Well, its almost Halloween and besides planning for another one of our annual "soirees", its a good time to discuss some choices for your movie watching enjoyment. Its always fun to watch a good scary movie, whether its a "horror" or "thriller" or just a good creepy movie. Here's a list of 10 movies that will leave you squirming and afraid to turn out the lights come All Hallows Eve!!
10) Halloween--well ya gotta have one slasher movie in the mix and if you do, it might as well be the best one of the lot (puh-leeze don't even ask me about stupid shit like Friday the 13th or Freddy Kreueger). This was the first one that inspired a seemingly endless supply of really crappy movies about teenagers in danger (usually after pre-marital sex, but I digress). This one, with Michael Myers returning home to terrorize the kids of his former hometown provides plenty of good scares with an intelligent script and good performances from Jaime Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasance. ****
9) The Thing--I'll go with the 1982 version, although the one from the 50's with a pre-Gunsmoke James Arness as the alien is a good one also. This one features Kurt Russell in a pretty bad beard, stuck up in Antartica with a group of scientists and one apparently very cranky alien lifeform---who by the way is able to change its shape and appearence pretty much at the drop of a hat. Definitely not for the squeamish, but a great example of looming dread and fear. ****
8) Seven--I'm waiting for a quick letter from my friend Dino about including this one. He hates this movie with an absolute passion. However, few movies do as good a job of establishing grim menace, as cops Brad Pitt & Morgan Freeman investigate a serial killer who polishes off his victims using the "seven deadly sins" as his motis operandi. What was even better was that the killer ended up being an uncredited big name star, who absolutely owns the screen when he finally makes his appearence at the end of the film, taunting the detectives to discover his last crime.
This one not only is not for the squeamish, its not for kids or anyone with a weak stomach. ****
7) Texas Chainsaw Massacre--naturally I refer to the legendary ORIGINAL, not that souless remake from a year or so ago. I saw the original at a midnight movie when I was about 20 years old and a film neophyte. My good friend David Little sprang a little surprise on me by not telling me what it was about. Thanks a hell of a lot there David. I can still hear the sound that was made when the young girl is impaled on the meathook by Leatherface. And its been 24 freaking years. This movie made such an impact on me that I don't even want to see it again. ****1/4
6) The Omen--nothing is quite as scary as the presence of the anti-Christ, ya know?
And when they come in the form of a child--well buckle up, cuz its going to be a bumpy ride. Gregory Peck and Lee Remick (both terrific) find out that their young son was....well....adopted, and let's just say it wasn't from an approved agency.
OH MY! Tons of great scares here, and a great movie score to heighten the thrills and chills. ****1/4
5) Silence of the Lambs--who can forget that scene where the killer is following Jodie Foster with the nightscopes?!!?? Holy crap, if that scene doesn't have you wetting your pants, nothing will.
"It needs to put the lotion in the basket."
Anthony Hopkins was terrific, but the standard for movie serial killers was blown up and re-invented by Ted Levine, who played Jamie Gumm. He's the character that really stayed with me after this movie. Check out the scene where's he's dancing in front of the mirror if you REALLY want to be creeped out. ****1/2
4) Alien--talk about establishing your sense of fear and dread. This may be the ultimate example in cinema history. Who can forget the scene where the creature attaches itself to John Hurt's face? And forget the stomach scene, how about the scene where Harry Dean Stanton goes looking for Jones the cat? And those weren't even the best scenes in the film!! Let's just say to make sure you've got an extra pair of underwear when you watch this one. ****1/2
3) The Shining--a long, slow descent into madness, with a little bit of claustrophobia thrown in for good measure. Jack Nicholson most famous role (arguably) has a few scenes where he goes over the top ("Heeerrree's Johnny!"), but watching him slowly lose it is one scary process. ("REDRUM! REDRUM!") ****1/2
2) The Exorcist--AHA! Thought this was going to be number 1, didn't ya? Well, truth be told, until I remember my first choice at the last minute, this was numero uno. And anyone that has it at the top of their list can't be faulted. This is one scary ass, B.A.D. film (and I mean that in a good way). The devil pays us a visit in the form of Linda Blair, who never would be this good (or even come close to be honest with you) again. More scenes that will scare the beejezus out of you than any movie ever made. *****
So what's number 1? What's my number one scare the hell out of you film? Probably one that you've never heard of...unless you're really a film buff. Its been remade (UGH), in what can only be desribed at a "tepid" americanized version, complete with a happy ending. But trust me here....take a chance....go with the original....if you dare!! (Cue the evil laughter)
1) The Vanishing--I'm not sure where I first heard about this film. But I saw it, felt the utter desperation of the lead character as he searches for his girlfriend who has suddenly...ya know..."vanished" at a roadside stop. His desperation slowly begins to turn to obsession, and maybe even to madness....until he is contacted by someone who offers to finally answer the question of what happened to her. The man with the answer is so....so normal. And that is truly what makes this a scary film. That someone so ordinary could in fact be so out of whack....so evil. And let me just tell you....the final scene....when he discovers, FINALLY...what happened to the girlfriend....will have you jumping in your chair and going......HOLY SHIT!!
