makes this movie my favorite comedy of alltime is that there are like 5 different little stories going on within the movie...and every one of them is hilarious!  Good lord, even Chevy Chase is funny in this movie!  This was also the movie that really introduced the country to Rodney Dangerfield.
"Golf courses....biggest waste of prime real estate ever."
"Hey waiter!  I can still see the whip marks where the jockey hit my steak!"

Feel free to send my your own listing!

Later,
jeff

9/16/04

Well, it had been a good day.  I had the day off, and had pretty much spent the whole day doing next to nothing, excluding a few movies and some reading.
So the wife & I take the kids out to Ale House for some dinner, cuz I'm really a nice guy and because the wife hates cooking dinner on nights she works late.  And so after dinner the wife reminded me that I had yet to purchase her birthday gift for her.
Hey...it had only been a month!  So we zip over to the old Toys R Us and were searching for her gift of choice--the old Beach Cruiser.  Yep, she insists that once she gets one, by God the whole family is going to be whipped into shape.  Hey, I've always liked to ride the bike, so I'm not objecting.  Well, the store we're in by our house doesn't have any in stock, so we find out that they have one in Boca, and we tell them we'll head up there tonight to pick one up.  So we're heading back to the car (here comes the bad news) and the wife asks the kids if they have any quizes tomorrow.  Very quietly (naturally) I hear Andy say that he has two.  Now, mind you, I had gone into both their rooms at approximately 3pm today (the three of us were home cuz of the holiday) and had asked them both..."any tests or homework that you guys should be working on?"   Naturally the answer was nooooooooo.  And now, out here in the parking lot at old TRU Andy suddenly remembers not one but TWO quizes that he has tomorrow.  Cripes does that piss me off.  So I remind him of the little reminder that I had given him at 3pm and how maybe that should've triggered a little hint, but apparently it didn't.  Now, I probably should add that this is also two days from the day that we had a long talk in the living room about him buckling down and being more responsible.  I should sue him for the waste of oxygen that night.  Well, I hope he's going to enjoy his time without the videogames.

It looked like a different world.  I sat around this morning and watched a movie on AMC called Tony Rome.  It was a late 60's movie with Frank Sinatra and it was set in the "glamourous" world of Miami.  I watched this thing, and as a resident of south Florida for the better part of 30 years now, and it may have well as been Mars for as much as it looked like the Miami and south Florida that I know.  Really hilarious to watch Sinatra as the "tough but tender" private eye, awash in intrigue, betrayal, sex, diamonds and...did I mention sex?  Talk about your "old school" movies.  This was back in a time when women were "dames" and didn't mind it when Frankie baby gave them an affectionate slap on the ass.  This was a time when hardnosed police detective Richard Conte tells Frank that "everyone knows that you hated your ex-partner" to which Frank replies "yeah, but I didn't kill him"....and that's good enough for Conte.  All things considered, it was pretty racy stuff for the time, with talk about lesbians, drug addicts....and oh yeah, Jill St John walking around wearing hardly anything.  Oh, and did I mention that she's a married woman who's on the prowl for an affair?  She practically throws herself at the Chairman of the Board, but Frank is all business sister, and don't you forget it.  And I'll tell ya something else...Jill may have just possibly been the hottest woman working in Hollywood at that time.
What a body....and that voice!  OMAN.  I'd give it:  ***  you won't believe its Miami.
And last night I watched Murder on the Orient Express.  Now this is truly old school Hollywood.  The allstar cast.  The locations.  The costumes.  This was truly a film worthy of the Hollywood of yesterday.  Stars?  Lauren Bacall, Ingrid Bergman, Sean Connery, Albert Finney, Jacqueline Bisset, Anthony Perkins, Richard Widmark, Martin Balsam, Vanessa Redgrave & Michael York...just to name a few.
And a deliciously complicated murder of a horrible person....set against a famous kidnapping from years before....all of this on the world's most famous train ride!!
And the real story is....well, its so ludricous and preposterous....it had to be true!
What a great film and a fun way to spend two hours.  **** 1/2

Later,
Jeff

9/15/04

Well, its been an interesting couple of days.  I have tomorrow off of work, as I will be celebrating Rosh Hoshannah--please don't call, I'll be in the middle of introspection.  What will make the day particularly relaxing is the knowledge that my Friday is looking like a complete pain in the ass, as I will be covering someone else's courtroom---UGH!  Here I was, thinking that I had a nice Friday where I would be finishing up some paperwork of mine, and then maybe leaving an hour or two early to get a jumpstart on the weekend.....but noooooooo!
And what makes it worse is, I had a double docket today that I had to do.  Arraignments in the morning, trial docket in the afternoon.  Not much...only about 180 to 190 cases.  UGH.  We had the usual collection of complete morons present for the arraignments, including my favorite story of the day......a guy comes up, charged with possession of (increase the volume in your voice here) MARIJUANA.  So the judge asks the guy if he's ever been arrested before, he says no...and then she asks the state attorney for priors against the defendant.  The prosecutor says that he has a possesion of marijuana charge from 2003 that he paid court costs on.
Here's an approximate transcript of what happened next:
"Uh, did you forget about that other case....LAST YEAR?"  The judge says.
"Oh, uh....yeah, now that you mention it."
"You know that you can lose your license for 2 years for a conviction on this?"
"Say what?"
"Do you need your license for work?"
"Hell yeah, I got 3 jobs."
"Okay, can you do some probation and stay off the pot?"
"Well, yeah...I mean, I ain't addicted to the motherfucker."

