Ya know...sometimes, this shit writes itself. Take tonight for example. I get home late from work, and the wife--huge surprise--asks if I feel like going out for dinner.
Remember that old joke? What's your wife make for dinner? RESERVATIONS!
Anyway, we go out to that ultra-ritzy, 5 star restaurant "Wings & Things". High class living...that's us. So we go in, to get the cholestral special of the day, and has we're digging into all things horrible for your health, a family of about 7 or 8 come in.
Now, what's funny right away is that....its a mom & dad, one son, and like 4 daughters....the girls are between the ages of 10 & 13. And shiver me timbers, the girls are giddy looking at......ANDY! I can safely say, this was a first. And the whole brood ends up at the table right next to ours (naturally). Well, the whole thing with the young girls takes a back seat as we listen (unavoidably), to the incredibly insipid and aggravating conversation between the mom & dad. The waitress comes over (let's remember: we're at a WINGS joint)....and the mom asks:
"Do the drinks come with our dinner?"
(What? You think your at a Morrison's here lady?)
Then, the husband tries to order wings, and is trying to order them plain.
"I want them mild."
"You mean the mild sauce?"
"No...ya know....dry."
"You mean plain?"
"That's what I said."
The actual ordering of the meal, no lie....took 15 minutes. It was like listening to an Abbott & Costello routine. I told Kim--this waitress better get a good tip.
So then we leave the restaurant...and we walk past the front window...right where the family is sitting. As I walk by, I turn and notice that all the young girls are burning a hole right through.....ANDY.....with huge smiles on their faces.
"Andy.." I said, "If I'm not mistaken....those young ladies are getting a look at your....bootay.!"
This of course, horrified Kellie, as the thought that ANY girl would find her brother in any way attractive had her gagging....totally.
So today, at work, I had a rather unpleasant run-in with the former Mrs. Me # 1.
I made the horrible mistake--how could I?--of wishing her a Happy New Year.
You woulda thought I told her that she had toilet paper hanging out of her ass for the look I got. So, at the time, I happened to be chatting with a mutual acquaintence, who I'm sure would rather remain "nameless" (let's call him "Deep Throat"). So she sees Deep talking with me...walks over and starts chatting it up with him, while ignoring me like I'm a zit on the end of her nose that she'd rather not think of.
Well, in the immortal words of Glenn Close....from Fatal Attraction.....
"You don't think.....that I will stand for.....being IGNORED.....do you????"
So, in her honor....I proudly (well, not if my parents are reading this...but otherwise I'm proud)......present a lovely STORY FROM THE FORMER MRS ME # 1.
It was the early months of 1984, and the former was ripe with child--the one from the assistant manager at K-Mart...but I digress---and I had been invited over for the very first dinner with her family.
Family. Hmm......."family" in the way that a pack of wolves is a "family".
So I get to meet her mother (on husband #4 or #8--depending on which way you chose to look at it) and her stepfather (one front tooth---5'1" and 300lbs and looking GOOD for the ladies), her older brother (the religious nut who always walked around in suits in hope that one day he would become a minister), her younger brother (15 years old and already having unprotected sex with the girl across the street) , her younger sister (the only NORMAL one--including my future wife by the way--in the family. I felt so bad for her) & her younger stepbrother (slowly developing a twitch from having been slapped around by her mom so much).
It was a good looking clan....sorta like the family from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
So after dinner, the stepfather and I are sitting at the table....and he's eyeing me.
"So, uh.....lemme ask ya something. Why exactly are you dating my daughter?"
"Excuse me?"
"Ya know....she's 6 months pregnant. Why you dating her?"
"Well, obviously not for sex."
True story.
Later,
Jeff
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