9/12/04--Interesting weekend

Hmm....well this has been an interesting weekend, to say the very least.  As I predicted earlier in the week, Uncle Ivan the hurricane decided to head to the west where he will no doubt be causing grief to the Mexicans along the Yucatan.  So much for all the work we did at the office on Friday, after our "emergency meeting" in the morning....before we left, we all had to throw plastic wrap around our computers and desks, which were then held down "securely" with masking tape. 
I found myself trying to imagine just what the plastic wrap and masking tape was going to do if confronted with a blown out window and 160 mph winds.  Hmmm....my money would be on the winds, but hey, maybe I'm wrong.

We had sort of an up and down weekend at home....on Saturday morning, I had one of those long talks with Kellie about something that I heard at work.  It had hit a little too close to home for my liking.  Someone had told me about a defendant that was in magistrates who was charged with a sexual act on a minor.  Apparently, this girl had started talking to this guy in a chatroom, and the usual lies were told by both of them apparently.  The girl claimed to be 15, and the guy 25.  They ended up meeting at the Barnes & Noble about 2 blocks from my house, and doing the whole makeout session in the backseat.  They met at the same location a week later, and the guy took the girl to an apartment, where thank God he didn't rape her, but he did some....hmm....shall we say "inappropriate" things with her.  What was scary was that the girl lived 2 streets over from us and was, in reality, 12 yrs old (the same age as Kellie).  I tried to explain to Kellie, not too necessarily scare her, that this was one of the reasons that we monitor what she does on a computer.  That this guy (who was actually almost 30) could meet a teenager in a chatroom is a pretty scary thing.
So last night, I decide to hook up with RPM and go to the Van Halen concert.  Now, anyone who knows RPM knows that he still has the first quarter he ever made and so naturally he hadn't purchased tickets yet.  He was planning, as always, to do the old scalp routine---which is basically what he does for every concert.  Face value?  What?  Are you out of your mind???  So we're out front, and unfortunately for us there's also about another 20 people all of whom are trying to snag tickets also.  Now RPM,who wouldn't dream of paying face value (did I mention this?) begins to immediately undercut every offer we're presented with by at least 50%.
The closest we got was a guy who offered us two tickets for $80 (which is below face--but not by much).  So RPM says..."how about two for $40?"  Well naturally the guy isn't going to take that....and almost out of spite walks over to the first person he sees and promptly sells them the tickets for $60.  UGH.  So anyway, the bottomline is that we do NOT get into the concert, which is kind of a drag because I really did want to see them....but it was a learning experience.  RPM swore that he had never not been able to get tickets, and was almost incredulous at his inability to do so.  So I get home, and as I walk through the door, Kim hits me with the bad news.  She had gotten a phone call from one of Kellie's teachers, informing her that Kellie had failed to turn in an assignment.  When the teacher asked Kellie why she hadn't done the assignment, Kellie told her it was because she had lost the book.
Naturally, she hadn't bother to tell us about the conversation or the lost book.  She hadn't bothered to tell us as we took her to the football game on Friday night and watched her hang out with all her little cheerleader girlfriends.  She hadn't mentioned it before she played in the pool all day on Saturday.  And boy does that get me steamed.  To me...that's like lieing---and I tell the kids that there is no offense worse in our house than lieing.  It hits at the very crux of all the things we try and teach the kids.  Dishonesty is the ultimate insult to us as parents.  So Kim says that she has already told Kellie that she has taken away her phone priviledges for 3 days and I then added 3 days of no television and no computer.  Well, to say that the additions weren't to her liking would be quite the understatement.  She leaves for her bedroom in a mild huff, and I hear her telling her mother how boring the next couple of days are going to be.
"You know what's killing her," Kim says, "its the no t.v. thing."
"Well of course it is," I said, "that's why I did it.  Maybe now she'll learn a lesson."
So when she comes out to say goodnight she is being quite the little snit, and I remind her of the age old adage--provided to us by....ahem....Mr. Michael Brady.
"Never go to bed angry."
And I remind her that her mom andI have never gone to bed angry at one another.
(And I can't believe I've found a woman who is capable of doing that with me as her husband, but hey--you get lucky, ya know?)  So she goes to bed, still snooty, and this morning she gets up and begins to give me the old "silent treatment".  Now mind you, I also had mentioned to her last evening just how much I hated that, since the lovely former Mrs. Me # 2 was an accomplished master at that tactic.  So we're driving to church in silence, and we get home...more silence.  And I'm really starting to get pissed.  I tell Kim that I was thinking of ADDING days onto her "no t.v." sentence.  So then, much later in the afternoon as I'm cooking dinner on the barbie, she suddenly begins waving hello to me.  Oh boy....here we go.
"Oh, I'm sorry....is that your little way of letting me know that your now ready to talk to me?  Well guess what?  Now I'M not ready to talk to you!  I told you last night that I you shouldn't go to bed mad, and let it stew....but you did and it happened.  And guess what?  It happened to me also and now I'm mad too.  So now you have to wait until I get over it."
The great part was when I walked into the living room and the dreaded Hank the father-in-law asked me if I was yelling at one of the dogs (??--how in God's name did he come up with that based on that conversation?).  I told him, no...I was yelling at his granddaughter.  The look on his face was priceless.
So then, later in the day, I called Kellie into the living room and had another talk with her.  I told her that I had lived with the silent treatment from someone else named Kelly for almost 9 years---and that I wasn't about to start that again.  I told her that I was thinking about ADDING to her punishment, but that if I did that I would've been doing it just to be spiteful, and that wasn't the right thing to do.  So I told her that I was going to reinstate her t.v. priviledges a day early (what a guy, huh?  I'm a regular Ward Cleaver!)  Well, at least tonight I got a kiss good night from my daughter.