Sitcoms have nothing on what I see in court everyday.

Last night Kellie started her confirmation classes.  Andy was in the class at our church for a year and couldn't tell me the name of one kid in his class when we went for the luncheon.  Kim predicted that Kellie will not only know the name of every kid in the class by week # 3, but be friends with at least half of them.

The other thing from court today that I forgot to mention was the prostitute.  Yep, she comes walking up to the front of the courtroom and the judge asks her how she wants to plead.
"Judge, I'd like to plead no contest, but I'd like you to know that I'm a student and a taxpayer."
"Well, that's nice....you pay taxes."
"Yes I do."
"You pay taxes on your earnings as a prostitute?"
"Yes, they take taxes out every paycheck."
"You pay taxes on an illegal activity?"

I'm sure her pimp was putting the tax money into a nice mutual fund.

Later,
jeff

9/12/04--Interesting weekend

Hmm....well this has been an interesting weekend, to say the very least.  As I predicted earlier in the week, Uncle Ivan the hurricane decided to head to the west where he will no doubt be causing grief to the Mexicans along the Yucatan.  So much for all the work we did at the office on Friday, after our "emergency meeting" in the morning....before we left, we all had to throw plastic wrap around our computers and desks, which were then held down "securely" with masking tape. 
I found myself trying to imagine just what the plastic wrap and masking tape was going to do if confronted with a blown out window and 160 mph winds.  Hmmm....my money would be on the winds, but hey, maybe I'm wrong.

We had sort of an up and down weekend at home....on Saturday morning, I had one of those long talks with Kellie about something that I heard at work.  It had hit a little too close to home for my liking.  Someone had told me about a defendant that was in magistrates who was charged with a sexual act on a minor.  Apparently, this girl had started talking to this guy in a chatroom, and the usual lies were told by both of them apparently.  The girl claimed to be 15, and the guy 25.  They ended up meeting at the Barnes & Noble about 2 blocks from my house, and doing the whole makeout session in the backseat.  They met at the same location a week later, and the guy took the girl to an apartment, where thank God he didn't rape her, but he did some....hmm....shall we say "inappropriate" things with her.  What was scary was that the girl lived 2 streets over from us and was, in reality, 12 yrs old (the same age as Kellie).  I tried to explain to Kellie, not too necessarily scare her, that this was one of the reasons that we monitor what she does on a computer.  That this guy (who was actually almost 30) could meet a teenager in a chatroom is a pretty scary thing.
So last night, I decide to hook up with RPM and go to the Van Halen concert.  Now, anyone who knows RPM knows that he still has the first quarter he ever made and so naturally he hadn't purchased tickets yet.  He was planning, as always, to do the old scalp routine---which is basically what he does for every concert.  Face value?  What?  Are you out of your mind???  So we're out front, and unfortunately for us there's also about another 20 people all of whom are trying to snag tickets also.  Now RPM,who wouldn't dream of paying face value (did I mention this?) begins to immediately undercut every offer we're presented with by at least 50%.
The closest we got was a guy who offered us two tickets for $80 (which is below face--but not by much).  So RPM says..."how about two for $40?"  Well naturally the guy isn't going to take that....and almost out of spite walks over to the first person he sees and promptly sells them the tickets for $60.  UGH.  So anyway, the bottomline is that we do NOT get into the concert, which is kind of a drag because I really did want to see them....but it was a learning experience.  RPM swore that he had never not been able to get tickets, and was almost incredulous at his inability to do so.  So I get home, and as I walk through the door, Kim hits me with the bad news.  She had gotten a phone call from one of Kellie's teachers, informing her that Kellie had failed to turn in an assignment.  When the teacher asked Kellie why she hadn't done the assignment, Kellie told her it was because she had lost the book.
Naturally, she hadn't bother to tell us about the conversation or the lost book.  She hadn't bothered to tell us as we took her to the football game on Friday night and watched her hang out with all her little cheerleader girlfriends.  She hadn't mentioned it before she played in the pool all day on Saturday.  And boy does that get me steamed.  To me...that's like lieing---and I tell the kids that there is no offense worse in our house than lieing.  It hits at the very crux of all the things we try and teach the kids.  Dishonesty is the ultimate insult to us as parents.  So Kim says that she has already told Kellie that she has taken away her phone priviledges for 3 days and I then added 3 days of no television and no computer.  Well, to say that the additions weren't to her liking would be quite the understatement.  She leaves for her bedroom in a mild huff, and I hear her telling her mother how boring the next couple of days are going to be.
"You know what's killing her," Kim says, "its the no t.v. thing."
"Well of course it is," I said, "that's why I did it.  Maybe now she'll learn a lesson."
So when she comes out to say goodnight she is being quite the little snit, and I remind her of the age old adage--provided to us by....ahem....Mr. Michael Brady.
"Never go to bed angry."
And I remind her that her mom andI have never gone to bed angry at one another.
(And I can't believe I've found a woman who is capable of doing that with me as her husband, but hey--you get lucky, ya know?)  So she goes to bed, still snooty, and this morning she gets up and begins to give me the old "silent treatment".  Now mind you, I also had mentioned to her last evening just how much I hated that, since the lovely former Mrs. Me # 2 was an accomplished master at that tactic.  So we're driving to church in silence, and we get home...more silence.  And I'm really starting to get pissed.  I tell Kim that I was thinking of ADDING days onto her "no t.v." sentence.  So then, much later in the afternoon as I'm cooking dinner on the barbie, she suddenly begins waving hello to me.  Oh boy....here we go.
"Oh, I'm sorry....is that your little way of letting me know that your now ready to talk to me?  Well guess what?  Now I'M not ready to talk to you!  I told you last night that I you shouldn't go to bed mad, and let it stew....but you did and it happened.  And guess what?  It happened to me also and now I'm mad too.  So now you have to wait until I get over it."
The great part was when I walked into the living room and the dreaded Hank the father-in-law asked me if I was yelling at one of the dogs (??--how in God's name did he come up with that based on that conversation?).  I told him, no...I was yelling at his granddaughter.  The look on his face was priceless.
So then, later in the day, I called Kellie into the living room and had another talk with her.  I told her that I had lived with the silent treatment from someone else named Kelly for almost 9 years---and that I wasn't about to start that again.  I told her that I was thinking about ADDING to her punishment, but that if I did that I would've been doing it just to be spiteful, and that wasn't the right thing to do.  So I told her that I was going to reinstate her t.v. priviledges a day early (what a guy, huh?  I'm a regular Ward Cleaver!)  Well, at least tonight I got a kiss good night from my daughter.

