9/30/04--what the hell happened to September??

Where in the blue hell did this month go?  Geez Louise....This has been one of those week's at work where the Big Kahuna has been getting his money's worth out of me.
(There are those RARE weeks, ya know)  Tons of shit on my desk, and it may take me the whole day tomorrow to find the top of the desk.  Lots of wackjobs too.
I mean more than usual.  Great story from the office the other day that I know you'll enjoy (otherwise you wouldn't be reading this freakin thing).
It seems that the lovely former Mrs Me # 1 approached a member of management and advised them that she needed to leave for home immediately.  What follows is an approximate transcript of what I am told was said:
"I have to go...my husband fell at home and said he needs me."  former Mrs Me #1
"What...he's 'fallen and he can't get up?' member of management
"No, I'm serious....he says he's really hurt."
"Well why doesn't he call 911?"
"I dunno.  He said he wants me to come home and help him."
"Why don't you bring Jeff home with you to help?"

Dead silence.
"I'm sorry, that was sort of mean, wasn't it?"

(RIMSHOT!)

SPORTS ALERT SPORTS ALERT
Well, my beloved Cubs are currently doing everything in their power to blow the wildcard spot in the National League.  They have lost (no lie--look it up) 3 games in the last week with two outs in the 9th inning.  That's some impressive choking, anyway you look at it.  I don't wanna say the relief pitching as been bad....but that giant sucking sound you hear will hopefully be the majority of the Cubs bullpen exiting via OHare airport after the season is over.  UGH.

Big game in South Bend this weekend.  Heck, HUGE game in South Bend.  This should really be the game that let's us know if the Irish are a real good team or just another collection of underachievers.  Their facing Purdue, who has a real good offense with a future NFL QB behind center....should be a tough game....but look it up....Purdue has not beaten the Irish in South Bend....no lie.....since 1974.  My call:
Notre Dame--28   Purdue--24

Back to the real world...I'd like to give a special shout out to my buddy Steve and his wife (and my former sister-in-law.....AAAAAAHHHH!!!!) Colleen.  Why?
Well....the other evening I was giving old Colleen a call...and we had a conversation something along these lines...
"Hey there....wanted to give you a call about some stuff coming up."
"Well Steven isn't here."
"I know...I was calling you.  He always forgets shit."
"Tell me about it...did he give you our news?"
"News?"
"Well....let's just say that I could come to a Halloween party dressed as a pregnant woman this year."
"Excuse me?"
"Yep."
"You mean.....he slipped one past the goalie?"
"Yep....I went to the doctor for something TOTALLY different and all of a sudden I'm being told that I'm gonna have a baby!"

YIKES!  16 years between kids for Colleen, soon to be the "former" lean, mean one.  So much for their retirement plans.  Congrats you crazy kids.

Later,
Jeff

9/28/04---was it really 13 years ago????