But, at the same time....its great and terrific filmmaking. Awesome. *****
Well, big news at home. Last night at dinner, Kellie informed us that her relationship with Matt.....the CHRONIC as I called him (and only you Cheech & Chong fans will understand that reference---uh thank you....thank you very much)....is over.
I think our decision a couple of weeks ago to suspend Kellie's phone privileges (school issues) may have played a part in it, but apparently Matt dropped the "B" word on her during a misunderstanding. In 7th grade. Nice. So I told her if he's going to do that now, he's going to continue to do it in the future. Good riddance.
Later,
Jeff
Saturday, October 30, 2004
10/31/04--Halloween movies....and the end of the Chronic
Thursday, October 28, 2004
10/28/04---Movies, DVD's, and picking noses in traffic
He's convinced that not only is he "not guilty"....he's innocent. It basically arose out of a traffic incident...and it escalated from there. But what was great was the testimony of the defendant's wife. She gets on the stand, and is asked to tell the judge what happened that lead to the incident. And she says:
"Well, you were driving the car...and starting picking your nose and the car swerved."
"Um....I meant after that."
Continuing our look at my DVD collection, today we look at 3 films for the price of one. Its Mike Meyers spoof of James Bond in:
Austin Powers--International Man of Mystery
Austin Powers--The Spy Who Shagged Me
Austin Powers--Goldmember
First of all, every one of the films are guaranteed to give you a laugh. Especially if you're (like me) a huge fan of the James Bond series. The first one really introduces us to the character, along with his sidekick Vanessa Kensington. There are a lot of memorable lines....
"This is my confidential secretary....Alotta....Alotta Fagina."
"I beg your pardon?"
"How dare you break wind before me!"
"I"m sorry baby, was it your turn?"
The 2nd movie of the series is where things really take off, primarily because the focus of the film really shifts to Dr Evil, who quite honestly is the more interesting of the two characters, and the one that's more ripe for spoofing. The introduction of the diminutive Mini-Me, and his conflict with the good Doctor's real son ("Scott Evil") make for some of the funniest things in the film. The best thing in the movie though may be the flatout hilarious scene spoofing the Jerry Springer show.
The 3rd movie in the series is, not surprisingly, the least of the 3 films, which isn't to say that its not full of laughs--just not as many as the first two. Michael Caine is a hoot as Austin's father (and maybe someone else's too), but the title character falls flat. Some great cameos and one of my favorite lines in movie history. Think about it.....ready?
"There are two things I hate in this world....people that are intolerant of other people,
(ready?)......
and the Dutch."
Priceless.
Austin Powers..International Man of Mystery--****
Austin Powers..The Spy Who Shagged Me--****1/2
Austin Powers..Goldmember--***3/4
Later,
Jeff
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
10/26/04--Attorney's behaving badly
One thing I love about working in misdemeanor court is that you get to watch young attorneys, whether they work for the state or the defense, get to earn their stripes in court. The stuff they do is usually DUI or something like that, and after they get some experience its up to felonies and the really serious cases. However, sometimes you get an attorney who starts to think that maybe their a little bit better than they really are. Take yesterday for example:
We had this defendant, who quite honestly was a really cocky S.O.B. He had not one, not two, but THREE charges of theft against. And he was stealing the same shit everytime! Nothing like learning your lesson, right? Well, he's got a really good defense attorney who's in the trenches battling away for his client, like he's supposed to do, and he's trying to convince our young state attorney (prosecutor, D.A., etc) to give his client a reasonable plea offer so they can avoid having to go to trial. Well, the prosecutor is sticking to his guns, citing the fact that the defendant had like 14 prior arrests (not all for theft mind you) and that he had never been CONVICTED (key word there) of any of them. This time, he wanted a conviction. Its like the scene from the movie STRIPES with Bill Murray & Harold Ramis in the recruiting office before they join the army.
