Well, I'm in the midst of a visit with America's couple, Mary & Larry (otherwise known as Mom & Dad). Certainly there should be the virtual plethora of stories to come from the visit....so stand by America! I've have remembered to bring the digital camera as well....so guess what? Actual photos of family members will follow!
I know, I know--how can one man bring so much excitement into your life, right?
The ride up this morning was fine....Kim drove, and I brought the portable television/VCR and watched last season's Boise State-Louisville bowl game (and hey, it was one hell of a game!) Boy its nice having an accomadating wife! (The proceeding statement was written with full knowledge that my wife READS this blog--ahem). Anyway, my sister & her husband have just arrived....and in what can only be described as a "fashion faux pas".....my sister is wearing the SAME OUTFIT that she wore the last time I was up here! (Hey,I have photographic proof) My brother and his family are out at Wal-Mart (or as Mare is quick to point out---"Now, that's a SUPER WAL-MART...don't forget") but are expected home directly. Tonight is dinner at Outback, which should be could for a few laughs.
Mom has already called to check into the possibility of getting a reservation.....and said....
"Mom, did you get the name of the person you spoke with?"
"Oh yeah...I always get names. I got names...."
Just a little intense. She really seems to care.....about WHAT I have no idea.
Later,
Jeff
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
6/14/05--Learning to hate Linksys
Living in the computer age, is there a worse feeling than trying to go online and getting the old..."this page cannot be displayed" thing? UGH!
Then, you have to turn around, and call your provider, in my case....Bellsouth.
And you spend around an hour online...usually with someone who sounds like the guy who runs the QuickieMart on The Simpson's. And you don't get a squeeshie, either. Then of course, they tell you that it is NOT A BELLSOUTH problem.
So then you call Linksys....and you spend about an hour online with them....again, talking to the guy from the QuickieMart.....and what happens? You hear the following statement from your wife:
"Um, is the cord supposed to be plugged into the hold marked "INTERNET"?"
(Cue the Homer Simpson soundbyte)
DOH!
Anyway, I'm back online....and has anything interesting happened since I've been gone?
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?????
It's like I told the wife last night.....Tom Cruise could cut Katie Holmes' head off tomorrow...and wouldn't have to sweat it. Its all about celebrity folks.
Later,
Jeff
Then, you have to turn around, and call your provider, in my case....Bellsouth.
And you spend around an hour online...usually with someone who sounds like the guy who runs the QuickieMart on The Simpson's. And you don't get a squeeshie, either. Then of course, they tell you that it is NOT A BELLSOUTH problem.
So then you call Linksys....and you spend about an hour online with them....again, talking to the guy from the QuickieMart.....and what happens? You hear the following statement from your wife:
"Um, is the cord supposed to be plugged into the hold marked "INTERNET"?"
(Cue the Homer Simpson soundbyte)
DOH!
Anyway, I'm back online....and has anything interesting happened since I've been gone?
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?????
It's like I told the wife last night.....Tom Cruise could cut Katie Holmes' head off tomorrow...and wouldn't have to sweat it. Its all about celebrity folks.
Later,
Jeff
Saturday, June 11, 2005
6/11/05---The Canine Mutiny
So its been sort of a "shitty" week at the Bowdren house. By that I mean, that our new dog....Jazzy Doodle...had come down with some sort of stomach virus//Montezuma's Revenge//Hershey Squirts//Dixie Trots//bowel irregularity//bad case of the "run's". And it twerent pretty there folks. It started like late Tuesday, and continuted through today, when we were going to be taking the dogs to the vet's anyway...for their once every couple of month "day spa" treatment where they get bathed, brushed, checked over and under and get their nails clipped. Its like Jiffy Lube for dogs, only a little pricier. So naturally, this is the day that Jazz picks to start getting regular. So the doctor's learned opinion?
"Uh....she's got an upset stomach."
8 years of college will earn ya the right to hit the diagnosis right on the head.