Good Lord...it can't have been that long ago, can it?  You see, for those of you "out of the loop"....today would've been 14 years of wedded bliss if I had remained shackled....er, sorry....MARRIED to wife # 2.  Hey, I kid because I care.
What a day it was....9/28/91.  I won't even go into the background of the day (hard at work on the book---sort of)....anyway, I allowed myself to be talked into a wedding during the MIDDLE of football season!!  I mean, c'mon!  Really....who would do such a thing to a man she REALLY loved?  Am I right?  Gimme a show of hands...one, two, three....okay, I think I've proved my point.  Anyway, everything about that big day was a disaster.  I made the brilliant tactical decision to let my future bride take control of the planning of the event---which was interpreted (perhaps correctly) as "I don't give a shit about the whole thing....you do it."
I mean, really people....what the hell do I care what color the invitations are, ya know?  So the stress level was near its zenith as the big day approached, as I lovingly remember having the engagement ring THROWN at me a week before the wedding day.  (Which some people could construe as a warning sign---but you know me...Mr. Danger...Mr. Reckless)  So the soon to be wife made me promise that I wouldn't watch or tape any football games that day (and trust me....there were literally TONS of great matchups that day).  And I kept my promise.....I had my boy John McAdam in New Hampshire tape all of them for me.  Is that "technically" a lie?
I need a ruling on that one, cuz I'm not sure.  Anyway, I knew things were looking bad when one of my ushers walks into the church with a mini-t.v. WATCHING the FSU-Michigan game.  In the church!  This was viewed (no surprisingly) with a negative eye by the future Mrs Me.  So we go thru the ceremony, during which my soon to be father-in-law almost passed out from sheer terror at walking down the aisle with his daughter, and I suppose it wasn't too bad.  Except when it came time for communion, and a church full with about 100 people had maybe 8 people take the wafer of our Lord.....Godless heathens!!   I was mortified.  So then we head for the reception (which my dad got a speeding ticket), and I shoulda known things were heading downhill during our entrance into the reception hall when my now wife starts telling me not to make to big ascene.  I mean....HELLO!!  Its my wedding day!  If I'm not going to make a scene then.....when?  So anyway, pretty much the whole night the wife is trying to reign me in....and I'm just having a good time, ya know?  Well....little do I know at the time....but out in the audience there was apparently a little wager going on.  The betting line on the new Mr. & Mrs. Moi was....get this one!!.....6 months!!  6 months!!  I can 6 months standing on my head!
Believe me, after I found out, I was plenty pissed.  Pissed because I didn't see any of the vig.  I did the time, and got zero kickback!  What a ripoff!  Anyway, it was an interesting reception, especially when the d.j. did the deal where they have all the guys carry the bride around the room, and they go to pick up my bride (all 90 lbs of her) and when they do....her head slams into the disco ball hanging from the ceiling.
She wasn't hurt at all....which of course meant that it was hilarious.
The rest of the evening...after the reception....was even more bizaare, but manners prevent me from going into the details (that and the fact that I'm saving it for the book--trust me, it'll be a bestseller....my life was THAT bizaare).
So anyway, happy would-have-been-anniversary to the former Mrs Me # 2.
I still think about her, hope she's doing okay....think about the terrific dog that we shared that I walked away from....wish her nothing but peace and good things....and am so happy that I'm out of that relationship you can't even imagine.

Later,
jeff

9/27/04....and did I mention the Kellie Poe-Bowdren drama?

I'm beginning to discover the joy and pleasure to being a parent to a (soon to be) teenage daughter.  Kellie is currently going thru the pangs of young love, as she and the Kronik (my nickname for him) are in the midst of their first arguement.  Its truly the stuff of movies.  She apparently does nothing but talk about him....which of course leads to her girlfriends disliking him....and he does nothing but talk about her, which naturally leads to his friends disliking her.  Its so totally high school.  Except its more like so totally 7th grade.  Anyway, positioning herself not coincidentally right in the middle of the action is her "friend", whom I call "Amanda the man stealer".  The little bitch has had her eye on the Kronik since day 1, and unfortunately my beloved daughter can't see the forest for the trees.  So I told her tonight that she needs to pick either Kronik or Amanda to be in her life....because its not big enough for them both.  Its the classic case of "someone told me you like someone else", and Kellie is suffering bigtime for it.  OMAN.  I've got 6 more years of this shit?  Yikes!

Well, once again south Florida was a lucky lady, as Hurricane Jeanne made a slight turn to the north and ass slammed the good folks of Stuart, Florida, for the 2nd time in a month.  Oh we got plenty of wind, as opposed to Frances, which was all about the rain....but with Jeanne we got wind like I haven't been around in a LONG time.
All those people that tell you that being in hurricane sounds like a freight train going by weren't kidding.  At one point on Saturday night, amongst the times that Kim and I were praying that our electricity wouldn't go out, I decided to take the fellas out for a brief stroll.  Now, although at first glance this might sound like a truly idiotic thing to do....hey!  Their dogs!  They got business to do!  Anyway, so we're out in front of the house....and naturally Midnight the Wonder Dog decides that this is a great opportunity to run around outside and play.  Which of course impacts how quickly that Beezer the Emotionally Unstable Dog is going about his bidness.  So I have to take Midnight back in and go out again with the Beez.  So we're pacing back and forth, trying to inspire him to make Dad a present......and in the meantime I'm trying my best to stay away from any trees---especially any that are swaying just a little bit too far one way or another.  Hey, I love the boys, but I'm not looking to get nailed on the head by a broken branch.  So Beezer is understandably reluctant, so I decide to change our location ever so slightly and risk going over by some smaller trees in hope that the boy will do his thing.  So I'm standing under the tree, and across the street the pine trees in my neighbors yard are swaying like there's no tomorrow.  And that freight train noise that I told you about?  Like there's no tomorrow.  And then above my head I hear a very distinct creeeeeeeeeking sound.  I looked at the boy and told him that he was just going to have to cross his damn legs!