"You boys ever been convicted of any crimes?"
"Convicted? No....uh....never CONVICTED."
Cause you see, what the key word was is CONVICTED. Once you get that conviction on your record, its not EVER going away. All those times before the conviction was "withheld", which basically means the case is resolved without a finding of guilt. Sometimes you just pay court costs, maybe do a little probation, but the stigma of being CONVICTED is something that just about everyone tries to avoid.
So, back to our little courtroom drama. Finally the state attorney makes his final offer. He agrees to drop one of the three cases if the guy will take a conviction on the other two cases. Reasonable enough, thinks myself, the clerk with the vast almost 19 years of courtroom experience. (ahem) Still, the defense attorney goes to the judge and asks if there is anything that can be done to "sweeten the deal". Now the judge had already said that she thought the guy didn't deserve to not be convicted, so I'm thinking there's NO chance whatsoever its going to happen. However, part of a judge's job is to move along their cases, and I'm sure my judge was thinking about how nice it would be to get rid of three potential jury trials with one plea of no contest. So she offers to convict the guy on one of the three cases and have him pay court costs on the other two. Now personally, I didn't think she should've done that, I woulda stuck it to the guy based on his priors, but I understood her thinking. Well here's where it gets good. The prosecutor just starts to have a tantrum. He walks over to his desk with the files and SLAMS them down.
Then as the judge is reading the different sentences he starts mumbling under his breath about how "this is bullshit" and yada yada. Then, as the judge is finishing up all the pleadings he gets up and storms out of the courtroom, complete with the slamming open of the courtroom door. I don't know if the judge even realized what was happening, because she was busy writing something on her computer while it was all going on. The bottom line is, he was really unprofessional.
So this morning I call him over. I tell him, whether you agreed with what the judge's decision was or not--and personally I didn't either--that he was unprofessional in storming off and throwing a tantrum. I told him that he should apologize for the way he acted.
I may as well have told him whistle Dixie. He tells me that he has no intention of doing that, because she was wrong, etc etc and that he's not going to be in the courtroom much longer and that he was thinking about going to the newspaper and having them sit in on one of her court sessions and.....well, you get the idea.
I realized I was wasting my breath. My point was, that even if you disagreed with her decision, that he should respect her position and role. He doesn't have to like her, but he should at least give her the respect she deserves. Instead, he came close to throwing another tantrum. Excuse me for trying to offer a little constructive criticism based on my 19 years in the courtroom. But the way I figured it, I had nothing to offer someone who appears to know everything. And just to make it even more perfect, 5 minutes later he was making chit-chat with the judge about how much he sees her case count going down. I almost threw up. What a two-faced bastard. Bad mouthing her one minute,then kissing her ass the next.
Speaking of court cases, what in God's name was former chanel 7 weatherman Bill Kamal thinking?? For those of you not familar, local weatherman Kamal---or as they call him on the radio these days, "Come one, come all"---was nailed in a federal sting for child predators. Apparently Bill was cruising the web looking for younger teenage boys for a "discreet--VERY DISCREET relationship". I mean to tell you, this guy is DONE. I mean, besides being a scumbag, he's also a big dumbass for doing it. I had the guy in my courtroom twice for DUI related offenses, and as a matter of fact, the judge terminated his probation early about 2 months ago because he had fulfilled all of his conditions and appeared to be making progress towards facing his alchoholism. When he got popped for the new federal charges, our old prosecutor (Lil Ms "My Husband's A Doctor") comes into the courtroom crowing like a rooster about how the judge shouldn't have let him off probation early because now we could've violated his probation. I told her....guess what? The guy is facing life in prison on FEDERAL charges. I'm going to take a wild guess that a fucking DUI charge isn't weighing really heavy on his mind. Of course, you watch....that SOB is going to get up in front of a federal judge and blame everything on his alcohol problem. I just know it.
