4/27/07--I fear for our youth...here's why

So last night the wife and I made a run to Publix for a little grocery shopping.  Now, being a big fan of the show "My Name is Earl", I was sporting a nice "Earl" shirt that I had bought in NYC during our visit.  It said:

"Reason #48--Faked My Own Death to Break-up With a Girl"

(If you don't understand that reference you've never watched the show)

Anyway, we finished our shopping and were in the checkout line.  I was putting my debit card through the register when the checkout girl says:

"Why didn't you just break up with her?"

At first I thought she was just making a cute commentary on my shirt.  But when I looked up, I realized that she was asking me a serious question.  Which lead me to believe...that she thought the shirt was in fact.....a personal statement on my part.

Wow.

But wait, it gets better.  Our bagboy began to engage her in an earnest conversation on, hey--here's a subject that doesn't get discussed enough--reasons to have gold crowns put on your teeth.  I mean ALL your teeth.
Whereupon...the following dialogue was heard:

"So you're going to get your whole mouth done?" cashier girl says.
"Oh no," bagboy sez, "only like 16 of them."
"So your getting half of them done then?"
"Nope..only 16."

Oh my.

The conversation continues.

"How about just getting the bottom row done?" cashier girl says.  "That's the why I like it."
"Nope," bag boy says. "I'm going to get 8 on top and 8 on the bottom done.  I gotta save the rest of my money for college."

I'm gonna take a wild guess and say college is not going to be a HUGE issue.

Later,
Jeff

Inconsequential things---but to whom?

So yesterday I went to pick up the kids from Tae Kwon Do--Kim hadn't returned from her trip to Orlando.  The teacher was trying to do one of his famous (or infamous, depending on your viewpoint) "fire up the students" speeches.  During the course of the speech, he told the students that the proposed summer camp before the junior Olympics is now "mandatory".  (Keep in mind that MY kids are not going to the junior Olympics).
Now, at this point, Kellie asks what I think is a perfectly legitimate question:

"Are we going to have to pay for the summercamp if its mandatory?"

So the teacher gave a smart ass answer to what I think he perceived as a smart ass question.  I've told the kids before that I will always support them if their instructor hassles them over something NOT Tae Kwon Do related--such as questioning why they would, ya know, want to do HOMEWORK when they could be practicing tae kwon do. 

So when the class is over and the kids get into the car, Kellie launches into a huge cryfest over the fact that the instructor had sort of given her a snappy answer.  I tried to explain to her that I thought he was not responding to the question, which I thought was a perfectly legitimate one, but the point in the class it was asked.  I've told her before not to interrupt him when he's doing a "fire-up" speech, because she's interrupting what is essentially a tirade....and no good is going to come from that.  She continued to cry, and I tried to explain to her that she needed to come up with a way of letting comments roll of her back--instead of allowing them to get to her.  I pointed out that another student was known to pretty much ignore the instructors, and while I didn't want her to go that far, she needed to basically develop some thicker skin.
Just when I thought she was over it, she began to cry again.  I was frustrated.  I asked her why she was so upset about something that a martial arts instructor was saying to her, and yet...when her mother and I told her to straighten up and be mindful of her grades, she seems to be able to shut us off.  She continued to cry and I got more frustrated.  I told her that, in the grand scheme of life, tae kwon do really wasn't that important.

When I got home, I called Kim...who was still driving home.  I told her that I was very frustrated that Kellie was allowing herself to become so upset over what was supposed to be a recreational activity.  Kim listened...which in itself was all she could do, and yet still helped...and said she would talk to Kellie when she got home.

 I asked Andy why he thought his sister got so emotionally unglued by the comments of a tae kwon do instructor, and what I said didn't mean as much.  He thought a moment and then said.....that Kellie sees me getting upset over silly things....or at least, things that she thinks are silly....or maybe, a little inconsequential.

Kellie came out to the living room a few minutes later.  Her brother left the room and she told me that she wanted to apologize for crying.  I told her that she had nothing to apologize for...that I was sorry for losing my temper and telling her that what was upsetting her was inconsequential.