And what a great sports weekend for yours truly!!!  First of all, my Irish, rising like the proverbial Phoenix from the ashes, put the proverbial ass whoopin  on (to quote Jim Mandich)  MEEEEEEEEEECHIGAN.  Oh Lord, was this one sweet.  If N.D. could beat Michigan, Boston College & USC every year, I might be able to accept the occasional losing season.  Remember the name---Darius Walker.  His first game as a member of the Fighting Irish and he goes for 115 yds.  My oh my!
Then, today...its the Vikings just slapping the Cowboys from pillar to post.  Duante throws for FIVE touchdown passes, and thank God I have him as my QB on my fantasy team this year instead of Rich Gannon--yeah, that's a slight upgrade.  And then there was the sight of Keyshawn, despite an admireable effort, getting bounced on his head after one hit in the secondary.  Man, it doesn't get much better than that.
Anytime you can beat the Cowboys, and cause consternation to Jerry Jones--owner of the single worst looking wig in sports--its a good day.

Later,
jeff

9/10/04

Its one of the moments that every parent waits for.  Your child's big moment in the spotlight.  If your child is a big sports star, it might be the time they score a touchdown or hit a homerun.  If they're a cheerleader, it might be the time they have their big routine in front of an audience.  Of course, if your kid is in BAND, its the first time they play at a football game....opening game....first game o' the season.
The football team has been practicing until their honed to a fine edge....the band has been practicing until the instruments seem to flow as one with their hands....all are ready for the debut performance.
So my son Andy is not "technically" in the marching band.  He's one of the guys who's in the band who gets to drag the giant drum around the field.  It reminds me of one of my favorite Woody Allen movies---Take the Money and Run.  There's a great scene early in the movie where Woody is recalling his troubled youth and you see the Woodman playing lst chair--in the marching band.  And you see the band parading down main street during some holiday, and there's Woody....trying to catch up while holding his cello and dragging a chair along with him.  He stops...plays a few notes, then runs to the front of the line and sits his chair down again.  Really funny stuff.  Anyway, back to Andy Poe-Bowdren (or, as I call him..."A.P.B.").
So he makes his first appearence on the field at the beginning of the game, playing the Star Spangled Banner and does a nice job nailing the big cymbals together.
Then its halftime, of what was a pretty decent game, and its time for the marching band's big show.  So as the members of the MARCHING BAND parade out to the middle of the field--using military like precision, Andy and a few other kids are walking into the stadium dragging the giant drum and the xylophone, among other things.  And A.P.B. puts his drum where it needs to go, looks back and sees a young girl having some trouble rolling the giant gong onto the sidelines.  So, being the gentleman that I taught him to be (?!!?), he runs over and basically takes over for her.  The girl is obviously thankful and starts heading over to whatever her particular instrument is....and ole APB keeps rolling the gong.  And then.....it happens........
The string holding the gong onto its base snaps, and the gong crashes to the ground.
Only...it doesn't just crash to the ground....I mean....it CRASHES TO THE GROUND.  There's this echo that reverbarates seemingly over the entire campus.
And APB has this look of blind panic on his face....the old...."what the fuck do I do now??"  I'm telling ya, if I had a camcorder, I coulda won a million bucks with this video.  And at that very moment...after we were done being mortified for APB, Kim and I look at one another.....and just break out laughing.
"I'm so proud right now," I said.
And, since of course one of my favorite hobbies is giving my children crap....I go down to the fence at the end of the halftime show as the band is walking off the field.
APB is walking past me and sort of nervously glances over....
"Hey!  Try not to drop the gong this time," I said "supportively".
"The string broke!  It wasn't my fault."