By the way, for those of you keeping track, this was my FIRST ever story involving a dog trying to take a crap.  Please keep score.

SPORTS ALERT SPORTS ALERT SPORTS ALERT
The proverbial mixed bag sports wise this weekend.  A very nice weekend on the football front, as Notre Dame won their 3rd in a row, putting a major case of whoop ass on the Washington Huskies, with Brady Quinn throwing for 4 t.d.'s in the FIRST HALF.  The Vikes beat the Bears, who....well, quite frankly....are the Bears and should've been beaten, and if truth be told...should've been beaten worse than they were.  The WEED had his usual great game, catching 7 passes and starting one fight.
The Cubs, on the other hand....manage to give me a major case of heartburn as they dropped two games to the METS.  (Let me state that one again:  THE METS!!!!)
UGH!  One of the games was lost....I kid you not, with the Cubs holding a 3-0 lead in the bottom of the 9th....and 2 outs.  And the Red Sox fans think they have it bad.
Pussies.

On the movie front.....I started the kids down the right road by exposing them to Blazing Saddles on Friday night.  Kellie was totally bored by the movie until the campfire scene.  That one gets them EVERYTIME.  So then Kim & I watched
"13 Going on 30"....or as I called it, the story of my niece's life.  Pretty good story with a nice little message thrown in (one that naturally my daughter managed to totally miss out on).  Jennifer Garner is supposed to be the hottest thing in movies right now....too skinny.  Decent movie though.  ***

Later,
jeff

9/27/04 Michele with one "L"

She was the last woman I dated before I met Kim, my wife.  We never actually entered into a "relationship", for reasons that are too many to go into.  Suffice to say, it seemed everytime it came time to move from the "dating phase", into the "relationship phase"....some weird freak occurence of nature happened.  It was borderline bizaare.  Anyway, we had remained friends after we stopped dating, and she eventually had met someone, had a child with him and was going on with her life as I went along with mine.  And then, one day a couple of years back, she IMed me online out of nowhere and we began chatting.  Now, for timeline sake, let's say this was about 2 1/2 years ago.  I had been with Kim for about 3 years, and had been living with her for about a year.  I had entered into the gray area of trying to decide whether I really wanted to enter into the whole mess (at least in my life) that is and was marital bliss.....and just remaining....ya know....shacked up.  Kim was starting to give me those "gentle reminders" that she wasn't going to wait around for me to pop the question FOREVER ya know.  So there I was, just surfing the net, and Michele with one L sends me the instant message just saying hello, how ya doing...etc etc.
So we're chatting, because frankly it had been awhile since I had seen her, and all of a sudden she mentions that she is going to Publix (where shopping is a pleasure), which would be the Publix right down the street FROM ME.  Here's where the story gets just a bit interesting......ahem.
"So, come on....why don't you come up to Publix and see me?" she asked.
"Uh...no offense, but WHY would I want to do that?" I responded.
"Well I haven't seen you in like forever...it would be nice to see you."
"Something tells me this sounds like a really bad idea."
"Oh whatta ya worried about?  I'm not going to attack you or anything!"
"Yeah, well....I'm not sure that my girlfriend would be real crazy about the idea of me going to Publix to see my former girlfriend."
"Well then when you come up here buy a quart of milk or something.  Get her some flowers."
"Why?  Because I would feel GUILTY???"