So she's doing good now, Beezer--our orally fixated dog--has been having a problem with dry skin, so now he has to take some sort of medicine for that....and meanwhile old Midnight just keeps rolling along. The girl at the vet's who does the dog bath's now knows all the dogs...and when we walk in goes:
"Hey, here come the Bowdren dogs!!"
Makes me a proud parent, ya know? Anyway, she tells us this story about how the dogs, since they come to this place on such a regular basis for a bath....and since they know the routine.....that when she brings Midnight in the room, she says:
"Okay Midnight....you know the drill."
And she swears that he walks over to the scale, sits himself down to get weighed and then walks over to the little rampway that leads to the tub where they get washed. My Bubba is the world's smartest dog.
Later,
Jeff....proud papa of "The Bowdren dogs".
"Uh....she's got an upset stomach."
8 years of college will earn ya the right to hit the diagnosis right on the head.
So she's doing good now, Beezer--our orally fixated dog--has been having a problem with dry skin, so now he has to take some sort of medicine for that....and meanwhile old Midnight just keeps rolling along. The girl at the vet's who does the dog bath's now knows all the dogs...and when we walk in goes:
"Hey, here come the Bowdren dogs!!"
Makes me a proud parent, ya know? Anyway, she tells us this story about how the dogs, since they come to this place on such a regular basis for a bath....and since they know the routine.....that when she brings Midnight in the room, she says:
"Okay Midnight....you know the drill."
And she swears that he walks over to the scale, sits himself down to get weighed and then walks over to the little rampway that leads to the tub where they get washed. My Bubba is the world's smartest dog.
Later,
Jeff....proud papa of "The Bowdren dogs".
Tuesday, June 7, 2005
6/7/05---Why do some women marry idiots?
So yesterday I'm out on break with a couple of friends of mine from work, MC D Blay & MoMo....and as we were talking we happened to see a lady who works in the building with us who about a year ago married one of the Wackenhut guys who works as security for the building. The ladies were discussing what a huge idiot this woman's husband is, mentioning (among other things) how he has a stud in his tongue that he loves to flash at the ladies for his own amusement. While we were talking about this, one of the ladies remembered that I had once considered going out with the woman in question. I hadn't remembered that (how can I keep track?) and didn't think it was correct, but no....the other lady remembered it also, telling me about how I had said that years ago I thought she would be a nice person to date.
I was searching my memory trying to remember when exactly I had said that......and I was thinking about her husband, the security guard, and how totally opposite they seemed for one another. Now, I understand the old theory of "opposites attract" and all that....but this guy is pretty much universally thought of as a real clod....and so I sat there and thought to myself....'just what was it that she saw in the guy?'
And I realize....that sometimes, there just isn't a reason that can be explained. I can recall going back to high school, that one of my best friends was a girl who lived down the street....sweet as sweet could be....cute as a button....and the guy she was dating was a complete a-hole. And no one, including her own mother, could understand what the attraction was. Was it..."the bad boy" thing that attracted her?
And through the years....I've seen women that I've known...women that I used to be involved with....that date guys who treat them like absolute shit. And I just don't get it. When a guy treats you like that....is the theory that, once you marry him, that he's going to change and suddenly become Mr. Wonderful? Uh....no. There was a girl I used to work with who ended up marrying a police officer (The WORST) and we never EVER saw the guy say as much as a nice word to the girl when they were together. And yet, they're still together....couple of kids.....so go figure. And it makes me wonder....what exactly is the attraction there? I can actually remember a woman that I was involved with telling me.....that I treated her "too nice" andthat she wasn't used to that.
Just a second.
WHAAAA?
I was "too nice"? What the hell does that mean? Excuse me while I change my ways and start treating you like dogshit! Here's a theory of mine that I've gone by for going on almost 20 years now.....ready?
Chicks are weird.
Later,
Jeff
I was searching my memory trying to remember when exactly I had said that......and I was thinking about her husband, the security guard, and how totally opposite they seemed for one another. Now, I understand the old theory of "opposites attract" and all that....but this guy is pretty much universally thought of as a real clod....and so I sat there and thought to myself....'just what was it that she saw in the guy?'