And what a great sports weekend for yours truly!!!  First of all, my Irish, rising like the proverbial Phoenix from the ashes, put the proverbial ass whoopin  on (to quote Jim Mandich)  MEEEEEEEEEECHIGAN.  Oh Lord, was this one sweet.  If N.D. could beat Michigan, Boston College & USC every year, I might be able to accept the occasional losing season.  Remember the name---Darius Walker.  His first game as a member of the Fighting Irish and he goes for 115 yds.  My oh my!
Then, today...its the Vikings just slapping the Cowboys from pillar to post.  Duante throws for FIVE touchdown passes, and thank God I have him as my QB on my fantasy team this year instead of Rich Gannon--yeah, that's a slight upgrade.  And then there was the sight of Keyshawn, despite an admireable effort, getting bounced on his head after one hit in the secondary.  Man, it doesn't get much better than that.
Anytime you can beat the Cowboys, and cause consternation to Jerry Jones--owner of the single worst looking wig in sports--its a good day.

Later,
jeff

9/10/04

Its one of the moments that every parent waits for.  Your child's big moment in the spotlight.  If your child is a big sports star, it might be the time they score a touchdown or hit a homerun.  If they're a cheerleader, it might be the time they have their big routine in front of an audience.  Of course, if your kid is in BAND, its the first time they play at a football game....opening game....first game o' the season.
The football team has been practicing until their honed to a fine edge....the band has been practicing until the instruments seem to flow as one with their hands....all are ready for the debut performance.
So my son Andy is not "technically" in the marching band.  He's one of the guys who's in the band who gets to drag the giant drum around the field.  It reminds me of one of my favorite Woody Allen movies---Take the Money and Run.  There's a great scene early in the movie where Woody is recalling his troubled youth and you see the Woodman playing lst chair--in the marching band.  And you see the band parading down main street during some holiday, and there's Woody....trying to catch up while holding his cello and dragging a chair along with him.  He stops...plays a few notes, then runs to the front of the line and sits his chair down again.  Really funny stuff.  Anyway, back to Andy Poe-Bowdren (or, as I call him..."A.P.B.").
So he makes his first appearence on the field at the beginning of the game, playing the Star Spangled Banner and does a nice job nailing the big cymbals together.
Then its halftime, of what was a pretty decent game, and its time for the marching band's big show.  So as the members of the MARCHING BAND parade out to the middle of the field--using military like precision, Andy and a few other kids are walking into the stadium dragging the giant drum and the xylophone, among other things.  And A.P.B. puts his drum where it needs to go, looks back and sees a young girl having some trouble rolling the giant gong onto the sidelines.  So, being the gentleman that I taught him to be (?!!?), he runs over and basically takes over for her.  The girl is obviously thankful and starts heading over to whatever her particular instrument is....and ole APB keeps rolling the gong.  And then.....it happens........
The string holding the gong onto its base snaps, and the gong crashes to the ground.
Only...it doesn't just crash to the ground....I mean....it CRASHES TO THE GROUND.  There's this echo that reverbarates seemingly over the entire campus.
And APB has this look of blind panic on his face....the old...."what the fuck do I do now??"  I'm telling ya, if I had a camcorder, I coulda won a million bucks with this video.  And at that very moment...after we were done being mortified for APB, Kim and I look at one another.....and just break out laughing.
"I'm so proud right now," I said.
And, since of course one of my favorite hobbies is giving my children crap....I go down to the fence at the end of the halftime show as the band is walking off the field.
APB is walking past me and sort of nervously glances over....
"Hey!  Try not to drop the gong this time," I said "supportively".
"The string broke!  It wasn't my fault."

