5/26/05--Tales of the Courthouse---Magistrates

One of proceedings that happens, everyday, rain or shine at the courthouse is magistrate court.  That's where people get told what their bond amount is, whether they've been charged with drinking in public or murder one.  It used to be held over in the main jail, which made it a lot of fun for various reasons.  Some people who have relatively minor charges might be offered a plea by the judge to time served or something like that.  When it was held in the jail, you were in what basically amounted to an undersized courtroom that was overcrowded---and by overcrowded I mean if you didn't bother to use the old Right Guard that morning--and most of the prisoners did NOT---it was quite a lovely scent in the air.

Back in the day, there used to be one state attorney and one public defender who were assigned to magistrates.  That was their only job.  Of course, it entailed getting there really early, like 4 or 5 a.m., but your work day might be over by 11 in the morning if you had a judge who knew what they were doing.  The state attorney, who's no longer with us (thereby allowing me to tell this story), used to keep a little bottle of courage in his desk drawer in the courtroom.  It was hilarious to watch right before court started this guy throw back a gulp of his....ahem....favorite painkiller.
The public defender was an absolute hoot.  He was sort of this old grizzled guy, and even though he was there to look out for the prisoner's best interests....sometimes they would really get on his nerves.  It was seemingly a daily occurence to hear:

"Shut up and plead no contest!!  I'm here to help you, damn it."

Then after the guy would plead out, the p.d. wouldn't want to talk to him.

The judges never really liked magistrates.  Mainly because the room smelled so bad, but also because it threw their court schedule out of whack all week.  So, after about 5 days of being in court with all these prisoners, they could get sorta loopy also.  Like this one now retired judge, who used to say this to prisoners charged with some sort of lewd behavior charge.

"Look here....don't be 'beatin your meat' in public.  Do that in the privacy of your own home...not out in public in front of all my constituents."

To the prostitutes he would say....

"You are charged with.....pounding the pavement....how do you plea?"

Apparently this one judge had his house broken into at some point, and lost a television set.  He would bring this up whenever he came across someone charged with burglary in magistrate court.

"The charge is burglary!  (of course, he pronounced it 'booglury')  How do I know that you weren't the one who stole my television set?  Raise the bond!"

And then there was the judge (no names) who was in magistrates one day and addressed a defendant who was charged with trespassing and theft.  The defendant was black, the judge was white....and dripping with sarcasm.

"Look judge, I really don't even belong here.....I wasn't trespassing.....I walked by this Chinese restaurant and the door was still open.....I just went in and had me something to eat."
"Well," the judge said, "to be honest with you....I'd find your story a lot more believeable if it was a Kentucky Fried Chicken."

The prisoner laughed, the judge got reprimanded for inappropriate comments.
True story.

Later,
Jeff