And so I didn't make the Publix run.  Oh, I felt a little bad in that I sorta had been borderline rude to someone I had developed a nice friendship with....but on the other hand.....the whole scenario had DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!  all over it.
AndI didn't hear from her for a few months after that.  And not to long after that, I finally asked Kim to marry me.  And even though she didn't realize it...Michele with one L played a part in my decision.  I decided that I must have really been committed to my relationship with Kim, because if I hadn't been.....and perhaps in another time in my life....I would've gone to Publix for a quart of milk.

So for the last couple of years....I suppose a splinter in my mind's eye had always wondered what would've happened that day if I had gone to the store.  And so, a few years after the fact, I get an IM the other day.  I didn't recognize the name at first....until she identified herself.  It was her.  And she asked if I knew where she was.  I did not, and she told me that she had moved back to New Jersey.  Maybe some part of me breathed a slight sense of relief.  And so, we began chatting, very friendly like...and eventually I sarcastically brought up her "invitation" to go shopping.
She actually asked me why I hadn't gone up there that day.  I told her that she knew EXACTLY why I hadn't gone up there.  Being ever so coy, she insisted that I tell her.  So I did, telling her exactly what would have happened had I gone up there.
(Oh for God's sake, use your imagination)  After a couple of moments of silence, she told me that, at least, that's what she had intended to happen.
I'm telling you, its not easy being me.

But I have nothing but fond memories of Michele with one L.  She was (and is) a terrific woman, and gave me....at least one....of the best memories of my life.
"One for the road".

Sorry dad, THAT story you don't get to hear about.

Later,
jeff

9/24/04---Life Inside the Cone of Death

The Cone of Death.  It sounds like something from "Get Smart!" or an Austin Powers movie.  Unfortunately for us, it has become a weekly occurence for the people of the state of Florida.  And what a huge pain in the ass it is also.  Once again we had to throw up the protective plastic wrap around our desks, always on the ready against the 180mph winds should the windows on the 3rd floor of the courthouse be ripped asunder.  Ahem.  Hopefully the hurricane will do what the weather guys seem to think its going to do and take a late turn northwest, away from us.  Mind you, I understand that my parents are north of here....and my sister and her family also.  I'm not wishing the storm on them, I want the damn thing to take the turn north and go back out to sea---or maybe hit Virginia.  They haven't had a good storm of the century in awhile, have they?

So, I had a pretty interesting day today (besides the whole Cone of Death thing).
And it made me start thinking.  Here I write my journal everyday, and I know a lot of you read it, and I suppose I've cheated myself on a few occasions.  I know my father reads this, whether on a daily basis, I'm not sure.  But there have been a few times when I've sort of "toned down" a story because I wrote with the knowledge that this would be something that my father might be reading.  And as I thought about it today, and of some of the stories that happened today, I decided that, as someone once wrote....."to mine ownself...I must be true."  So Dad, if your reading this....be forewarned....I might be getting a little blue in the next few paragraphs.
Things might be getting a tad.....salacious.  (Meanwhile, all my guy friends are going  ALRIGHT!  Now we're going to get to the good shit!)  Anyway, I write this warning out of respect for him.....so he can jump ahead to the movie review if he wants.