And at the end of the night, I told APB that he had done a good job....and that I noticed just how fast the girl he had helped had bailed out the minute that string broke.....and yet I couldn't help but wonder just how perfect it would've been to have had the band break into the old T-Rex song "Bang a Gong" the minute that the string broke......man, sometimes parenting can be big fun.  And the best part is, that Andy is usually no fun giving crap too, because he usually never lets anything bother him.  Now his sister on the other hand, she begins marching band NEXT year....and she lets just about EVERYTHING I do bother her.....OMAN.  Big fun!!

Later,
jeff

9/7/04 Hurricane Ivan is NOT coming towards us!!

So everyone I know is absolutely convinced that Hurricane Ivan is heading right for us, sure to bring us more doom & gloom.  This despite the fact that Ivan is currently slightly to the north of Antartica and is making a beeline for the Yucatan Pennisula.
Frances has turned everyone in this state into a hurricanephobe (I'd like to receive credit for making that word up). 
So last night we had something fun happen.  I was out to dinner with the wife & the daughter, and we went to Landlubbers for some so-so chicken wings.  Well, there's about a 5 minute wait for a table, and right next store is the Puppy Store or some such nonsense and I ask Kellie if she wants to go look at the dogs (I mean, c'mon people---who goes to a petstore to look at CATS?)....anyway, there right in the window is a beautiful Australian Shepherd female, and I was telling Kellie that it was just like the dog I used to have before I had met her mom (back in the day when I was still with the former Mrs. Me # 2).  After dinner, Kellie & I are egging the wife on about how much we want ANOTHER dog--that would make three by the way-- and Kim is tell me that puppies only chew things.
"Ya mean like Beezer does now anyway?"
Then she mentions that puppies have "accidents" on the carpet.
"I'll clean it up," Kellie volunteers.
"You don't even keep your own room clean," Kim points out, "now you're going to go around cleaning up dog poop?"
Kellie offers instead to cough up some of her cold, hard cash.
So now we're in the car, going to pick up Andy.  I tell Kellie that what we REALLY need to do is to come up with a good  name for the dog--since everyone should understand just how important a good name is.  So I throw out a couple of good choices, which are rejected....and Kellie throws out some really lousy suggestions
("Fluffy" or some crap like that)....and I tell her that what we really need is a great name for an AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD.
Hint time---who knows what women are called in Australia?  Anyone??

And then Kellie leans forward and says..."hey, how about the name SHEILA?"
(The call women down under "sheilas" half-wit)

So now there's this moment of slightly uncomfortable silence and finally I glanced over at Kim next to me.

"It ain't gonna happen."

Damn, thwarted again.  Do you not realize how perfect that name would be for me?

SPORTS ALERT!!  lST ANNUAL NFL PREDICTIONS!!
Yes sports fans (both of you), its time for you to take advantage of the opportunity to make tons and tons of $$$$ by listening to my advice on just how the NFL should shake out this season.  Ignore me at your own peril.......
AFC EAST:
1) New England 12-4
2) Buffalo 8-8
3) NY Jets 7-9
4) Miami 5-11 (oh, what...your surprised?  Puh-leeze...what a collection of stiffs!)
AFC NORTH:
1) Baltimore 10-6
2) Pittsburgh 8-8
3) Cincinnati 7-9 (might be better than last year--but their schedule is tougher)
4) Cleveland 6-10
AFC SOUTH:
1) Indianapolis 12-4
2) Tennessee 11-5
3) Jacksonville 7-9
4) Houston 6-10 (starting to build a team for the future though)
AFC WEST:
1) Denver 10-6
2) Kansas City 10-6
3) Oakland 4-12
4) San Diego 3-13