And at the end of the night, I told APB that he had done a good job....and that I noticed just how fast the girl he had helped had bailed out the minute that string broke.....and yet I couldn't help but wonder just how perfect it would've been to have had the band break into the old T-Rex song "Bang a Gong" the minute that the string broke......man, sometimes parenting can be big fun.  And the best part is, that Andy is usually no fun giving crap too, because he usually never lets anything bother him.  Now his sister on the other hand, she begins marching band NEXT year....and she lets just about EVERYTHING I do bother her.....OMAN.  Big fun!!

Later,
jeff

9/7/04 Hurricane Ivan is NOT coming towards us!!

So everyone I know is absolutely convinced that Hurricane Ivan is heading right for us, sure to bring us more doom & gloom.  This despite the fact that Ivan is currently slightly to the north of Antartica and is making a beeline for the Yucatan Pennisula.
Frances has turned everyone in this state into a hurricanephobe (I'd like to receive credit for making that word up). 
So last night we had something fun happen.  I was out to dinner with the wife & the daughter, and we went to Landlubbers for some so-so chicken wings.  Well, there's about a 5 minute wait for a table, and right next store is the Puppy Store or some such nonsense and I ask Kellie if she wants to go look at the dogs (I mean, c'mon people---who goes to a petstore to look at CATS?)....anyway, there right in the window is a beautiful Australian Shepherd female, and I was telling Kellie that it was just like the dog I used to have before I had met her mom (back in the day when I was still with the former Mrs. Me # 2).  After dinner, Kellie & I are egging the wife on about how much we want ANOTHER dog--that would make three by the way-- and Kim is tell me that puppies only chew things.
"Ya mean like Beezer does now anyway?"
Then she mentions that puppies have "accidents" on the carpet.
"I'll clean it up," Kellie volunteers.
"You don't even keep your own room clean," Kim points out, "now you're going to go around cleaning up dog poop?"
Kellie offers instead to cough up some of her cold, hard cash.
So now we're in the car, going to pick up Andy.  I tell Kellie that what we REALLY need to do is to come up with a good  name for the dog--since everyone should understand just how important a good name is.  So I throw out a couple of good choices, which are rejected....and Kellie throws out some really lousy suggestions
("Fluffy" or some crap like that)....and I tell her that what we really need is a great name for an AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD.
Hint time---who knows what women are called in Australia?  Anyone??

And then Kellie leans forward and says..."hey, how about the name SHEILA?"
(The call women down under "sheilas" half-wit)

So now there's this moment of slightly uncomfortable silence and finally I glanced over at Kim next to me.

"It ain't gonna happen."

Damn, thwarted again.  Do you not realize how perfect that name would be for me?

SPORTS ALERT!!  lST ANNUAL NFL PREDICTIONS!!
Yes sports fans (both of you), its time for you to take advantage of the opportunity to make tons and tons of $$$$ by listening to my advice on just how the NFL should shake out this season.  Ignore me at your own peril.......
AFC EAST:
1) New England 12-4
2) Buffalo 8-8
3) NY Jets 7-9
4) Miami 5-11 (oh, what...your surprised?  Puh-leeze...what a collection of stiffs!)
AFC NORTH:
1) Baltimore 10-6
2) Pittsburgh 8-8
3) Cincinnati 7-9 (might be better than last year--but their schedule is tougher)
4) Cleveland 6-10
AFC SOUTH:
1) Indianapolis 12-4
2) Tennessee 11-5
3) Jacksonville 7-9
4) Houston 6-10 (starting to build a team for the future though)
AFC WEST:
1) Denver 10-6
2) Kansas City 10-6
3) Oakland 4-12
4) San Diego 3-13

NFC EAST:
1) Philadelphia 13-3
2) Dallas 8-8
3) Washington 7-9
4) NY Giants 5-11
NFC NORTH:
1) Minnesota 11-5
2) Green Bay 9-7
3) Detroit 7-9
4) Chicago 5-11
NFC SOUTH:
1) Carolina 10-6 (tougher schedule means worse record--still a strong team though)
2) Atlanta 9-7
3) New Orleans 9-7
4) Tampa Bay 6-10 (lost a ton of talent on defense)
NFC WEST:
1) Seattle 11-5
2) St Louis 8-8
3) Arizona 6-10 (Denny Green--good coach, total egomaniac)
4) San Francisco 4-12

In the playoffs, in the AFC I see New England, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Tennessee, Denver & Kansas City.
In the NFC, in the playoffs, I like Philadelphia, Minnesota, Green Bay, Carolina, Atlanta, New Orleans & Seattle.

In the AFC title game---Indianapolis over Tennesee
In the NFC title game---Philadelphia over Minnesota

Super Bowl?  Indianapolis over Philadelphia

Call Cesar's Palace...call the Bellagio....call...ah, screw it...call Morty the bookie.