SPORTS ALERT SPORTS ALERT
Big doings here locally as the Florida Gators shitcanned their head coach, Ron "Why the fuck was I hired anyway?" Zook. All the local Gator fans are of course praying to whatever God they worship that Steve Spurrier will come back to Gainesville riding on his fiery white steed. Wouldn't surprise me in the least, although....I gotta wonder why he would do it. Could he possibly live up to the standards that he set the last time he was there? Its a hell of a thing to compete against yourself. Or your own past. Of course, if Spurrier doesn't take it...then suddenly the name Urban Meyer from Utah starts getting bandied about, and any sensible Notre Dame fan wouldn't want that to happen. You see, after this weekends DISASTER vs. Boston College (UGH! I can't even stand to think about it) rumblings have begun yet again as to the stability of Ty Willingham's position. Now, to be perfectly candid (and why wouldn't I be, dear reader) I don't think the the administration has the balls to fire the guy (not that he's undeserving mind you)....first you would have the whole "black coach" thing that would be blown WAY, WAY out of proportion (Yes, that means you Michael Wilbon of ESPN) and then the whole "5 year" thing--Bob Davie got 5 years, Gerry Faust got 5 years....so I figure at the very least he'll get through next season, but maybe have to ax some of his assistants, particularly on offense.
Time for another DVD selection, continuing with our alphabetical review....we're now up to 2000's AMERICAN BEAUTY by director Sam Mendes. I tried to think of what movie this film reminded me of, and I finally came up with it. Its almost an updated retelling of 1979's KRAMER VS. KRAMER. Both films deal with the disinigration of a modern marriage, although Kvs K dealt more with the aftermath, while A.B. shows things falling apart right before your very eyes. Let me start with the obvious. This is a great film. If my personal top 10 list was actually a top 15, it would most likely be on it---that's how much I like this movie. There are so many subtle things that end up meaning so much. Misunderstandings, infidelity (real and imagined), that "weird kid" you knew in high school (and trust me--EVERY school had one)...its all here. The movie quite deservingly swept the major awards on Oscar night. Kevin Spacey is just...THE MAN...in this role. What makes him so great is that he's enough of a chameleon to not have himself pigeonholed by one performance. He's not just Keyser Souze. He's not just Lester Burnham. He's not just Jack Vincennes. He's all of those guys, each a vastly different person and character--and he nailed every one of them. What a performance here. Annette Bening is every bit his equal as the housewife slowly going insane by her own inertia, who finds herself quite willing drawn into an affair with the hysterical Peter Gallagher.
Also providing stellar support are Wes Bentley, Mena Suvari (who will never be better than here), Thora Birch, Allison Janney & Chris Cooper. The cast is perfect.
Its a film about taking the time to find the beauty in the smallest of things, like the way a leaf blows....or the way a great movie strikes you...just right. *****
Later,
Jeff
Sunday, October 24, 2004
10/24/04--basically movie and sports--ladies beware!!
Well, ya know....it was the basic up and down weekend. The Vikes had an impressive victory over the Titans, who came in all banged up....but the proud tradition of Notre Dame football has officially been flushed, as we lost for the 4th consecutive time to God-forsaken Boston College. I'm not saying the loss had me fired up or anything, but let's take a look at a transcript of an email I fired off to some friends after the performance.....
"Please, please someone tell me how great a coach that fucking Tyrone Willingham is.... It is a national fucking disgrace that we lose to a program like Boston College. We have allowed them to become a rival by losing to them 4....FOUR!!!....years in a fucking row.
This to me is worse than Davie losing consistently to Michigan State. Michigan State you can accept because you understand that they have the ability to recruit kids who normally would have trouble getting into a jr college (Charles Rogers jumps to mind).....but losing to those fucking idiots from BC makes my blood boil....here's a team who...(get this)....came into our home stadium and walked around carrying a piece of the turf from our home field, then went in and destroyed a bunch of items in the visitors locker room...and then....and this is the big one....had one of their players take a fucking dump in the middle of the locker room and leave it there when they left.
We should have fucking annihilated those cocksuckers....but Ty is such a fucking pussy that he wants to remain "calm" and unemotional about each game. If Holtz was there they would have ripped BC's heart out and left it laying on the field.
This is unbelieveable. Please don't tell me about how BC has gotten better and that ND is down, etc etc....this is Ty's 3rd year. I don't care if he's black, green, yellow or pink. He's not good enough to be our coach. Fire his ass.
Pissed off and not ashamed to say so....