NFC EAST:
1) Philadelphia 13-3
2) Dallas 8-8
3) Washington 7-9
4) NY Giants 5-11
NFC NORTH:
1) Minnesota 11-5
2) Green Bay 9-7
3) Detroit 7-9
4) Chicago 5-11
NFC SOUTH:
1) Carolina 10-6 (tougher schedule means worse record--still a strong team though)
2) Atlanta 9-7
3) New Orleans 9-7
4) Tampa Bay 6-10 (lost a ton of talent on defense)
NFC WEST:
1) Seattle 11-5
2) St Louis 8-8
3) Arizona 6-10 (Denny Green--good coach, total egomaniac)
4) San Francisco 4-12

In the playoffs, in the AFC I see New England, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Tennessee, Denver & Kansas City.
In the NFC, in the playoffs, I like Philadelphia, Minnesota, Green Bay, Carolina, Atlanta, New Orleans & Seattle.

In the AFC title game---Indianapolis over Tennesee
In the NFC title game---Philadelphia over Minnesota

Super Bowl?  Indianapolis over Philadelphia

Call Cesar's Palace...call the Bellagio....call...ah, screw it...call Morty the bookie.

Later,
Jeff

 

 

 

9/6/04---Thank God for air conditioning

First of all.....Everything is going okay, the family is good....Frances is currently heading north to see my brother in the panhandle.  Now that I've said that....I have never been so hot and miserable as I was this morning when I got up.  It wasn't just hot and muggy....it was HOT AND MUGGY and...STIFLING.  I mean, you sit down and you just start sweating.  It was disgusting.  Last night, with no electricity and with (needless to say) NO AIR CONDITIONING I slept on the couch in the living room.  I had opened every window in the house, and Kim slept on the floor in our bedroom in front of the sliding doors.  I had turned the couch around, so that I was facing the window, just praying that I would get a breeze.  So the lights go off, I'm laying there....and NOTHING.  And I can feel myself starting to sweat.   And the first thing I'm thinking is just how bad me & this damn couch are going to smell in the morning.  And as I lay there with my eyes closed....I thought...."Lord, just give me a breeze maybe ever 10 seconds or so---that's all I'm asking for here".  And no lie...this wonderful breeze came through the window and it felt great.  And then the wind was still again for about a minute.  And I started to sweat again.  I used up a lot of prayers on cool breezes.
Our front yard looks like a total mess.  Our wild orchid tree in the front yard started to go on Saturday afternoon and by the nightime we had an extremely large plant laying on its side by the road.  Guess who gets to call the insurance company tomorrow?
Oh yeah, and Notre Dame got their ass kicked by the friggin Mormons!  UGH!
Overall, not a great weekend....which isn't easy to do when you've basically had a 5 day weekend.
Did I mention that I missed the air conditioning?

Later,
Jeff

9/4/04--Lighten up Francis

Do you have any idea how freakin annoying it is to have written about a page and a half in your BLOG and have the power go out?  Before you saved it???  
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
So, I'm going to be a gentleman here and try and proceed---if it happens again, that's it...I'm done for now!

The damn storm can't decide if it wants to shit or get off the pot.  Its "lingering".  UGH.  It appears that every person in my family is going to be affected by this thing though....I'm here in western Ft Lauderdale at Casa De Bowdren bunkered down.
My parents in Orlando have headed to a shelter.  My sister in Jacksonville is going to hope that she doesn't have to leave her home, and my brother in Ft Walton Bch in the panhandle is standing by waiting to come down and help any of us who need it
(its good to have a contractor in the family)....but WHOOPS!  The latest projections say the damn thing might cross Florida, head out into the Gulf of Mexico...and head his way!!  Talk about changing your travel plans!

SPORTS ALERT!!  SPORTS ALERT!!  ABANDON ALL HOPE YEE WHO ENTER!!