Later,
Jeff

 

 

 

9/6/04---Thank God for air conditioning

First of all.....Everything is going okay, the family is good....Frances is currently heading north to see my brother in the panhandle.  Now that I've said that....I have never been so hot and miserable as I was this morning when I got up.  It wasn't just hot and muggy....it was HOT AND MUGGY and...STIFLING.  I mean, you sit down and you just start sweating.  It was disgusting.  Last night, with no electricity and with (needless to say) NO AIR CONDITIONING I slept on the couch in the living room.  I had opened every window in the house, and Kim slept on the floor in our bedroom in front of the sliding doors.  I had turned the couch around, so that I was facing the window, just praying that I would get a breeze.  So the lights go off, I'm laying there....and NOTHING.  And I can feel myself starting to sweat.   And the first thing I'm thinking is just how bad me & this damn couch are going to smell in the morning.  And as I lay there with my eyes closed....I thought...."Lord, just give me a breeze maybe ever 10 seconds or so---that's all I'm asking for here".  And no lie...this wonderful breeze came through the window and it felt great.  And then the wind was still again for about a minute.  And I started to sweat again.  I used up a lot of prayers on cool breezes.
Our front yard looks like a total mess.  Our wild orchid tree in the front yard started to go on Saturday afternoon and by the nightime we had an extremely large plant laying on its side by the road.  Guess who gets to call the insurance company tomorrow?
Oh yeah, and Notre Dame got their ass kicked by the friggin Mormons!  UGH!
Overall, not a great weekend....which isn't easy to do when you've basically had a 5 day weekend.
Did I mention that I missed the air conditioning?

Later,
Jeff

9/4/04--Lighten up Francis

Do you have any idea how freakin annoying it is to have written about a page and a half in your BLOG and have the power go out?  Before you saved it???  
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
So, I'm going to be a gentleman here and try and proceed---if it happens again, that's it...I'm done for now!

The damn storm can't decide if it wants to shit or get off the pot.  Its "lingering".  UGH.  It appears that every person in my family is going to be affected by this thing though....I'm here in western Ft Lauderdale at Casa De Bowdren bunkered down.
My parents in Orlando have headed to a shelter.  My sister in Jacksonville is going to hope that she doesn't have to leave her home, and my brother in Ft Walton Bch in the panhandle is standing by waiting to come down and help any of us who need it
(its good to have a contractor in the family)....but WHOOPS!  The latest projections say the damn thing might cross Florida, head out into the Gulf of Mexico...and head his way!!  Talk about changing your travel plans!

SPORTS ALERT!!  SPORTS ALERT!!  ABANDON ALL HOPE YEE WHO ENTER!!

Okay, so today is the first REAL day of college football.  My beloved Fighting Irish have traveled to Provo, Utah, (currently NOT under a threat from Hurricane Frances--but give it time) and will do battle with the Fighting Mormons from BYU this evening.  My prediction for the game is that the hurricane will wait until right around kickoff to disrupt my satellite, and I won't be able to watch the game.  Trust me....its fate.  "Cruel fate, why do you mock me?"
Should be some interesting games to watch...some blowouts, some upsets...the usual.  The hurricane is playing havoc with scheduling, as a lot of games here in Florida have had to be rescheduled, including the long awaited rematch between Miami & FSU, and I'm sure the Noles will give them a great game....and then the kicker will blow the field goal at the end.  Hey, it happens every year.  Don't blame me.  I was going to do a review of the Irish, but I already started that once, and the damn power went out....let's just say, I'm going to hope for a 7-4 season.  Anything less than that and the heat will be on Ty Willingham even worse than it is now.
Remember that this is Ty's 3rd season in South Bend, and that's very important to followers of the Irish.  Every great coach--Rockne, Leahy, Ara P., Devine & Holtz has won a national title in his 3rd year.  That doesn't mean I'm expecting that from Ty--I just dont' wanna see us get our asses handed too us by 30 points again.  The list of coaches who did NOT win a national title in South Bend their 3rd season is, uh, slightly less prestigious than the other one.  Let's hope for a nice win tonight in Provo....because otherwise, I'm going to be one grumpy BLOG writer.

Later,
jeff

9/3/04--Hurricane Frances looms

Well, we've officially got our house all secure and bunkered up.  I can't say its "boarded" up...cause we got metal shutters!  In what can only be described as fortuitous thinking, the guy that built the house decided to install the brackets for hurricane shutters.  While our neighbors were outside yesterday cursing and yelling (Who?  Me??), it took us about an hour and a half to 2 hours to slap up the shutters and spin the damn wingnuts that tightened them.
I want it to go north, except if it goes north then it heads towards my parents or my sister.  So I'll say that I hope it goes north and then heads out to sea.

I decided to do a column early because, as I sat thinking this morning, I thought to myself that God forbid anything should happen to me or my house--my poor readers wouldn't know the result of my # 1 movie of alltime!!!  I couldn't live with myself if I kept you hanging like that, now could I?