And I realize....that sometimes, there just isn't a reason that can be explained. I can recall going back to high school, that one of my best friends was a girl who lived down the street....sweet as sweet could be....cute as a button....and the guy she was dating was a complete a-hole. And no one, including her own mother, could understand what the attraction was. Was it..."the bad boy" thing that attracted her?
And through the years....I've seen women that I've known...women that I used to be involved with....that date guys who treat them like absolute shit. And I just don't get it. When a guy treats you like that....is the theory that, once you marry him, that he's going to change and suddenly become Mr. Wonderful? Uh....no. There was a girl I used to work with who ended up marrying a police officer (The WORST) and we never EVER saw the guy say as much as a nice word to the girl when they were together. And yet, they're still together....couple of kids.....so go figure. And it makes me wonder....what exactly is the attraction there? I can actually remember a woman that I was involved with telling me.....that I treated her "too nice" andthat she wasn't used to that.
Just a second.
WHAAAA?
I was "too nice"? What the hell does that mean? Excuse me while I change my ways and start treating you like dogshit! Here's a theory of mine that I've gone by for going on almost 20 years now.....ready?
Chicks are weird.
Later,
Jeff
Monday, June 6, 2005
6/6/05--Movie reviews---AGAIN!
I had a full weekend of movie viewing to update you on. Quite a good group also.
1) Meet the Fockers--I didn't think it was nearly as funny as the first one (Meet the Parents). Some of the same old stuff tried once again...and the inclusion of a baby into the storyline just didn't work for me. That being said, there were definitely some very funny scenes, mainly involving new characters played by Greg Focker's (Ben Stiller) parents, played by Dusting Hoffman & Barbara Streisand. Cute, but nothing special. **1/2
2) Hotel Rwanda--a grim retelling of the ethnic genocide that took place in Africa in the mid-90's. Don Cheadle, one of America's finest and most underrated actors, plays a man in charge of a hotel who gives refuge to over 1,000 people by bribing, conniving, lieing, cheating and doing anything in his power to keep the seemingly doomed political prisoners safe in a time of chaos. This is strong, powerful moviemaking....not the kind of film that you sit down and eat a tub of popcorn watching. Its a grim topic, but well told and excellently acted. ****
3) Boogie Nights--I can't believe that after all these years I had never actually seen this film all the way through. What the hell was I waiting for? This was unquestionably one of the best movies not only of 1997, but of the entire decade of the 90's. A stylish look back at the pornography industry in the late 70's, as it began to change to an industry driven not by film, but by video and the effects of stardom and the toll it can take through the eyes of Dirk Diggler (a remarkably effective Mark Wahlberg). Diggler is a man of....hmmm....a rather unique talent that fits right in with the rest of the porno industry and is discovered by adult film director Jack Horner (Burt Reynolds, who hasn't been this good in maybe....forever). Diggler is then made part of Horner's "family" of actors, who include Julianne Moore, John O'Reilly, Don Cheadle, Luis Guzman, Heather Graham & William H Macy. All the actors are terrific, and the soundtrack is awesome. You will laugh a little, be scared a little, be intrigued a little. This is one hell of a great film and a MUST SEE. *****
4) Identity--Agatha Christie's classic tale of "Ten Little Indians" is retold yet again as John Cusack (solid as always) & Ray Liotta are among the ten people with seemingly zero connection who find themselves stranded during a violent storm at a small hotel in Nevada. One by one....people start dieing. Its all pretty creepy, but the problem that most movies like this have is that the payoff is horrible. This one however, has a really intriguing, almost "trippy" ending. There's another storyline involving a prisoner on deathrow about to be executed that doesn't pay off until the very end of the movie. I really liked this movie a lot more than I thought I would.
Good solid mystery with a real twist ending. ****
5) The Girl Next Door--now this one....I went into with almost ZERO expectations.