Okay, so today is the first REAL day of college football.  My beloved Fighting Irish have traveled to Provo, Utah, (currently NOT under a threat from Hurricane Frances--but give it time) and will do battle with the Fighting Mormons from BYU this evening.  My prediction for the game is that the hurricane will wait until right around kickoff to disrupt my satellite, and I won't be able to watch the game.  Trust me....its fate.  "Cruel fate, why do you mock me?"
Should be some interesting games to watch...some blowouts, some upsets...the usual.  The hurricane is playing havoc with scheduling, as a lot of games here in Florida have had to be rescheduled, including the long awaited rematch between Miami & FSU, and I'm sure the Noles will give them a great game....and then the kicker will blow the field goal at the end.  Hey, it happens every year.  Don't blame me.  I was going to do a review of the Irish, but I already started that once, and the damn power went out....let's just say, I'm going to hope for a 7-4 season.  Anything less than that and the heat will be on Ty Willingham even worse than it is now.
Remember that this is Ty's 3rd season in South Bend, and that's very important to followers of the Irish.  Every great coach--Rockne, Leahy, Ara P., Devine & Holtz has won a national title in his 3rd year.  That doesn't mean I'm expecting that from Ty--I just dont' wanna see us get our asses handed too us by 30 points again.  The list of coaches who did NOT win a national title in South Bend their 3rd season is, uh, slightly less prestigious than the other one.  Let's hope for a nice win tonight in Provo....because otherwise, I'm going to be one grumpy BLOG writer.

Later,
jeff

9/3/04--Hurricane Frances looms

Well, we've officially got our house all secure and bunkered up.  I can't say its "boarded" up...cause we got metal shutters!  In what can only be described as fortuitous thinking, the guy that built the house decided to install the brackets for hurricane shutters.  While our neighbors were outside yesterday cursing and yelling (Who?  Me??), it took us about an hour and a half to 2 hours to slap up the shutters and spin the damn wingnuts that tightened them.
I want it to go north, except if it goes north then it heads towards my parents or my sister.  So I'll say that I hope it goes north and then heads out to sea.

I decided to do a column early because, as I sat thinking this morning, I thought to myself that God forbid anything should happen to me or my house--my poor readers wouldn't know the result of my # 1 movie of alltime!!!  I couldn't live with myself if I kept you hanging like that, now could I?

SPORTS ALERT!!  Ladies, look away---quickly!!
I have had some requests for my "annual" football selections....I won't mention the name of the person who's been "nagging" me (cough--WILEY--cough), but he's right...how can any of you properly make your entirely legal wagers in Vegas without my selections?  How selfish of me!  Let's take a look at college football, with one man's personal top 10.  Let's try and remember....that the top 10 teams doesn't necessarily mean the best 10 teams.  Away we go:
10) Utah--pretty easy schedule, Urban Meyer is a whitehot coaching candidate for a big school that's looking (hello Notre Dame!) and he runs a wide open offense.
  9) Auburn--tons of talent including two guys who could be all-conference at RB, a veteran QB...as long as the administration leaves Tommy Tuberville alone this year they could sneak into the top 10.  Lots of talented teams in the SEC this year.
  8) FSU--talented?  Oh, of course.  Will Bobby B pull at least one rabbit out of his hat again this year?  Of course.  Why only # 8 and not higher?  Well....let's remember...they have to play the Hurricanes AGAIN (its getting to be a mental thing for Noles players) and there's always the Chris Rix factor.  Until he proves me wrong (and he has the talent to do so), I'll keep waiting for Rix to screw up again.
  7) Michigan--I hate Lloyd Carr.  He's a cranky, whining piece of crap.  But, his team wins at least 9 games seemingly every year and plays in a big bowl game.  You have to (reluctantly) give him credit for that.  The maize & blue have to replace a 4 yr starter at QB and an all-american at RB though.
  6) West Virginia--what??  The stinking hillbillies from Morgantown this high?  What's the matter Jeff....hitting the pipe again?  Nope...its like I said.  The top 10 teams won't necessarily mean the BEST 10 teams.  The 'neers have a ridiculously soft schedule without Miami & Va Tech (toughest game all year is vs. Maryland)
and will be this year's annual embarassing team that sneaks into the BCS.
  5) Miami--much like the Noles, so much will depend on their returning QB.  If Brock Berlin has the lights go on, they could really be a player in the BCS this year.
On the other hand, if he plays in the same fog he did last year, the hook could come early this year from coach Larry Coker.  They will probably find the ACC just a tad
stronger than the Big Least.
  4) Texas--isn't this song and dance getting old?  The 'horns will most likely go
10-1, losing (of course) to Oklahoma, then go and play a terrific bowl game, end up being either # 2 or 3 in the recruiting rankings, and keep doing this seemingly for the rest of time immortal.
  3) USC--they probably have more talent than anyone in the country, and Pete Carroll is a perfect example of the right coach getting the right job, but they have lost a LOT of people since last year that they were expecting to have this year.  Mike Williams and Whitney Lewis were supposed to be their starting WR's....OT Winston Justice got himself in trouble off the field and is suspended for the whole season...RB
Herschel Dennis is facing a sexual assault allegation and is suspended indefinitely.
That's a lot of talent to lose before the season starts.  However, that being said....there is just insane depth here and there schedule is weak.
  2) Georgia--Lots of senior leadership with QB David Greene & DE David Pollack
going for an SEC title and the big kahuna itself, that being the national title.  Usually that much veteran leadership plus great talent and a great young head coach (Mark Richt) usually means big things.  Loss of starting RB Kregg Lumpkin will hurt, but they have a ton of talent at the position and watch out for freshman RB Danny Ware to make an early impact.
  1) Oklahoma--returning Heisman winner, tons of talent, great coach....and a lot of pissed off players with something to prove equals=my choice for national champion.
Lots of guys who feel like they've got something to prove.