I realized that what had started the whole thing was something that was inconsequential to ME.....not her.  I told her that I believed, in 15 or 20 years, that she would look back and wonder why she had allowed herself to get so worked up over something that she was supposed to be enjoying.  But, I mentioned, sometimes I forget that she's a 14 yr old girl--and 14 yr old girls are prone to bouts of sudden, unexplainable emotional outbursts.  And then I told her....that while I was not there when she was born, that in my heart...I truly was.  She was not my "step" anything.  She was my daughter.  And sometimes, as my daughter....she also saw me become prone to sudden, unexplainable emotional outbursts.

Sometimes what's inconsequential to me, isn't so inconsequential to someone else.

But what is not inconsequential is my daughter and her feelings.

Later,
Jeff

4/18/07--big moments in our family...relatively speaking

Well tonite and as I walked through the door, I hear Kellie saying to Kim:

"Are you going to tell him or should I?"

I mean, I'm not even through the door yet...and I'm thinking to myself...'oh crap, what now?'  I mean, am I wrong for that?  Anyway, Kim quickly informs me that this evening Kellie will be preparing dinner.  First time ever.  The delicious cuisine she is preparing?

Taco Pie.

So, ya know that's gonna be a low-cal item, right?  Anyway, it was actually pretty good, which is what I was thinking as I noticed my arteries hardening.

This past weekend, we were taking Andy on his next series of college tours.  Kim left with him on Friday to drive to Daytona to visit Embry Riddle University.....Kellie & I were going to fly up and the four of us were going to meet in Orlando at my parents house--visit a college, visit my parents--the plan had its merits.  So Kellie and I get on the plane for the quick flight to Orlando--total flight time:  like 35 minutes.  We somehow were able to snag the front seats on the plane (festival seating folks) and were planning to hog all three seats.  Just before the final passenger boarded, a comely lass of around 30 asked if she could have the middle seat.  Well now, you know me....the original Mr. Accommodating....and she sits right down.  I asked Kellie for her carry-on bag so I could put it in the overhead bin.  The young woman told me that she hadn't meant to sit between a family and would switch if we wanted.  I told her, quite honestly, that I had never seen Kellie before and was traveling alone.

Okay, that part is a joke.

The stewardess comes to bring us a drink and some peanuts, which I try to juggle with my book and an IPOD (keep in mind that in the front row you do not get a tray).
Naturally, since I'm trying to be Mr. Suave here, I manage to spill my drink on my lap and on my book.  She quickly calls for extra napkins to help me clean up my dignity.
Kellie, as always helpful, is laughing hysterically.  The woman seems to have a slight smirk, which I truthfully don't really notice because she's given me a total cleavage shot the entire trip.  The flight ends and Kellie and I are making our way towards the exit, where her Mom is going to pick us up and drive us to my parents.  I stop Kellie and go face to face with her.

"Okay, before your Mom picks us up, I just want you to know something."
"What?"
"I just want you to know, if you hadn't been here...if you hadn't been sitting next to me..."
"Yeah..."
"I would've TOTALLY snagged a phone number from that woman...guaranteed."
"You spilled a drink all over yourself."
"On purpose!"
"Yeah right."

But seriously...I woulda got that number.  My wife...she is sooooo lucky I'm faithful.

So the next day Kim, Andy & I drove to Melbourne, Florida to visit the Florida Institute of Technology.  Its like I tell people--when your child is visiting a college that includes the word "institute" in its name, that's never a bad thing.  I have to admit, they put on a good show on 'open house' day.  Very organized.  Andy seemed impressed with their labs and the fact that they are going to be the owners of the largest telescope in the state within the next few weeks.  Hey, he's not going there on a football scholarship ya know.  I found all the professors and teachers to be very helpful and willing to go out of their way to explain the advantages of the school and their particular programs--even if I didn't understand half the things they were talking about.  Luckily, I'm great at bluffing.  Just the occasional knowing nod-of-the-head and the guy is under the mistaken opinion that I'm fascinated with his thoughts on quantam physics.
Andy appears to be down to two schools....the afore-mentioned Florida Institue of Technology (F.I.T.--to you and me) and Stevens Institute, which we visited while we were in New York.  A decision may be forthcoming.  Stay tuned, I know you're on the edge of your seats.

