Since its been awhile since my last posting, I'd thought I'd give you a little bit of that voodoo that I do....so well. Today we'll look back at one of my favorite former judge's, who really was half crazy. Hilarious, but half crazy none the less.
The judge in question liked to think of herself as a bit of an amateur psychologist.
Everytime a defendant would come into court and mention that they were on some sort of anti-depressant or mind altering medication....look out because the PDR was coming out and she was going to be giving out the instant diagnosis (just add water).
Since she had people coming into her courtroom who were charged with either DUI's or minor drug offenses, she had her very own "experts" who were there almost everyday. George & Bernie, who could've starred in the movie adaption of the "ambigiously gay duo". They were wildly effeminate and thought nothing of giving the judge their instant analysis of someone's condition. Their only training appeared to be the fact that they were (were??) drug addicts in the past who felt they could help (help??) people who were currently having problems. Someone the drug use also made them experts in alcohol recovery as well, which lead to some pretty funny moments in court. The judge would call someone up who was charged with a DUI, and if the person happened to plead "not guilty" and also happened to be without counsel.....it went something like this.
"Sir have you had anything to drink today?" the judge would ask.
"No maam."
"Bernie, would you smell his breath?"
Bernie would step up to the defendant, put his nose almost INSIDE the defendant's mouth and inhale deeply.
"I smell alcohol judge!" Bernie would announce triumphantly.
"I haven't drank any alcohol." the defendant would reply.
"DENIAL!! DENIAL!! The defendant is in denial judge!" Bernie would scream.
The judge would then order the defendant into an alcohol or substance abuse program....taught be.....guess who? Yep, no conflict there.
Or heaven help the person who was charged with domestic violence. The person (almost always a guy) would walk up and be asked how he pleads. If he plead not guilty...it went something like this.
"I plead not guilty judge." the defendant would say.
"Okay...is the victim here?" Judge says.
"She's right back there judge."
"Step up here maam. Deputy, please escortthe defendant into the back into the jury room." (Only slightly illegal by the way)
At this point the victim would walk up in front of the judge.
"HOW CAN YOU LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU??" she would scream at the victim.
"He didn't do it," the victim would say. "That's why he's pleading not guilty."
"Oh fine...just leave."
Then there were the guys who were charged with....ahem....the occasional crime involving a lewd act....for example....a lewd act in which only one person was involved--if ya get my drift and I think ya do.
"Step forward please sir. I'm telling you here today that you've been charged with (leans into her microphone) LEWD CONDUCT. It says here that you were observed MASTURBATING in your car."
By the time the plea was taken, all the defendant wanted to do was run out the side door of the courtroom.
She also had a vaguely disturbing personal habit. She used to wear dresses a lot to work, but when she sat down on the bench she would put one foot underneath her, which resulted in...after awhile of just sitting there....her dress would begin to ride up on her. And I don't mean just a little bit. By the end of the docket, attorney's would be coming up to the bench and having to divert their gaze, or they would be getting just a little bit more of the judge than they probably wanted to see.
Once again...true story.
Later,
Jeff
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