HELLO----LADIES!!! OVER HERE!! Yeah...right here!!  That's it...no more sports talk for right now......
Let me finish up for now with my final top 10 listing (for those of you waiting breathlessly no doubt).....
10) The Shawshank Redemption
  9) Rear Window
  8) Outlaw Josey Wales
  7) Godfather 1 & 2
  6) Lord of the Rings trilogy
  5) Unforgiven
  4) Jaws
  3) The Deerhunter
  2) Road Warrior
and finally....after weeks of waiting...I offer to you...my choice...my own personal opinion if you will....as my number one favorite movie of alltime.....
  1) Blade Runner--from 1982, director Ridley Scott's amazing vision of what our future will look like in 40 years, in the year 2019.  Harrison Ford is Deckard, a burned-out (aren't they always?) cop in Los Angeles who specializes in the termination of "replicants", which is basically a new way of saying robots.  This is the story that "I, Robot" would like to be.  Technically, its absolutely stunning.  The visuals of the director's imagining of what L.A. will look like 40 years in the future is dazzling.  A superior cast, led by Ford, Sean Young, Edward James Olmos, Darryl
Hannah (there's that name again!) and others is terrific.  But the heart of the film, the actor and the character who truly reaches out through the screen of your television and captures you is Rutger Hauer, never this great before or since (although he was truly creepy in The Hitcher), as replicant Roy Batty, trying desperately to avoid his termination date and the end of his life....and all the while trying to find out just what in the world it means to be human.  This is true science fiction and its an amazing film to watch.  There are however, two versions.  One has the rather dull Harrison Ford narration (I guess the studio felt that audiences wouldn't "get" some of the allegories offered in the film and had to have it explained to them) and the other is without narration.  The latter is the one to try and watch.  Two scenes in particular to look out for:  the first involves Harrison Ford & Sean Young--with a slow saxophone solo in the background.  Its assexy and erotic a scene as you'll ever see.  The other is the more famous scene, involving Ford & Hauer on a rooftop....both men fighting for their right to live, but in totally different ways.  Hauer's speech is absolutely epic.
A visual wonderland.....and a great story to boot.   *****

Later,
jeff

PS....I'll try and throw my Notre Dame preview up before tomorrow night's game, including offering my reasons why I did not have them on my top 10 list.  (ya know, besides the fact that there not that good.)

9/1/04--I've Been Sick as a Dog!!