Later,
Jeff

4/8/07---Things a Dad does NOT need to know

So the other night, I took the family out to the old Outback Steakhouse--where naturally I had chicken (go figure).  So we're walking out of the restaurant, and the lovely Kellie stumbles momentarily before regaining her balance.  She sort of giggles that typical 14 yr old giggle and turns sort of sheepishly to see our reaction.  Her Mom says:

"Yeah, that would've been really nice if you had fallen.  Especially with you wearing a thong under your skirt."

I did NOT need to know that little detail, ya know?

I continue to be....the father of a teenage daughter.

Pray for me.

Later,
Jeff

4/2/07--An epic collapse...even by Florida Panthers standards...but who's to blame????

There's an old tradition when it comes to sports fandom...and its timeless and absolutely unbreakable.  Never, ever, under any circumstance say anything that could potentially jinx your team.  Its just bad form.

Its like, if you're at a baseball game, and your team's pitcher is going into the 9th inning with a no-hitter....it is just understood that you NEVER say the words "no-hitter" out loud.  I mean, c'mon....these are the things that you're supposed to be taught at the earliest possible age of being a sports fan.

I'll never forget, as a Vikings fan, during their glorious season long run in 1998, that future Hall of Famer kicker Gary Anderson had gone an entire season without missing one single field goal.  Not even one.  It was actually incredible.  So as the playoffs are beginning to start, local radio host//ESPN horse racing guy Hank Goldberg blurts out on the radio one day:
"Wouldn't it be wild if the one field goal that Anderson missed cost the Vikings their season?"
I swear to God I'm not making that up.  Of course, since Goldberg was looking at things from a neutral prospective, he can't "technically" be held liable.  If Anderson had been named Garo Yepremian and it was the 1972 Perfect Season....then Goldberg could've technically been hung in the town square by Dolphins fans.

So begins my story.
I'm at the Florida Panthers game last night.  Its the final home game of the season, and the Panthers are mathmetically still alive in the playoffs, although it doesn't look likely.
Still, the Panthers have been playing excellent hockey over the last 2 months and are trying to do the impossible.  This evening, they are playing the Carolina Hurricanes, who are two points ahead of the Panthers in the playoff race--making the game that much more important, since defeating the 'Canes not only helps the Panthers, but hurts Carolina.
The game begins, and the Panthers are absolutely on fire.  The end of the lst period shows Florida up 2-0 and playing fantastic hockey.  The end of the 2nd period, while not quite as impressive for the Cats, still show us leading the game 3-1.  Goalie Ed Belfour is standing on his head, the pushing and shoving is starting.....it almost feels like a playoff game.
The 3rd period begins, and for half the final period the Panthers are still leading 3-1.
Now, I should mention here that my wife and I were given tickets to enabled us to sit in a suite with about 10 other people.  It was very nice, a different way of watching the game.   Here now begins an absolutely epic collapse.  What started it?
The guy sitting next to me says:
"Wow, the Panthers would have to really screw up badly to lose this game, huh?"

Now, allow me to point out, that as a Florida Panther fan, I had seen literally an ENTIRE season go by until, late in March, the team actually won either an overtime or game by shootout.  Trust me, if there's a team that can and will choke--its Florida.

So, I wanted to strangle the guy.

"Uh, excuse me," I said politely, but with gritted teeth.  "Have you actually watched any Panthers games this year?  If there is any team that is capable of choking here, its our hometown team."

You will not be stunned to know that, literally about a minute later, Carolina scored.
Shorthanded.  The score is now 3-2....about 7 minutes left in the game.