Jeff"
Gee...I didn't sound too damn fired up in that letter now, did I? Hey, sorry about the rampant use of curse words there Dad. Like I said, it was the heat of the moment, ya know?
Now let's talk about some movies:
1) The Cell--back in 1998, there was this young actress who had acquired a fairly decent reputation as an actress for her work in the movies Selena & Out of Sight.
Her name was Jennifer Lopez. Then, she made the above titled movie, it hit the roof at the boxoffice....and suddenly we had "J-Lo" thrust upon our national conscience.
Realistically, this was the last decent movie that the big assed P.R. ever made. And though its not as good as her roles in Selena or Out of Sight, it was sort of an interesting choice. Here she plays a psychologist who deals in the subconscious and dreams of autistic children, primarily. Vince Vaughn, looking just a tad haggard, plays a police officer in search of a serial killer, played by an especially creepy Vincent Dinofrio (he was Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket). The movie is basically broken into about 3 parts. There's the police search for the serial killer, which is very well done and quite compelling. There's the whole psychologist's subplot, dealing with the moral and ethical decisions of invading someone else's subconscious. And finally, there is the dream-state world of the killer that Lopez enters. This part of the movie isn't just wild, its bizaare. I mean, Pink Floyd concert while on quaaludes type of bizaare. The visual imagery is absolutely spectacular, but what goes on within the dream goes beyond bizaare and enters the world of sadistic.
There are a couple of very disturbing scenes that quite honestly may prove very troubling for some people. I'll give it a ***1/2. The search for the serial killer is really good stuff, the spectacular visual imagery almost has to be seen to be believed, but some of the boring psychological stuff mid-way through the film and the disturbing images presented during the dreams keep it from getting a higher recommendation. Not for all tastes, but if your looking for something different, give it a shot.
Now, let's take a look at my DVD's, which I haven't had a chance to talk about much lately......back to my alphabetical listing.
So far, we've discussed the following films:
1) Above the Law
2) The Abyss
3) Alien
Now we get to the sequel to movie # 3, James Cameron's Aliens. While there are some things that are similar to the first part of the series, there are major differences also. The first movie was more of a horror//science fiction film. This movie is more of an action film, with a little bit of sci-fi thrown in for good measure. Sigourney Weaver is back in the role that made her a star, Ripley. After being awaken from a deepspace sleep, Ripley discovers that it is 57 years after the storyline from the first film took place, that everyone she knew is now dead, and oh yeah....seems like there's something just a tad odd going on at this space station that's located...GULP...on that same planet that Ripley and her crew landed on in the first movie. Quicker than you can say exploding chests, Ripley hooks up with a crew of gung-ho space marines and a supremely weasely corporate type (Paul Reiser--far better here than he ever was in that goofy sitcom he did) to go back to the planet and see what's up. Me? My ass wouldn't even of thought about going back, but that's why Ripley is such a great action character in film history. Mayhem ensues, the body count gets high.....oh yeah, and we meet a little girl who's parents decided to name her....get a load of this one...."Newt". What in the world were those people thinking...or better yet...what sort of psychotropic meds were they taking the night they named the kid? Anyway, a terrific action film that has a few scenes that will have you wetting your pants. Really good stuff. ****
Since I have a few extra minutes....I'll give you, beloved readers....a special treat.
I'm going to give you ONE MORE DVD REVIEW!! WOOHOO!! Am I a great guy or what? (Don't answer that question)
Speaking of mind altering medications...(and we were)....our next DVD is Ken Russell's absolutely wild, hallucinatory ALTERED STATES. This was one of William Hurt's first big role, as research scientist Edward Jessup. He's doing research into states of consciousness (this movie would make a great double feature with The Cell---trust me on that one) using sensory deprivation. Here is another movie that quite honestly is not for everyone, but for those willing to take a chance on something a little different....in the words of broadcaster Dick Enberg...OH MY!
This is one wild ride, as Dr. Jessup decides to "enhance" his sensory experience by adding a little of the old peyote to the mix. The results, needless to say....are quite interesting. Also features an excellent supporting cast, including Blair Brown (YOWSA!), Bob Balaban & Charles Haid. ***3/4
Later,
Jeff
Saturday, October 23, 2004
10/23/04--Let me tell you about my birthday
Hey...its Oct 23rd!! My big bro's birthday! That would make you......OMAN!!!