SPORTS ALERT!!  Ladies, look away---quickly!!
I have had some requests for my "annual" football selections....I won't mention the name of the person who's been "nagging" me (cough--WILEY--cough), but he's right...how can any of you properly make your entirely legal wagers in Vegas without my selections?  How selfish of me!  Let's take a look at college football, with one man's personal top 10.  Let's try and remember....that the top 10 teams doesn't necessarily mean the best 10 teams.  Away we go:
10) Utah--pretty easy schedule, Urban Meyer is a whitehot coaching candidate for a big school that's looking (hello Notre Dame!) and he runs a wide open offense.
  9) Auburn--tons of talent including two guys who could be all-conference at RB, a veteran QB...as long as the administration leaves Tommy Tuberville alone this year they could sneak into the top 10.  Lots of talented teams in the SEC this year.
  8) FSU--talented?  Oh, of course.  Will Bobby B pull at least one rabbit out of his hat again this year?  Of course.  Why only # 8 and not higher?  Well....let's remember...they have to play the Hurricanes AGAIN (its getting to be a mental thing for Noles players) and there's always the Chris Rix factor.  Until he proves me wrong (and he has the talent to do so), I'll keep waiting for Rix to screw up again.
  7) Michigan--I hate Lloyd Carr.  He's a cranky, whining piece of crap.  But, his team wins at least 9 games seemingly every year and plays in a big bowl game.  You have to (reluctantly) give him credit for that.  The maize & blue have to replace a 4 yr starter at QB and an all-american at RB though.
  6) West Virginia--what??  The stinking hillbillies from Morgantown this high?  What's the matter Jeff....hitting the pipe again?  Nope...its like I said.  The top 10 teams won't necessarily mean the BEST 10 teams.  The 'neers have a ridiculously soft schedule without Miami & Va Tech (toughest game all year is vs. Maryland)
and will be this year's annual embarassing team that sneaks into the BCS.
  5) Miami--much like the Noles, so much will depend on their returning QB.  If Brock Berlin has the lights go on, they could really be a player in the BCS this year.
On the other hand, if he plays in the same fog he did last year, the hook could come early this year from coach Larry Coker.  They will probably find the ACC just a tad
stronger than the Big Least.
  4) Texas--isn't this song and dance getting old?  The 'horns will most likely go
10-1, losing (of course) to Oklahoma, then go and play a terrific bowl game, end up being either # 2 or 3 in the recruiting rankings, and keep doing this seemingly for the rest of time immortal.
  3) USC--they probably have more talent than anyone in the country, and Pete Carroll is a perfect example of the right coach getting the right job, but they have lost a LOT of people since last year that they were expecting to have this year.  Mike Williams and Whitney Lewis were supposed to be their starting WR's....OT Winston Justice got himself in trouble off the field and is suspended for the whole season...RB
Herschel Dennis is facing a sexual assault allegation and is suspended indefinitely.
That's a lot of talent to lose before the season starts.  However, that being said....there is just insane depth here and there schedule is weak.
  2) Georgia--Lots of senior leadership with QB David Greene & DE David Pollack
going for an SEC title and the big kahuna itself, that being the national title.  Usually that much veteran leadership plus great talent and a great young head coach (Mark Richt) usually means big things.  Loss of starting RB Kregg Lumpkin will hurt, but they have a ton of talent at the position and watch out for freshman RB Danny Ware to make an early impact.
  1) Oklahoma--returning Heisman winner, tons of talent, great coach....and a lot of pissed off players with something to prove equals=my choice for national champion.
Lots of guys who feel like they've got something to prove.

HELLO----LADIES!!! OVER HERE!! Yeah...right here!!  That's it...no more sports talk for right now......
Let me finish up for now with my final top 10 listing (for those of you waiting breathlessly no doubt).....
10) The Shawshank Redemption
  9) Rear Window
  8) Outlaw Josey Wales
  7) Godfather 1 & 2
  6) Lord of the Rings trilogy
  5) Unforgiven
  4) Jaws
  3) The Deerhunter
  2) Road Warrior
and finally....after weeks of waiting...I offer to you...my choice...my own personal opinion if you will....as my number one favorite movie of alltime.....
  1) Blade Runner--from 1982, director Ridley Scott's amazing vision of what our future will look like in 40 years, in the year 2019.  Harrison Ford is Deckard, a burned-out (aren't they always?) cop in Los Angeles who specializes in the termination of "replicants", which is basically a new way of saying robots.  This is the story that "I, Robot" would like to be.  Technically, its absolutely stunning.  The visuals of the director's imagining of what L.A. will look like 40 years in the future is dazzling.  A superior cast, led by Ford, Sean Young, Edward James Olmos, Darryl
Hannah (there's that name again!) and others is terrific.  But the heart of the film, the actor and the character who truly reaches out through the screen of your television and captures you is Rutger Hauer, never this great before or since (although he was truly creepy in The Hitcher), as replicant Roy Batty, trying desperately to avoid his termination date and the end of his life....and all the while trying to find out just what in the world it means to be human.  This is true science fiction and its an amazing film to watch.  There are however, two versions.  One has the rather dull Harrison Ford narration (I guess the studio felt that audiences wouldn't "get" some of the allegories offered in the film and had to have it explained to them) and the other is without narration.  The latter is the one to try and watch.  Two scenes in particular to look out for:  the first involves Harrison Ford & Sean Young--with a slow saxophone solo in the background.  Its assexy and erotic a scene as you'll ever see.  The other is the more famous scene, involving Ford & Hauer on a rooftop....both men fighting for their right to live, but in totally different ways.  Hauer's speech is absolutely epic.
A visual wonderland.....and a great story to boot.   *****

Later,
jeff

PS....I'll try and throw my Notre Dame preview up before tomorrow night's game, including offering my reasons why I did not have them on my top 10 list.  (ya know, besides the fact that there not that good.)

