1/16/05--First, the philosphical crap

So the other day, I was having an interesting conversation with a friend.  (Oh puh-leeze dear friends...you know me better than that--no names of course)  This person is in a rather delicate personal situation.  They're married, but not really.  Their in the middle of a seperation, one that their spouse wants...not them.  And of course, there are children involved, which always makes it even more complicated.  The problem is that their spouse can't decide...for lack of a more tasteful way of putting it, whether to shit or get off the pot.  This person really loves their spouse (obviously), but is frustrated by what is perceived as the proverbial "hamster on a wheel" syndrome--spinning round and round, all the while really going nowhere.

So I went deep into the recesses of my marital counseling skills (oh c'mon--what subject would I know better than problems in a marriage??  I mean, really!) and asked them a question that I always felt worked in this situation.  It goes like this:
Many years ago, I was watching a movie starring the great James Stewart called "Shenandoah".  There's a terrific scene where a young man comes to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage.  And Stewart asks:

"Let me ask you a question.  Do you LIKE her?"
"Well of course I love her...I want to marry her."
"I didn't ask you that...I said....do you LIKE her?"
"I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Well you see, when I married her mother...I didn't really LOVE her.  I liked her a lot.  And over time, I grew to love her.  But first, I LIKED her.  So, do you like her?"

You get the general idea.  So I asked this friend of mine about their spouse.
Do you like them?  I hope it gave them food for thought.

Because while I was talking to them, I was thinking of those last dark days with the former Mrs Me # 2 (not to be confused with the former Mrs Me # 1, who we discussed last week.  Try and keep up people!).  I had been truly miserable for almost a year, and since I was the one who was doing most of the work to keep the marriage going (and I realize that's strictly my own opinion) you could safely say that it wasn't the most love filled household on the block.  As laughable as it may be to say, I really was sticking around because of the dog--maybe I was trying to figure out a way to leave and take her with me.  One valuable lesson was learned.  Always have an escape route!  (I say that only slightly sarcastically)  Anyway, here I was trying to come up with a reason to leave, and complications of some sort kept coming up.  Her father became very ill (sadly, he would eventually die of cancer), and then there was the matter of his will and his estate, which were an absolute mess.  I kept thinking that if I left her now, no matter how desperate I was to get out, that I would feel like a total heel.  Now, as some of you may know, there was this other problem that I was in the middle of....but, let's just say that discretion perhaps prevents me from discussing it now.  Anyway, so things are taking a real dumper in her life, I'm miserable and trying to get advice on what I should do, when we came to the episode I like to delicately call....."the Mr. Bunny episode".

We had, or I should say.....SHE HAD recently acquired a rabbit.  A more useless animal I have never seen.  Now I know why they make furs out of their coats, because they just sit there like a lump of shit.  Worthless.  So we've had this thing for a couple of weeks, and we would put it into a room and close the door so that our cats wouldn't mess with it.  Except, when we got home we would find that the damn thing had eaten just about anything that was located on or near the floor--which included any books that might be on a bookcase on the bottom shelf.  UGH!
Well needless to say, this was causing me a touch of consternation, so we eventually started leaving the rabbit in the guest bathroom--figuring that he couldn't get into much trouble there, ya know?  So (hold onto your hats)....one day, we get home from work....she lets the rabbit out to---ah hell, do whatever rabbits do when their not sitting there doing nothing---and I decided to, ya know....make a pitstop in the guest bathroom (don't ya love reading about this stuff??  Its so compelling!).  So, I'm in there.....well.....sitting down....and there's a knock on the door.  It was then, that I heard my lovely bride speak to me....with what would later become one of the defining moments of our marriage.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Um...what do you THINK I'm doing." I replied.
"I know what your doing...I mean why are you doing it in there?"
"Um...because its a BATHROOM."
"No, I mean why are you in Mr. Bunny's room."

I swear to God.  That's how far I had fallen.  I was now in the fucking BUNNY'S room.  I realized pretty much which step of the ladder I was now on in that condo.
I mean, it was one thing for me to be less important to her than the dog--I mean, I loved the dog too (that was one great dog).  I realized that I was probably on about an even keel with the two cats, which didn't make me happy, but at least they weren't ABOVE me.  But I will be DAMNED if I was going to be below a rabbit.
I suddenly had a craving for rabbit stew.
And then I recalled a conversation with my brother (wise sage that he be), who once had told me:

"When the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving.....you will leave."

And I knew it was time to leave.  Unfortunately, I didn't have a lot of times to make my escape because of other complications--but it was time to leave.  One of my neighbors told me that the day I left, I was going to be driving out of the parking lot of our condo with all my stuff, and I was going to hit the main road, and probably take the sweetest breath I had taken in over 5 years--the breath of freedom.

And so, looking back....I realized that when I married her, old Mrs Me # 2, that I really did love her very much.
I just didn't like her.  And it took me 6 years to realize it.

Later,
Jeff