So because of the Cone of Death today, we were forced to take a lunch at work.
So I head towards the breakroom, and guess who should be walking out of the office....heading for the same location--at the same time??   Yep, ole Ms Used to be Me # 1 her own self.  So naturally she doesn't acknowledge me as we're walking out the door, and naturally I begin to give her shit about it.  So we walk into a semi-crowded breakroom across the hall....and as we both walk in, we notice that the only two seats available are DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM ONE ANOTHER!!!
Me, I'm thinking....fuck it, I gotta eat.  She hesitates for a second herself and then sits down.  And don't kid yourself if you think that every eye in the joint aren't on the two of us.  So then she sits down, and as I begin to engage in some lunchtime discussion about the hurricane and other such nonsense, she just joins right in.  I mean like we had known each other for 20 years.  WHOOPS!  Okay, maybe that was a bad analogy.  How about, like we had talked to each other continously without any hostility or underlying tension for 20 years.  Is that better?  So after a few minutes of this, into the breakroom walks the lovely and talented Ms Debbie Blay, who sits down NEXT to the former Mrs Me # 1.  Now what makes this an especially interesting scenario for some of you who don't know is......Debbie was my excuse some years back.  She was the one that I said that I was having a relationship with (Oh not really!  I was speaking hypothetically).  So as she's sitting there, I'm thinking that old Mrs Me # 1 has to wondering just what in the hell this woman is doing sitting next to her.  But, to her credit, she remained quite chatty, as we continued discussing courthouse gossip and the like (can you believe it?  People in our office actually GOSSIP!).  So eventually, the former finally leaves and after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Debbie looks at me and says:
"Well....that was interesting."
"Shit, that's the most I've talked to her in over 6 years."
"I can't believe she talked to me."

And over in the corner, Senor Richie Lopez says to me....
"Damn man, were you guys really married?"
"Seemingly like a thousand years ago."
"Man, you must be some kind of a playa."

What was really interesting was when I went up to ask her a question about work while she was on the phone.  She waved me off.  Thinking that she had slipped back into her "normal" personality, I walked away.  When she came up to me later, she explained that she had waved me off because of who was on the phone.
Old Mr. You-Know-Who.
Oh.
Yeah, I can see where it mighta gotten a little uncomfortable if he had heard me in the background.
Ya think?

So apparently we had another pissing contest at work today.  The chief judge decides, that in lieu of the hurricane's approach, that the courthouse will be closing at 3pm.  Au contraire, sayeth the Big Kahuna.  We will be staying until 5pm.  This was all in response to the events of a couple of weeks back, when our boss gave us the day off before he had the approval of the chief judge.  God forbid he look after the wellbeing of his employees and all, but hey....I digress.

So as if all that wasn't enough.....I'm on the computer tonite and I get an instant message from someone in my past.  (No, not HER silly)  It was, the dreaded Michele "With one L"....otherwise known as the last woman I dated before my lovely bride.  Now mind you, it had been a good 2 1/2 years since I had heard from her...and she had a new screen name and it was a bit of a shock!  Even more shocking was the fact that she had returned to the Garden State.  Michele was one of the women that I went out with between the former Mrs Me # 2....and the current (doesn't that sound like a terrible way to describe her?  "The current"---as if I'm expecting something bad to happen eventually).....let's say God willing and the creeks don't rise.....THE LAST Mrs. Me.  I also refer to that period of time between late '97 & summer of '99 as.....the last days of my reckless youth.  Oh my.
It was a heady time indeed.  And the dreaded Michele with one L was a pretty big part of that time.  We always had a nice time going out with one another....and yet...something always seem to come up right before we firmly established ourselves as being in a.....(shudder)....."relationship".  I can only figure that the reason that we did not end up together is that, much like nitro & dynamite....some things just should not be brought together without fear of a very large explosion.
And I'll get into that next time......

Later,
Jeff
PS...and PUH-LEEZE...after all the good shit I've given you tonite, do not even come to me with that bullshit about "where's the DVD review?"  I'll get to it next time, unless something else really, really interesting happens to me.

9/23/04--Not another freaking hurricane!!

Can you believe it?  Another damn hurricane is heading towards us!  Once again south Florida finds itself in the "cone of death" (or whatever they call it).  All I know is that if this damn storm hits during the weekend, its going to interrupt my air conditioning AND my football watching.  Why can't the stupid things strike on a Wednesday or something...that would be far more convient.
Two days in a row where I actually earned my paycheck.  I worked late again, as our 1:30 hearing, the one where they requested 45 minutes, ended up going a little over 2 hours!  Needless to say, that through our schedule a tad out of wack.  As usual, our arraignment docket provided us with at least one antecdote, this week coming courtesy of the judge.  Actual transcript of a conversation between the two of us today, around 11:15am.
"How many cases are on the docket tomorrow?" she asked me.
"Usual size.  About 100 or so."
"100!  That can't be right...the limit was only supposed to be 50."
"No, that's next Friday's docket.  The one on October 1st."
"But it can't be that big....I have to be out of here by 11am.  I have a flight to Tallahassee."
"Oh...is it a judge's conference?"
"No!  I have tickets to Cher!"