9/1/04--I've Been Sick as a Dog!!

Ya know how you....hmmm....how you know your own body?  Okay perverts, that's not what I mean (well, at least not THIS time)....I mean how, do you know when you're about to get sick?  Man, I know every single time.  Monday morning I was sitting at my desk, getting ready to go to court and all of a sudden it started to hit me.  I went into court, we went to trial, and during the middle of jury selection I started having a massive coughing fit (the judge thought I was about to buy the farm). It got worse and worse during the day, and when I got home, I told Kim that there was like ZERO chance that I would be going to the "open house" night at the kids school.  I mean, c'mon...on my best day those things are torture to go too.  If I'm sick, I'd be looking for a gun to put myself out of my misery!  Anyway, luckily Kim made the decision that we weren't going to go (man, I love that woman!).  Then I got basically zero sleep on Monday night//Tuesday morning....called in sick and was pretty much miserable the whole day.  Last night I felt a little better, but knowing that Wednesday is one of the slower days of the week, and that Thursday is usually a madhouse, I decided to take one more day off.  Finally started to feel close to returning to normal around early afternoon.  Fortunately for you, my loyal and beloved readers....I made the most of my time off by watching some movies and having reviews for you!!  Am I just the host with the most....or what?  I mean, c'mon I'm suffering here for my art!  (well, sorta)
And how about this God forsaken hurricane???  Geez, louise...what does the man upstairs have against the people of Florida?  A couple of weeks ago he wacks the SW coast of the state, and now this monster storm is off the eastern coast trying to decide what the heck it wants to do.  Which means.....yep, being a government employee...I'm off again tomorrow!  Hurricane day!  By the way, I should mention that even in the throes of my misery yesterday....by God I went out and voted!!  I sure hope all of you did also!  Anyway, hopefully this storm (Frances?  what sort of name is that for a storm?) will turn north and go out to sea again and leave Florida alone for awhile....we got wounds that need to heal here people!  Anyway, just in case, I may be putting up storm shutters and all that shit tomorrow.  And if there is one thing that better not happen....this damn storm had better not interfere with me being able to watch some college football this weekend!  If there's one thing I hate, its being inconvienced!  (Ya know?)