It was almost my bedtime, I thought I'd watch about 1/2 hour of some stupid teenagers-trying-to-get-laid comedy and that would be the end of it. WRONG!
This is a wonderful surprise. One half Risky Business and one half Boogie Nights, this movie tells us about a young boy, slightly nerdy and president of the student council (Emile Hirsch) who discovers one evening that he has a new neighbor--and she is a knockout (Elisha Cuthbert from television's "24"). Only, turns out that she is a porno star (there's that word again) who has moved into her aunt's house for a brief break from her....cough, cough....career to spend a few days on vacation.
Things begin to spiral out of control, just like in Risky Business, and its load of fun---in a slightly sleazy kind of manner. Fun stuff and terrific support work by among others, Timothy Olyphant (from televison's "Deadwood"). He plays Kelly, the dishonorable film director who comes looking for Cuthbert---and he is hilarious, practically stealing the film dead away from the rest of the kll. **** very funny.
Later,
Jeff
1) Meet the Fockers--I didn't think it was nearly as funny as the first one (Meet the Parents). Some of the same old stuff tried once again...and the inclusion of a baby into the storyline just didn't work for me. That being said, there were definitely some very funny scenes, mainly involving new characters played by Greg Focker's (Ben Stiller) parents, played by Dusting Hoffman & Barbara Streisand. Cute, but nothing special. **1/2
2) Hotel Rwanda--a grim retelling of the ethnic genocide that took place in Africa in the mid-90's. Don Cheadle, one of America's finest and most underrated actors, plays a man in charge of a hotel who gives refuge to over 1,000 people by bribing, conniving, lieing, cheating and doing anything in his power to keep the seemingly doomed political prisoners safe in a time of chaos. This is strong, powerful moviemaking....not the kind of film that you sit down and eat a tub of popcorn watching. Its a grim topic, but well told and excellently acted. ****
3) Boogie Nights--I can't believe that after all these years I had never actually seen this film all the way through. What the hell was I waiting for? This was unquestionably one of the best movies not only of 1997, but of the entire decade of the 90's. A stylish look back at the pornography industry in the late 70's, as it began to change to an industry driven not by film, but by video and the effects of stardom and the toll it can take through the eyes of Dirk Diggler (a remarkably effective Mark Wahlberg). Diggler is a man of....hmmm....a rather unique talent that fits right in with the rest of the porno industry and is discovered by adult film director Jack Horner (Burt Reynolds, who hasn't been this good in maybe....forever). Diggler is then made part of Horner's "family" of actors, who include Julianne Moore, John O'Reilly, Don Cheadle, Luis Guzman, Heather Graham & William H Macy. All the actors are terrific, and the soundtrack is awesome. You will laugh a little, be scared a little, be intrigued a little. This is one hell of a great film and a MUST SEE. *****
4) Identity--Agatha Christie's classic tale of "Ten Little Indians" is retold yet again as John Cusack (solid as always) & Ray Liotta are among the ten people with seemingly zero connection who find themselves stranded during a violent storm at a small hotel in Nevada. One by one....people start dieing. Its all pretty creepy, but the problem that most movies like this have is that the payoff is horrible. This one however, has a really intriguing, almost "trippy" ending. There's another storyline involving a prisoner on deathrow about to be executed that doesn't pay off until the very end of the movie. I really liked this movie a lot more than I thought I would.
Good solid mystery with a real twist ending. ****
5) The Girl Next Door--now this one....I went into with almost ZERO expectations.
It was almost my bedtime, I thought I'd watch about 1/2 hour of some stupid teenagers-trying-to-get-laid comedy and that would be the end of it. WRONG!
This is a wonderful surprise. One half Risky Business and one half Boogie Nights, this movie tells us about a young boy, slightly nerdy and president of the student council (Emile Hirsch) who discovers one evening that he has a new neighbor--and she is a knockout (Elisha Cuthbert from television's "24"). Only, turns out that she is a porno star (there's that word again) who has moved into her aunt's house for a brief break from her....cough, cough....career to spend a few days on vacation.
