So the wife and I took a quick run up to Tampa from Thursday nite to Saturday evening as she went to a two day convention for hand therapy. We stayed in a Hyatt, which sounds great--unless you were there. Let's just say it was an OLD Hyatt. The price we paid per evening usually would include a visit from a woman other than your wife--but hey, I digress. Let's just say that I've been to nicer hotels. Anyway.....so while the wife is in listening to her lectures, I sorta just hung out at the hotel or drove around and did some sightseeing.
Our big night out was Friday, and since we couldn't make reservations at Bern's Steakhouse ("We have no reservations for Saturday night and our earliest available for Friday is 10:30pm." Hmm....no thanks) we decided to go check out historical Ybor City--which is supposed to be some sort of historical landmark and heavyduty nightlife spot. We get there about 7:30pm, and we start walking around...and there's a bunch of these little stores where you can watch people handroll the old Hav-A-Tampa cigars, which I suppose is a huge deal if you're into Hav-A-Tampa cigars. And there are a ton of nightclubs that all opened about....ya know....10:30pm or so. So basically our option was to hang around 3 hours to see what happened....or go somewhere else. Hey, we were hungry. So we drive back towards the middle of town to see what we could find, and find ourselves on Tampa's legendary Dale Mabry (road, boulevard....I dunno) and I'm suggesting places to the wife. Suddenly we drive past another historical location.
"Um, honey....see that right there? That is the legendary Mons Venus."
"And that is legendary because....."
"Well, that's supposedly the most famous strip club in the United States."
"And you've been there?"
"Actually, no. But I have several friends who during one famous visit in 1991 spent close to a thousand dollars there. Thankfully, I decided to go out with the OTHER group that night. Still, I'm tormented by the decision I made. Am I better off in the knowledge that I saved what could've been a very large amount of cash---or did I miss out on what could have been one of the wildest evenings of my entire life."
"Yeah....you keep trying to wrestle with that decision....."
Some things even a good wife can't help you with.
So we go and eat dinner at J. Alexander's, a perfectly fine restaurant which serves a lovely glazed pork---uh, usually. Tonight, they decided to burn mine. So I'm sitting there waiting and waiting...and the manager walks over.
"How ya doing tonight?" he asks.
"I dunno....I'm wondering if they've managed to kill the pig that was supposed to be my dinner yet." I said, merely a touch of sarcasm in my voice.
"Yeah.....well....truth is....our chef burned it and we're preparing a new one for you."
Now mind you, before we sat down, I had stood there and watched the chef as he grilled a variety of meats--everything from hamburgers, ribs, salmon, chicken & burgers.
And during all that time I stood there watching him....he never burned ONE.
And then the s.o.b. burns mine.
Well, I did get a free slice of key lime pie and a $25 gift certificate for my next visit.
Dinner tasted much better than usual that night.
So then Saturday we headed back home in the late afternoon. We were making excellent time driving down I-75 on the west coast of Florida when I asked Kim if she wanted to stop for dinner or just wait until we got home to eat. She was concerned that we would be eating too late if we waited until we got home, so we decided to stop at one of America's finest culinary experiences. You got it....
Waffle House.
Now, before we got to the old Waffle House, we saw the signs indicating that we were passing through Naples, Florida.
"Ya know...." Kim says, "I read somewhere that Naples has more millionaires per capita than any city in the United States."
My wife...always filled with the interesting trivia.
So we pull into the Waffle House....and stepped into the Twilight Zone.
We walked in the front door and noticed that there were only two customers, both of them sitting at the counter. The waitress has these coke bottle eye glasses on with a hat pulled way down on her head...and that in combination with some really, really bad skin made her a sight to behold. And I loved it when she walked over to take our order and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.
Oh my!
So as we're sitting there this guy comes walking in and walks directly behind the counter to just on the other side of where we're sitting. I'm thinking its going to be a holdup and we've managed to walk right into it. Except he just wants to use the phone.
So he's dialing the phone, back around to the customer side of the counter...and he has one knee on the seat of the booth next to us when this guy comes in and sits down at that particular booth.
"Hey!" the customer says to the guy using the phone.
"Huh?" phone guy says.
"Move your leg!" customer guy says.
"I'm just using the phone man." phone guy says.
"I don't care....get your leg out of my booth!"
Oh good...we haven't even got our waffles and a huge brawl is going to erupt. Eventually phone guy leaves (he'd be back again) and customer guy starts screaming at the waitress for "another one". A few minutes later she brings him another waffle.
"I never asked for that!"
"You told me you wanted another one," our nearsighted, runny nose waitress said.
"No I didn't....I meant another thing of butter....but I'll take it if you want me too."
Kim looks at me and starts to lip sync to me that in fact, Mr. Customer Guy had in fact TOTALLY wanted another waffle. I didn't wanna mention it...as he seemed to be just a little tense.
So I start telling Kim a story about something that had happened in the elevator at the hotel....and the guy turns around to us.
"Riding in an elevator is like getting married. Ya never know what's gonna happen!"
This guy was obviously low on his meds. So he's finished with his meal and the waitress comes over and gives him the bill....and he says:
"Hold on there darlin. You gave me a $5 dollar bill. Ya need to give me some change for this so I can give you a tip."
"Oh, okay. Here ya go."
And she hands him 5 one dollar bills. And he then proceeds to---
Give her ONE DOLLAR. Wow. It was brutal. The look on her face. It was like, this is what your time is worth to me. One freakin dollar.
And then Kim and I noticed an unusual thing. The restaurant began to fill up. Which in itself isn't unusual. What was weird was that every person coming in seemed to be Mexican.
"What is with all the Mexican's," I whisper to Kim.
"Well, apparently all those millionaires need someone to cut their lawns." retorts my wife, apparently campaigning for a future membership in the Klan.
What was even more interesting was that the waitress apparently wasn't all hopped up and ready to SERVE the Mexicans. I mean to tell you....they were there a good 15 minutes and she hadn't brought them as much as a menu. She walks over and goes:
"Alright....which one of you all was first?"
Warmth. Definite warmth.
I looked at my wife and uttered those words said so many times in history.
"I know what ti is....we only think we're in Naples. But actually....well....submitted for your approval.....Jeff & Kim....a young couple on a lonely road home....with a brief stop...in the Twilight Zone."
For whatever reason....Kim just lost it and couldn't stop laughing. She got up and walked away with a....
"I gotta get up....or I'm gonna pee myself."
Yep...and we were the CLASSY ones in the Waffle House that night. Oh my.
Later,
Jeff
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