Ya know how you....hmmm....how you know your own body?  Okay perverts, that's not what I mean (well, at least not THIS time)....I mean how, do you know when you're about to get sick?  Man, I know every single time.  Monday morning I was sitting at my desk, getting ready to go to court and all of a sudden it started to hit me.  I went into court, we went to trial, and during the middle of jury selection I started having a massive coughing fit (the judge thought I was about to buy the farm). It got worse and worse during the day, and when I got home, I told Kim that there was like ZERO chance that I would be going to the "open house" night at the kids school.  I mean, c'mon...on my best day those things are torture to go too.  If I'm sick, I'd be looking for a gun to put myself out of my misery!  Anyway, luckily Kim made the decision that we weren't going to go (man, I love that woman!).  Then I got basically zero sleep on Monday night//Tuesday morning....called in sick and was pretty much miserable the whole day.  Last night I felt a little better, but knowing that Wednesday is one of the slower days of the week, and that Thursday is usually a madhouse, I decided to take one more day off.  Finally started to feel close to returning to normal around early afternoon.  Fortunately for you, my loyal and beloved readers....I made the most of my time off by watching some movies and having reviews for you!!  Am I just the host with the most....or what?  I mean, c'mon I'm suffering here for my art!  (well, sorta)
And how about this God forsaken hurricane???  Geez, louise...what does the man upstairs have against the people of Florida?  A couple of weeks ago he wacks the SW coast of the state, and now this monster storm is off the eastern coast trying to decide what the heck it wants to do.  Which means.....yep, being a government employee...I'm off again tomorrow!  Hurricane day!  By the way, I should mention that even in the throes of my misery yesterday....by God I went out and voted!!  I sure hope all of you did also!  Anyway, hopefully this storm (Frances?  what sort of name is that for a storm?) will turn north and go out to sea again and leave Florida alone for awhile....we got wounds that need to heal here people!  Anyway, just in case, I may be putting up storm shutters and all that shit tomorrow.  And if there is one thing that better not happen....this damn storm had better not interfere with me being able to watch some college football this weekend!  If there's one thing I hate, its being inconvienced!  (Ya know?)

So anyway....like I said.....I got to watch some movies over the last couple of days:
1) From Hell:  I've had this DVD for ever, and I finally got around to watching the damn thing.  Man, does that Johnny Depp make some good movies.  I've heard his last one..."Secret Window" or something is kinda crappy, but man....everything else this guy does is at least INTERESTING.  This one is a retelling of the Jack the Ripper legend, with Depp as an inspector assigned to the case, being ably assisted by Robbie Coltrane, Ian Holm and Heather Graham, as the only whore in London during the late 1800's with all her teeth.  I will say this for the movie.  It doesn't glamourize prostitution.  Depp's character is also ably assisted by a nasty opium habit which causes him to see "visions" of the killer and his victims.  That opium is some kinda nasty shit....look what it did to Chris Walken in The Deerhunter.  You chase the dragon...and bad things happen.  Anyway, this is a really good movie.  Not great mind you, but really good.  A tad on the gory side, and I certainly wouldn't recommend letting junior sit down and watch it with you, but there are a lot worse ways to kill 2 hours.  ***3/4
2) War of the Worlds---so I'm flipping the channels last night, and I happen upon this old classic from the 50's, starring Gene Barry, who some of you may remember as Bat Masterson from t.v. (any of you?  What about you?  Oh, c'mon people!!  Am I that freakin old??)  Anyway, this is great cheezy 50's cinema at its best.  There are tons of allegories here about the U.S. and communists and stuff....but just sit back and enjoy Gene and the army try and figure out how to save Los Angeles!!  ***
3) Starsky & Hutch--okay, here's a guilty pleasure admission.  When I was in middle school and into high school, this was one of my favorite t.v. shows.  Stupid?  Oh God, of course it was.  But it was fun, in a slightly brutal way....and there wasn't a kid in high school who didn't dream about owning that badass Gran Torino.  The remake stars Ben Stiller & Owen Wilson and they play the remake for laughs.  In this one, Starsky is a total tightass, by the book cop, and Hutch is a 70's slacker, barely walking that fine line between being a police officer and breaking the law thru sheer laziness.  It makes for a cute setup, as Stiller in particular has nailed some of Paul Michael Glaser's old mannerisms as Starsky.  Fred the Hammer Williamson plays Capt Doby in the role originated by.....anybody?  Anyone remember??  The great Bernie Hamilton ladies and gentlemen!!  Thank you, thank you very much.
Antonio Fargas as Huggy Bear has been replaced by Snoop Dogg, who has made the character more empowered than the original's sniveling informant.  (There's a very funny sight gag in the movie involving Huggy's pet iguana--I'll leave it at that)
Overall, I liked the movie, as I thought it was a playful homage to the 70's.  I say this while admitting that I have never watched one of those God forsaken Charlie's Angels movies.....some things just shouldn't be tampered with!  ***1/2
4) Kill Bill, Volume 2---so the first movie in this series was all about the action, with some of the greatest kickass fight scenes in movie history.  This one, the concluding chapter, is more about the storyline, as it tells the complete history of "The Bride", played by (never thought I'd say this one people)....the great Uma Thurman.  This one is the equal of Volume 1, and for totally different reasons.  It makes for a satisfying conclusion, as a lot of the questions posed in the first movie are answered.
What's also great is the way that Quentin Tarantino pulls amazing performances out of people that you would least expect it out of.  David Carradine?  Hey, a quirky guy--but am I shocked that he does a great job?  No.  Michael Madsen?  This was the guy who cut off the cops ear in Reservior Dogs.  Am I shocked that he does a great job as Carradine's sleazy hitman brother?  Nope.  Darryl Hannah?  Am I shocked that she absolutely kicks ass as a one-eyed assassin who has one of the alltime great fight scenes with Uma Thurman?  Well, uh.....okay....yeah, I was shocked at that one.  I mean---C'MON PEOPLE!!  Darryl Hannah?  When the hell was the last time she was any good in a fucking movie?????   Darryl Hannah???
Holy crap!  Tarantino must be some kind of a miracle worker, cuz Darryl Hannah is great in this role.  And I loved some of the veteran character actors that Q.T. has working in this movie include Samuel L Jackson, Bo Svenson (no shit!  Bo Svenson!
Good Lord--where in the hell has he been at lately?) & Michael Parks (remember "Then Came Bronson"?)  This and the first volume are more than just kung-fu movies...you're really doing yourself a disservice if you're avoiding them because you think that.  ****1/4
5)  Predator--You know...one of the things I enjoy as a new parent is introducing my kids, and in particular my son, to the joys of a great action movie.  Andy is really into the whole outer space thing...and I knew he would love the Predator character.
I think outside of the Terminator movies, this might be Arnie's best role.  He's made some pretty bad movies (Raw Deal, Commando to name just two), but when paired with a really good director (James Cameron with the Terminator movies & John McTiernan here) he made some damn good action movies.  Arnie is also helped out by a stellar supporting cast, including Carl Weathers, Bill Duke & Jesse Ventura--who just spouts out great lines left in right in this one.  Tons of great action here, as a group of soldiers in a latin american country on a secret mission begin to realize that they're being hunted by something that is....(drumroll please)....NOT OF THIS EARTH!!!!!   Great bloody fun.  One of your alltime "guy" movie classics.  ****

