You can't make stuff like this up. It was right out of a sitcom. We're in court yesterday getting ready to take a plea on this guy named Bernd, very German, who was getting ready to plead out a battery charge. The case had been lingering in our division for almost 2 years and the state attorney's were having trouble finding the victims, and because of that were offering a fairly lenient plea offer. The guy was not going to be convicted and have to do some community service but no probation.
So the judge is going through the plea and the defendant, resplendant in his ponytail, was standing there with this vaguely cocky look on his face. So the judge states that there shouldn't be any contact with the victims in the case and asks what their names were. So the state attorney tells her, and the judge reads the names into the record.
Meanwhile, "in the box" (in custody defendants), a defendant screams out the names of the victims that the judge has just stated...it went something like this....
"Those are the victims names? What a minute! That's my wife and son! Hey! You're the son of a bitch who beat up my wife and slammed my kid into a wall!
Judge, this guy was a crackhead who broke into my house and beat up my wife!
The state attorney looks at the judge and says...
"Well, that would explain why I was having trouble contacting my witnesses judge.
One of them was in jail."
So the judge reschedules the plea and allows the state to bring in the victims.
The defendant is standing there, with his proverbial dick in the dirt and turns to move back to his seat when the in custody guy speaks.
"Bad day for you, huh bro?"
The defense attorney walks over to me and says...
"Well, that was sure lucky timing on my defendants part, huh?"
Hilarious.
Then, today, we were down to our last defendant of the day, an unrepresented guy named "Sascha" (again, I can't make this shit up). Well, old Sascha approached with quite the attitude and informed the judge that he didn't even know why he was here.
"Well," the judge explained, "you're here because you've been charged with a crime."
"But I didn't do anything. So I don't think I should have to be here."
"Quit saying that! You live in our country so you live by our rules. Have you thought about hiring an attorney?"
"I don't trust anyone to represent me."
"Well, what would happen for example if your toilet was broke. Who would you call for that?"
"I would have a friend come fix it."
"Okay, follow me here. If your car was broke, who would you hire to fix it.?"
"I would ask my friends to tell me the name of someone."
"Why can't you do that for a lawyer?"
"I don't trust lawyers."
"But don't they have judges in your native country?"
"Well yes, but I still don't think I should have to be here....I didn't do anything."
"Well, according to the police report, you got mad because a security guard at the gate to your complex wouldn't let someone through and then you came down to his guardhouse and punched him."
"That's not true. He wouldn't let someone in, so, of course I yelled at him. He works for me!"
"But you can't hit him!"
"But he works for me!"
"Come back after the New Year and be ready for trial sir."
"But why do I have to come here.....I didn't do anything....I shouldn't have to come."
"Quit saying that! If you say that again I'm going to have you removed from my courtroom."
"I'm sorry...I thought this was a place for justice."
Sascha. He drove a silver Porsche up to the gatehouse and opened up some whoopass on some poor security guard because the guard wouldn't let a truck deliver HIS NEW LIMO.
Ugh.
In the words of the immortal John Banner:
"I know nothing.....NOTHING!"
Later,
Jeff
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