Things begin to spiral out of control, just like in Risky Business, and its load of fun---in a slightly sleazy kind of manner. Fun stuff and terrific support work by among others, Timothy Olyphant (from televison's "Deadwood"). He plays Kelly, the dishonorable film director who comes looking for Cuthbert---and he is hilarious, practically stealing the film dead away from the rest of the kll. **** very funny.
Later,
Jeff
Sunday, June 5, 2005
6/5/05---Its all about teaching the children
So last night we take the kids over to the dreaded Applebee's for a little dinner.
We get there and our waitress is a little cutie named Sam who is talking a mile a minute. She gives us the dinner specials for the evening, takes our order and leaves.
A few minutes later, at the table next to us, another waitress, named Danielle, comes over....reads the dinner specials to them...takes their order, and leaves.
When Sam comes back with our meals, I motioned for her to come over. She leans over and I said:
"Ya know, I couldn't help overhearing Danielle give the dinner specials to the next table, and I must say....you did a MUCH better job of it."
"Really?"
"Oh totally."
"Well that is too funny, because Danielle is actually my best friend and now I can just go and throw this into her face."
She walks away and Kim rolls her eyes. Kellie mentions to her mom how she has gone and married someone who is very weird....and Andy....well, he's just watching.
I look up and see that Sam has stopped Danielle not to far from our table and is telling her the story. Danielle turns around towards us, a look of horror on her face.
"What? I didn't say nothing!" I say..."It was him (I point to Andy)....he said it!"
"I don't like your table!" Danielle says in mock protest.
Later, as we're paying the bill....and I have my order in the "to go" box (the ribs really weren't that good to be honest with you)......I remind Sam that I asked for some sauce to go with my order---and that a mistake like that is just the sort of thing that can impact how big a tip she's going to get.
"But I put the sauce in there....I know I did." she says.
"I don't think so....let me check....."
And of course, it was already in there....and I got a lot of grief. So we leave, and we're walking out to the car.....I pull Andy close to me and say....just loud enough for Kim and Kellie to hear of course....
"Son...I want you to realize what a valuable lesson I taught you tonite. What I was doing in there is what is called...'flirting'. Let me tell you...if I hadn't had the old ball and chain with me here tonight.....I would have gotten Sam's phone number.....
GUARANTEED."
So we get into the car....and Kim asks the kids if they knew what a ball and chain was. Andy said it was a weapon that they used to use in the old days.
"And sometimes," I said...slightly sarcastically, "it had red hair."
Wife rolls her eyes, Kellie says I'm weird.......Andy learns how to flirt. Maybe it will help him down the road.
But I could've gotten that phone number. I swear.
Later,
Jeff
We get there and our waitress is a little cutie named Sam who is talking a mile a minute. She gives us the dinner specials for the evening, takes our order and leaves.
A few minutes later, at the table next to us, another waitress, named Danielle, comes over....reads the dinner specials to them...takes their order, and leaves.
When Sam comes back with our meals, I motioned for her to come over. She leans over and I said:
"Ya know, I couldn't help overhearing Danielle give the dinner specials to the next table, and I must say....you did a MUCH better job of it."
"Really?"
"Oh totally."
"Well that is too funny, because Danielle is actually my best friend and now I can just go and throw this into her face."
She walks away and Kim rolls her eyes. Kellie mentions to her mom how she has gone and married someone who is very weird....and Andy....well, he's just watching.
I look up and see that Sam has stopped Danielle not to far from our table and is telling her the story. Danielle turns around towards us, a look of horror on her face.
"What? I didn't say nothing!" I say..."It was him (I point to Andy)....he said it!"
"I don't like your table!" Danielle says in mock protest.
Later, as we're paying the bill....and I have my order in the "to go" box (the ribs really weren't that good to be honest with you)......I remind Sam that I asked for some sauce to go with my order---and that a mistake like that is just the sort of thing that can impact how big a tip she's going to get.
"But I put the sauce in there....I know I did." she says.