Around 2 minutes left in the game, and the inevitable happens.  Carolina scores on a slightly disputed goal that deflects of one of their player's stick (high stick?  Maybe, maybe not--close call).  So now, its 3-3...and I know we're doomed.  The game goes into overtime...and about a minute into the overtime period, Eric Staal of Carolina is moving towards the Panthers goal.  Florida defenseman Bryan Allen is between Staal and the goal, and Staal moves to go around him....and collapses to the ice.  I mean, we're talking Clay-Liston here....phantom punch, phantom hit...same thing.  Its really a shame that a game in the overtime period can be decided by such an obvious dive.
Needless to say, the Panthers are pretty upset by the call.  Goalie Belfour then begins to pantomime the Carolina player diving to the ice.  It was actually really funny, in sort of a Michael Ontekean-during-that-scene-in-Slapshot kind of a way.  Except of course, for the fact that the referee slapped Belfour with a penalty that created a 5 on 3 situation.
30 seconds later--Carolina goal, game over.

The Panthers are now out of the playoffs--mathmatically and otherwise.  It was a crushing loss...even by the high standards that the Panthers have established.  And yet, who should I blame?  The referee?  The Carolina player?  The Panther defenseman?
Our theatrically motivated goalie?

Naah, it was easier just to blame the guy sitting next to me.  So as I was leaving the building, I turned to him.

"Do me a favor...if you're ever at a baseball game...and a guy is throwing a no-hitter, just don't say ANYTHING, okay?"

Later,
Jeff

3/30/07---The Cone of Shame

Today was a big day for my "other boy".  Oh sure, I've come on here before and told you about Midnight the Wonder Dog.  He's smart as a whip...probably the smartest dog I've ever had...but I don't say as much as I should about my other boy....Midnight's brother.....Beezer.  Now, I like to say that Beezer is a great dog...and he totally is.
He's very handsome....great personality...the ladies love my Beedalee....but there's just one little thing:
He's dumb as a rock.
Which is totally okay.  Its part of what makes him so lovable.  He's a full blooded mix.
Mom was a full blooded Yellow Lab, Dad was a full blooded Golden Retriever.  Hence a full blooded mix---that's my boy!  Anyway, today was a big day for Beezer.
He was going in for some minor surgery--well, it was "minor" to the doctor.  I'm not really sure if Beezer thought it was minor.  The Beez, like a lot of older retrievers, has had a problem with hemotomas in his ears.  Because he's got floppy ears, he has a tendency for water to get in them, which leads him to shake his head (and ears) pretty violently...which causes tiny blood vessels in his ears to burst...which causes blood to leak into the bottom of his ears...which equals:  hemotomas.  He's had them drained twice now...and this time the doctor was recommending surgery to correct the problem.
Essentially what was going to be done was that the doctor was going to cauliflower the ear by "cross-stiching" it.  This would prevent the blood from flowing to the bottom of his ear, and this way no hemotomas could form. 
Still, I was a little nervous for my boy.
I dropped him off about 8am.  He wasn't allowed any food or water in prepartion for his surgery.  This totally threw off his routine as well as the other two dogs.  Kim said it was hilarious watching the dogs as they would follow her around, trying to figure out why she wasn't putting any food into their dishes.  Talk about your Pavlov's dogs!

Finally, about 1:30pm I got the call from the dog's vet, Dr. Sullivan.  He happily informed me that Beezer was out of surgery and on the way to a speedy recovery.
He also informed me that the Beez seemed to be enjoying his medication "a little too much", as according to the doc Beez was "zonked out of his mind".  I told the doc to throw some Pink Floyd on the sound system....or maybe some Allman Bros...and that he would be just fine with that.
Dark Side of the Moon....Beezer's favorite album of alltime.

Anyway, we went and picked him up around 4:30pm, and he is currently wearing....
"the cone of shame".  Some people call it a satellite dish...its to prevent him from being able to scratch his ear.  He hates it though...and keeps bumping into things in the living room.  He looks miserable.