 

I know, I know....I've been avoiding my top 10 list.....Let me get back to it:
10) The Shawshank Redemption
  9) Rear Widnow
  8) The Outlaw Josey Wales
  7) The Godfather 1 & 2
  6) Lord of the Rings trilogy
  5) Unforgiven
  4) Jaws
  3) The Deerhunter
  2) The Road Warrior---hey, its my damn list.  If you don't like it, go read someone elses.  I remember going to the old Lauderhill Mall back around 1981 or so with my old buddy David Little to see this movie that he told me looked really good in the previews.  I just sat there for almost 2 hours with my mouth wide open watching the greatest action movie I've ever seen until that point---and since then.  This film hits the ground running and doesn't let up, concluding with one of the greatest car chases in cinematic history, an over the top vehicle crashing spectacular rivaled perhaps only by the mayhem wrought by the car chase sequence in The Blues Brothers.
Mel Gibson became an international superstar as Max, the former road patrol officer driven from his home and from civilization by the death of his wife and young child.
He is doomed to wander the roads of Australia's outback, searching for fuel in a future post-apocalpse world....chasing and being chased by lawless outlaws.  He is finally confronted with the loss of his own humanity by a group of survivors who have been processing gasoline, the most prescious commodity in the wasteland.
Max's decision, on whether to help the survivor's or not, will decide his own fate.
A great movie that influenced countless other inferior remakes, but make no mistake about it....this is the movie that made Mel Gibson a star.  *****
PS....if you want to check out the first movie in the series, called Mad Max, its definitely worth checking out, if for nothing else than for one of the greatest opening sequences in movie history....but beware....the redubbing of some of the actor's voices (apparently they had some rather heavy Australian accents) is pretty bad.
Still, a good little action movie that sets up The Road Warrior.  ***1/2
Beware however, of the horrible 3rd movie in the series, Mad Max:  Beyond Thunderdome.  Tina Turner, a bunch of whiny kids and a plot line that had something to do with turning pig shit into fuel (I'm not making that up).  UGH!  * 1/4

Later,
jeff