3/26/05--a little dose of humility

So last weekend, before the tragic car accident I wrote about in my last column, a funny thing happened.  I realized that I had hit middle age.  And I mean....hard.

Andy was out walking Beezer, our orally fixated Golden//Yellow Lab mix.  As he was leaving I asked him to bring in the newspaper when he came back in.  He had opened the door to let Beezer in, and then stepped in to put the newspaper on the couch, when.........Jazzy.....our new dog.....our "white-boned demon"....saw an opening.

It was like Deion Sanders seeing an opening on a punt return.  WHOOOOOSH!!
Jazzy saw her spot and was out the door like she was shot out of a cannon.  Now I'm sitting there in a pair of shorts and nothing else, God knows looking as sexy as I could possibly look.....and I take off after her.  She was looking back at me, mocking me......I just know it.....and it was about that time that all that extra "baggage" that I had added since my early 20's began to weigh me down.  Now, believe it or not, my main concern was her getting either:
A) Hit by a car
B) Into some scrap with another dog that someone might be walking

I figured I'd strangle her....after I got her home.

So there's my Jazzy Doodle just trotting along, seemingly laughing her ass at me, and I look ahead and see one of our neighborhood morning walkers.  And Jazz is trotting right past her....and the lady does NOTHING.  UGH.  I mean, get in her way if you don't want to try and grab her, ya know?  So by now....she's way, way ahead of me, almost a block or so, and in between realizing I was fast approaching the need for an oxygen mask and or a coronary bypass......I heard something behind me.
And then.....blowing by me....with nary a heavy breath or a bead of sweat....comes my 15 year old son--he of the soccer and tae kwon do conditioning regiment.
I've now basically said 'screw it', and I'm walking (hey, I was walking fast, okay?).
And I watch Andy give her chase, and as she stops to sniff something or other, he reaches out and grabs her.
I then her my wife pulling up behind me in her SUV, looking all stylish in her nighty.
Andy is standing there with Jazzy.

"Do NOT...(wheezing).....let....(gasping)....that.....little BITCH.....go.  (passing out)

He eventually handed her off to me and we pushed her (okay, maybe "threw her" would be a better way of describing it) into the SUV, where she stared out the window at all the lovely sights, having a grand old time.
Andy couldn't help but laugh.  Me?  I was remembering back in my 20's when I could ride my bike 15 miles a day.  Boy was THAT a long time ago.

So we get her back home, I curse a little, throw her in the backyard.....and recover.
About half an hour later, Kim....my beloved wife and bastian of good sense...says:

"Uh, you know that she has no idea why she's being punished, don't you?"

I looked up at her and then looked out the back door at Jazz, who was sitting there at the door, just grinning from ear to ear.

I let her in...and by God, I gave her a stern lecture!  And she just smiled.
"You know," I told her, "we got you from an animal shelter...the least you could do is show some appreciation!"

And then I thought about Andy, running her down as I lay behind gasping for my life.
Truly, I may be Lord of the Manor....King of the Castle....Master of my own Domain.....but geez, my son is in WAAAAY better shape than me.
How humiliating!

Later,
Jeff