5/6/05--Visiting Publix with the wife

So the wife and I drop the kids off at TaeKwon Do tonight, and head over to Publix for our Friday night shopping spree--wow, if that ain't the kind of an evening that single people dream of......anyway, this was a little different than most Fridays.
Jim Morrison said it best---"Strange Days".
It started first with the lady on the soup aisle....the one with her major league cans hanging out of her blouse.  All of a sudden I was wide awake, I don't mind telling ya.
Then Kim runs into a lady that works in the office of the school the kids used to go too.  She's just chitchatting away, bringing her up to date on Andy & Kellie and I come strolling over....and I'm standing there....waiting....waiting....waiting....and Kim doesn't introduce me.  At first I was a tad peeved, thinking....'what's with her not introducing me?'...and then it hit me.  She couldn't remember the lady's name.
And after the conversation Kim walks up to me and I said....
"So who was that?"
"I totally forgot her name!  That's why I didn't introduce you."

And you don't think I know my wife.  Then Kim sends me over to the deli for some lunchmeat.  To say the counter lady was a little intense would be putting it mildly.

"53!  Yes sir...what can I get you?"
"1/2 pound of the Boars Head chicken breast."
"Yes sir...here...try this sample."
"That's okay....I don't want any."
"I insist...here try this."  (Pushes lunch meat at me)  "Would you like anything else?"
"Uh..nope, that'll do it."
"Are you sure?  How about some roast beef?  Maybe some turkey?"
"No, that's okay."
"How about some ham?  Some cheese?"
"No...nothing, really."

She really seemed to care.  About WHAT I have no idea.  (You can never go wrong stealing a Rodney Dangerfield line)

Then...the fun really began.  We're walking down the petfood aisle and on the opposite side is various cleaning products.  Kim is looking for a new mop.
Kim looks at the different ones for sale and puts one in our cart.  And then.....she walked over.  There had been three ladies at the end of the aisle, talking about cats.
The youngest one (and don't kid yourself--that's doesn't mean she was young) walks up to Kim and started in:

"You...do NOT want to buy that mop."
"Uh....why?"
"Because I bought that mop one time and it wasn't very good."
"That's okay....its really notthat expensive."
"No...wait...you have to buy the good one.  Oh geez....which one is it?  Lemme ask my mother...she'll know which one it is.

Now, mind you....by this time her mother and the other lady had gone all the way to the end of the aisle by the frozen foods and were chatting.  That didn't stop our new friend.

"Mom!  Mom!  Which mop is the one that we like?"

Quizzical look from Mom.

"The mop!  Which mop is it that we like?  (screaming)  Which MOP DO WE LIKE?"  (Mom still not quite hearing her) I'm sorry (speaking to Kim).  God, she is a dumb bitch.  MOM!  Which mop do we like??"

Mom points to the one they like.

"This one?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  My mom and I have used this one and it works so much better than the one you picked out."
"Oh," Kim says, "I tried that one and I didn't like it."
"You didn't?  Oh my God...we loved this mop."
"Well, there's only a $5 difference....I"ll just try this one."
"Well, alrighty.  Time to find Mom.  MOM!  HELLO!  VIRGINIA!"

And then she walks off.  Kim looks over at me.
"I couldn't get away from her!"

The other part of the story that made it fun was....well....her slight infirmity.  You've probably had the chance to, in your lifetime, come across someone who has either a glass eye or perhaps some malfunction that causes one eye to sort of look in another direction than the other eye.  However, in THAT case, you still have the one eye that looks at you.  Not our new friend.  BOTH her eyes were looking in the opposite direction.  I couldn't figure out how she was even able to see us.

So then we head over to the vegetable section and there's our new buddy with her mom.  Quickly Kim & I spring into action.

"Go down the other aisle so we won't have to talk with her," I said.
We zoomed past her just as I saw her looking (in both directions) pleadingly, trying to make some sort of eye contact (she had a huge advantag there) with one of us so we could continue our fascinating conversation about mops.

Why couldn't the lady with the huge cans have an interest in mops?

Later,
Jeff