I can't make this stuff up folks.

Today's DVD review, continuing our alpabetical listing, is James Cameron's 1993 underwater adventure--
THE ABYSS...at some point during the early part of the 1990's, undersea adventure became really in vogue.  When Cameron was making The Abyss, out came a quickie called DEEPSTAR SIX, which was mainly interesting because the entire cast was made up of people who were on television shows in the 1980's.  It was pretty horrible.  Next came LEVIATHAN, which had an interesting premise, a halfway decent cast lead by Peter Weller and was a good, solid movie for about 3/4 of the movie---or, until they finally showed the creature.  It looked like some combination of an octopus and a dragon and ruined the movie.  Finally, out came THE ABYSS, and by this point, me & my movie going friends had lost faith in the old undersea adventure story.  Cameron restored our faith.  A solid cast, featuring Ed Harris, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio & Michael Biehn star in the story of a civilian oil rig crew who is sent on a search and rescue mission for a nuclear sub.
However, when they get down there....suffice to say, all is not as it seems.  Some nice special effects.  Also, one of the rare times when you can honestly say that the DVD may be better than the actual movie (which is saying something), as the documentary on the making of the movie is really interesting.   ****1/4

Later,
Jeff

 

9/22/04

It seems like forever since the summer, back in the day when I got home from work around 4:45pm and could sit back and unwind.  That of course was before school started and the kids were getting home around 8pm or after.  All of this is bad for my delicate constitution!
Well the fall t.v. season started tonight, and no I didn't bother watching one of those stupid "reality" shows.  I got a look at the first episode of NYPD Blue last night and tonight I watched the new show called LOST about a group of people stuck on a desert island after a plane crash.  Not bad at all.

Okay, so I fell asleep during the middle of CSI-New York.  Sue me.  Every single weekend, Kim's dad comes over to the house and inevitably, he'll ask us if we've ever seen CSI.  Now, of course we say nooooooo, just like we've done the first 231 times that he asked.  So, I figure I'm gonna really surprise him and watch the premiere episode of the new show, which has Gary Sinise, who I think is a really good actor---anyway, what I saw of it looked pretty good---in between hearing Kim say..."your falling asleep and missing your show!"

So I decided the other day to start breaking down an reviewing my DVD collection, vast as it might be.  I'll make it easy on both of us, and I'll go in alphabetical order.
Tonight we start off with one of my favorite action films of the 80's---
ABOVE THE LAW:  Big Steve Segal stars as Nico Toscanni (and say this about big Steve--the characters he portrayed always had great names), a "rogue" Chicago cop who is after a ruthless assassin played by Henry Silva.  One of the keys in searching for a good Seagal movie is to look at  the supporting cast.  In his good movies, he has good actors in supporting roles.  In his bad films, they try and let big Steve carry the weight by himself, and that ain't good.  The other great thing about this movie is that it was Seagal's first, so he hadn't had time to get fat and all caught up in his own mythology and bullshit.  Anyway, there's some serious ass kicking going on here, as big Steve & partner Pam Grier (??!!??) go after the mysterious Silva, with undertones of government deception and involvement in everything from Vietnam to Central America.  Its as if someone had an idea for like 4 movies, and instead just decided to throw a whole mess of shit in there.  Sharon Stone has a small role as big Steve's wife,which oughta show you just where her career was at this point.  The guys who play Seagal's partners are the same guys who played the cops in the Harrison Ford movie "The Fugitive".  Best scene is big Steve kicking ass on a bar full of drunks---you da man Steve, you da man!  I say:   *** 1/2

Later for now,

Jeff