"I don't think so....let me check....."
And of course, it was already in there....and I got a lot of grief. So we leave, and we're walking out to the car.....I pull Andy close to me and say....just loud enough for Kim and Kellie to hear of course....
"Son...I want you to realize what a valuable lesson I taught you tonite. What I was doing in there is what is called...'flirting'. Let me tell you...if I hadn't had the old ball and chain with me here tonight.....I would have gotten Sam's phone number.....
GUARANTEED."
So we get into the car....and Kim asks the kids if they knew what a ball and chain was. Andy said it was a weapon that they used to use in the old days.
"And sometimes," I said...slightly sarcastically, "it had red hair."
Wife rolls her eyes, Kellie says I'm weird.......Andy learns how to flirt. Maybe it will help him down the road.
But I could've gotten that phone number. I swear.
Later,
Jeff
Friday, June 3, 2005
6/3/05--More tales of the courthouse
Since its been awhile since my last posting, I'd thought I'd give you a little bit of that voodoo that I do....so well. Today we'll look back at one of my favorite former judge's, who really was half crazy. Hilarious, but half crazy none the less.
The judge in question liked to think of herself as a bit of an amateur psychologist.
Everytime a defendant would come into court and mention that they were on some sort of anti-depressant or mind altering medication....look out because the PDR was coming out and she was going to be giving out the instant diagnosis (just add water).
Since she had people coming into her courtroom who were charged with either DUI's or minor drug offenses, she had her very own "experts" who were there almost everyday. George & Bernie, who could've starred in the movie adaption of the "ambigiously gay duo". They were wildly effeminate and thought nothing of giving the judge their instant analysis of someone's condition. Their only training appeared to be the fact that they were (were??) drug addicts in the past who felt they could help (help??) people who were currently having problems. Someone the drug use also made them experts in alcohol recovery as well, which lead to some pretty funny moments in court. The judge would call someone up who was charged with a DUI, and if the person happened to plead "not guilty" and also happened to be without counsel.....it went something like this.
"Sir have you had anything to drink today?" the judge would ask.
"No maam."
"Bernie, would you smell his breath?"
Bernie would step up to the defendant, put his nose almost INSIDE the defendant's mouth and inhale deeply.
"I smell alcohol judge!" Bernie would announce triumphantly.
"I haven't drank any alcohol." the defendant would reply.
"DENIAL!! DENIAL!! The defendant is in denial judge!" Bernie would scream.
The judge would then order the defendant into an alcohol or substance abuse program....taught be.....guess who? Yep, no conflict there.
Or heaven help the person who was charged with domestic violence. The person (almost always a guy) would walk up and be asked how he pleads. If he plead not guilty...it went something like this.
"I plead not guilty judge." the defendant would say.
"Okay...is the victim here?" Judge says.
"She's right back there judge."
"Step up here maam. Deputy, please escortthe defendant into the back into the jury room." (Only slightly illegal by the way)
At this point the victim would walk up in front of the judge.
"HOW CAN YOU LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU??" she would scream at the victim.
"He didn't do it," the victim would say. "That's why he's pleading not guilty."
"Oh fine...just leave."
Then there were the guys who were charged with....ahem....the occasional crime involving a lewd act....for example....a lewd act in which only one person was involved--if ya get my drift and I think ya do.
"Step forward please sir. I'm telling you here today that you've been charged with (leans into her microphone) LEWD CONDUCT. It says here that you were observed MASTURBATING in your car."
By the time the plea was taken, all the defendant wanted to do was run out the side door of the courtroom.
She also had a vaguely disturbing personal habit. She used to wear dresses a lot to work, but when she sat down on the bench she would put one foot underneath her, which resulted in...after awhile of just sitting there....her dress would begin to ride up on her. And I don't mean just a little bit. By the end of the docket, attorney's would be coming up to the bench and having to divert their gaze, or they would be getting just a little bit more of the judge than they probably wanted to see.
Once again...true story.
Later,
Jeff
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