But, if it makes his ears better....a little minor misery is better than a lifetime of ear problems.  I've told him that the ladies in the neighborhood won't see him with his cone of shame.....and when he gets it taken off....he'll have his tough looking cauliflowered ear...and he'll look like one of those oldtime boxers or wrestlers....and his new name?

Lil Bruiser

The chicks...they love a tough guy.

Later,
Jeff

3/26/07---Movie reviews

So I'm catching up on some movies I had missed in the theatre....away we go.

1) Borat--this might be the most politically in-correct movie that I've ever seen.  Borat, or Sacha Cohen, is a simple immigrant from a former Soviet Republic.  Well, that's the storyline at least.  He is obsessively in character as a t.v. news reporter who comes to learn the customs of the good old USA.  A couple of things that really strike you:
A) He is totally committed to the role, even staying in character during legitimate stops by the police.  You keep figuring that eventually he's going to be forced to tell SOMEONE that its all a goof...but God bless him, he keeps it up throughout.
B) Don't even think of watching this if you're easily offended.  He literally skewers everyone and every conceivable race, creed or ethnicity.
The good news is, if your open minded about it....you'll be laughing uncontrollably while your watching it.  This isn't just funny....its REALLY funny.  Uncomfortably so.  Because while your laughing...you'll probably be feeling guilty about it.   ****

2) The Illusionist--here's the first of our two "magician" movies that I recently watched.
This one stars the vastly underrated Edward Norton, who really should have received far more critical praise for this role.  He plays a young man in the late 1800's who becomes his country's most celebrated magician.  His success brings him to the attention of the crown prince, who just happens to be engaged to the magician's first and only true love.  This makes for some interesting melodrama....and its very well done.
Women will love it for the love triangle, guys will love it for the terrific ending.  The great Paul Giamatti plays a police investigator who gets mixed up in the triangle.  He & Norton are terrific as always.  ****

3) Babel--The big theory being expounded here is that we are intertwined on this planet we share, and a seemingly innocent gesture half a world away can have ramifications from one side of the world to another.   Or, you could say that what you have here is four (seemingly) unrelated stories that show what happens when a miscommunication leads to a misunderstanding that leads to....big drama.  Some terrific acting, and although Brad Pitt is the lead name on the movie posters I thought the storyline involving 1/2 of Brangelina was probably the most boring one of the bunch.  Pay particular attention to the story of the young deaf Japanese girl played by Rinko Kikuchi.  She was deservedly nominated for an Oscar for best supporting actress.  Not for everyone, but a compelling movie.  ****

4) Zodiac--okay, I did manage to make it to the theatre for one film this week.  Here is the story of the search for the serial killer who terrorized the Bay Area in and around San Francisco in the late 60's and early 70's.  The story is not so much about the killer, but about the men of the police department and the local newpaper and their obsessive search for the answer of the killer's identity.  The movie is more "All the President's Men" than "Silence of the Lambs" though, although it does have several outstanding performances....Jake Gyllanhahl is particularly strong as an editorial cartoonist who finds himself becoming obsessed with the case.  The movie is directed by David Fincher, who has created quite a name and reputation for himself in examing the dark side of humanity in films like Se7en & Fight Club.  However, particularly chilling in a smaller but pivotal
role is John Carroll Lynch, who portrays one of the prime suspects.  This guy's performance will stay with you long after the movie is over--and I can guarantee you that after watching this movie you will never listen to the Donovan song "Hurdy Gurdy Man" the same way again.  Trust me on that one.  ****

5) The Prestige--this is the 2nd of this week's films about magicians.  This one concerns a rivalry between two magicians around the early 1900's and how it ends up consuming each man and all of those around them.  Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale (rapidly becoming one of our favorite actors--excellent here) play the rivals who live to out do the other...no matter what the cost.  Much like the earlier reviewed "Illusionist", this features an excellent ending that will catch you by surprise.  Both men are ably supported by the always dependable Michael Caine...good as usual.   All that plus a supporting role by Scarlett Johansson, who might be the best looking woman in movies right now, make this a good film--although I might have enjoyed The Illusionist a little bit more.  ***3/4

Later,
Jeff