So anyway....like I said.....I got to watch some movies over the last couple of days:
1) From Hell:  I've had this DVD for ever, and I finally got around to watching the damn thing.  Man, does that Johnny Depp make some good movies.  I've heard his last one..."Secret Window" or something is kinda crappy, but man....everything else this guy does is at least INTERESTING.  This one is a retelling of the Jack the Ripper legend, with Depp as an inspector assigned to the case, being ably assisted by Robbie Coltrane, Ian Holm and Heather Graham, as the only whore in London during the late 1800's with all her teeth.  I will say this for the movie.  It doesn't glamourize prostitution.  Depp's character is also ably assisted by a nasty opium habit which causes him to see "visions" of the killer and his victims.  That opium is some kinda nasty shit....look what it did to Chris Walken in The Deerhunter.  You chase the dragon...and bad things happen.  Anyway, this is a really good movie.  Not great mind you, but really good.  A tad on the gory side, and I certainly wouldn't recommend letting junior sit down and watch it with you, but there are a lot worse ways to kill 2 hours.  ***3/4
2) War of the Worlds---so I'm flipping the channels last night, and I happen upon this old classic from the 50's, starring Gene Barry, who some of you may remember as Bat Masterson from t.v. (any of you?  What about you?  Oh, c'mon people!!  Am I that freakin old??)  Anyway, this is great cheezy 50's cinema at its best.  There are tons of allegories here about the U.S. and communists and stuff....but just sit back and enjoy Gene and the army try and figure out how to save Los Angeles!!  ***
3) Starsky & Hutch--okay, here's a guilty pleasure admission.  When I was in middle school and into high school, this was one of my favorite t.v. shows.  Stupid?  Oh God, of course it was.  But it was fun, in a slightly brutal way....and there wasn't a kid in high school who didn't dream about owning that badass Gran Torino.  The remake stars Ben Stiller & Owen Wilson and they play the remake for laughs.  In this one, Starsky is a total tightass, by the book cop, and Hutch is a 70's slacker, barely walking that fine line between being a police officer and breaking the law thru sheer laziness.  It makes for a cute setup, as Stiller in particular has nailed some of Paul Michael Glaser's old mannerisms as Starsky.  Fred the Hammer Williamson plays Capt Doby in the role originated by.....anybody?  Anyone remember??  The great Bernie Hamilton ladies and gentlemen!!  Thank you, thank you very much.
Antonio Fargas as Huggy Bear has been replaced by Snoop Dogg, who has made the character more empowered than the original's sniveling informant.  (There's a very funny sight gag in the movie involving Huggy's pet iguana--I'll leave it at that)
Overall, I liked the movie, as I thought it was a playful homage to the 70's.  I say this while admitting that I have never watched one of those God forsaken Charlie's Angels movies.....some things just shouldn't be tampered with!  ***1/2
4) Kill Bill, Volume 2---so the first movie in this series was all about the action, with some of the greatest kickass fight scenes in movie history.  This one, the concluding chapter, is more about the storyline, as it tells the complete history of "The Bride", played by (never thought I'd say this one people)....the great Uma Thurman.  This one is the equal of Volume 1, and for totally different reasons.  It makes for a satisfying conclusion, as a lot of the questions posed in the first movie are answered.
What's also great is the way that Quentin Tarantino pulls amazing performances out of people that you would least expect it out of.  David Carradine?  Hey, a quirky guy--but am I shocked that he does a great job?  No.  Michael Madsen?  This was the guy who cut off the cops ear in Reservior Dogs.  Am I shocked that he does a great job as Carradine's sleazy hitman brother?  Nope.  Darryl Hannah?  Am I shocked that she absolutely kicks ass as a one-eyed assassin who has one of the alltime great fight scenes with Uma Thurman?  Well, uh.....okay....yeah, I was shocked at that one.  I mean---C'MON PEOPLE!!  Darryl Hannah?  When the hell was the last time she was any good in a fucking movie?????   Darryl Hannah???
Holy crap!  Tarantino must be some kind of a miracle worker, cuz Darryl Hannah is great in this role.  And I loved some of the veteran character actors that Q.T. has working in this movie include Samuel L Jackson, Bo Svenson (no shit!  Bo Svenson!
Good Lord--where in the hell has he been at lately?) & Michael Parks (remember "Then Came Bronson"?)  This and the first volume are more than just kung-fu movies...you're really doing yourself a disservice if you're avoiding them because you think that.  ****1/4
5)  Predator--You know...one of the things I enjoy as a new parent is introducing my kids, and in particular my son, to the joys of a great action movie.  Andy is really into the whole outer space thing...and I knew he would love the Predator character.
I think outside of the Terminator movies, this might be Arnie's best role.  He's made some pretty bad movies (Raw Deal, Commando to name just two), but when paired with a really good director (James Cameron with the Terminator movies & John McTiernan here) he made some damn good action movies.  Arnie is also helped out by a stellar supporting cast, including Carl Weathers, Bill Duke & Jesse Ventura--who just spouts out great lines left in right in this one.  Tons of great action here, as a group of soldiers in a latin american country on a secret mission begin to realize that they're being hunted by something that is....(drumroll please)....NOT OF THIS EARTH!!!!!   Great bloody fun.  One of your alltime "guy" movie classics.  ****

 

I know, I know....I've been avoiding my top 10 list.....Let me get back to it:
10) The Shawshank Redemption
  9) Rear Widnow
  8) The Outlaw Josey Wales
  7) The Godfather 1 & 2
  6) Lord of the Rings trilogy
  5) Unforgiven
  4) Jaws
  3) The Deerhunter
  2) The Road Warrior---hey, its my damn list.  If you don't like it, go read someone elses.  I remember going to the old Lauderhill Mall back around 1981 or so with my old buddy David Little to see this movie that he told me looked really good in the previews.  I just sat there for almost 2 hours with my mouth wide open watching the greatest action movie I've ever seen until that point---and since then.  This film hits the ground running and doesn't let up, concluding with one of the greatest car chases in cinematic history, an over the top vehicle crashing spectacular rivaled perhaps only by the mayhem wrought by the car chase sequence in The Blues Brothers.
Mel Gibson became an international superstar as Max, the former road patrol officer driven from his home and from civilization by the death of his wife and young child.
He is doomed to wander the roads of Australia's outback, searching for fuel in a future post-apocalpse world....chasing and being chased by lawless outlaws.  He is finally confronted with the loss of his own humanity by a group of survivors who have been processing gasoline, the most prescious commodity in the wasteland.
Max's decision, on whether to help the survivor's or not, will decide his own fate.
A great movie that influenced countless other inferior remakes, but make no mistake about it....this is the movie that made Mel Gibson a star.  *****
PS....if you want to check out the first movie in the series, called Mad Max, its definitely worth checking out, if for nothing else than for one of the greatest opening sequences in movie history....but beware....the redubbing of some of the actor's voices (apparently they had some rather heavy Australian accents) is pretty bad.
Still, a good little action movie that sets up The Road Warrior.  ***1/2
Beware however, of the horrible 3rd movie in the series, Mad Max:  Beyond Thunderdome.  Tina Turner, a bunch of whiny kids and a plot line that had something to do with turning pig shit into fuel (I'm not making that up).  UGH!  * 1/4

Later,
jeff