Not the big 5-0...it can't be! Yikes man...its time to start thinking about that condo on the beach and eating the early bird special down at Shoney's!! Happy Day big brother!
Now then...let me tell you about MY birthday. It was....truly a disaster. Where shall I start? Well, let's see...how about the fact that the wife and I overslept by an hour and a half??? Nothing like being woken up with the following...
"Oh my God!! It's 10 minutes to 7. You gotta get up!"
That's a better wakeup call than any shower or cup of Joe, I don't mind telling ya.
So then, as I'm in the shower, she tells me she's taking the kids to the bus-stop. With me so far? A couple of minutes later, I'm getting dressed, doing the math to see if there is anyway on God's green earth that I will still make it to work ontime....
when I hear the wife come in and announce that they had missed the bus and that I needed to take them to school. Ahem....
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!
With much composure and understand (you really don't believe that, do ya?) I headed out the door and began my own version of the Daytona 500 with the kids in the backseat (buckled in naturally). Mind you, I had now left the house and not one person had wished me a happy birthday. But that's okay, I'll get over it I'm sure.
And I'm actually making pretty good time until I hit the dreaded I-595//Flamingo Rd intersection. Holy cripes. The line to get on//off the interestate had to be about half a mile long and everyone had decided that there was nothing to be in a hurray about.
Let me say it again.....ahem....
AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!
So finally I get off the interstate and I have exactly ONE block to travel before I'm in front of their school. Whoops, hold on...that's exactly how long the line is to get into the school parking lot!! And then you have those freakin weasels who like to drive all the way to the front of the line and then cut the line. MAN! Does that ever piss me off! So after enough time seemingly for the icebergs to melt, I pulled into one of the parking lots at the kids school....at which point Kellie told me that I should've pulled into another parking lot.
Let's just say....the look I give her will probably stay with her for a few years.
So after reminding herwhat a long walk it is back home, I dropped them off and began the "sprint" to work. HA! A likely story. About this time my wife calls me to wish me happy birthday, and quite honestly I wasn't in the best mood to receive her wishes and pretty much sorta told her that. What a husband, huh? Just before I get to work, the phone rings again and its my sister calling with birthday wishes, which I accept with a little bit better spirit. I told her of what had happened so far and she suggested that I remind my boss that it was my birthday. What a great idea!!
So I walk into the office, around 8:35ish...and say to my boss.
"Well, I'm officially here."
"Okay....why don't we just call it 30 minutes on your time sheet."
"Um...alright. But my sister told me to mention that I haven't been late in 5 years and that it was, ya know....my birthday and all."
He let a slight smirk come over his face.
"Why don't we just call this your one free pass."
Excellent! Maybe my day was taking a turn for the better. Uh....not. So I have a pretty nice day at work, with lots of nice wishes from all my friends at work....even though a CERTAIN someone walked right past my desk with not even so much as a 'have a happy birthday'. Is it me? I mean....am I wrong for thinking it was pretty bitchy of her not to even say that? Whatever.
So afterwards, I'm off to one of Kellie's football games. It was their homecoming game so all the parents of the players and cheerleaders get brought onto the field and introduced....yada yada.
So as their introducing all the parents, Kim informs me that one of the teachers had called her at work. Now that's what I call timing on her part.
She informs me that young Mr. P.B. had turned in a notebook assignment just a little short of the info that he needed.
Oh, do tell, I inquire.
"Well, his notebook was supposed to have 25 assignments from the last few weeks in it...Andy's did not."
"How many did he have in it when he turned it in?"
"Um....two."
"TWO?"
"Yep. He was missing 23 assignments."
TWENTY THREE ASSIGNMENTS!!! Now remember dear reader....this was on my birthday. What did I do to deserve this? Had I lead some wicked former life?
Surely that must explain this happening on my birthday, along with the Cubs failure to get into a World Series, the Vikings inability to get back to the Super Bowl for almost 30 years and Notre Dame's unbelieveable performance since they shitcanned Lou Holtz. What the hell could I have done in that past life?? But I digress.....
So then Kim decides that we need to go get Andy and have me take him home so that he can begin working on the missing work, since the teacher offered to let him turn in the work the next day if he could complete it. So we drag him off the field at band practice, basically with the hope that it would get maximum exposure with his fellow band geeks, and informed him about the missing 23 assignments.
As we were walking to get him his books, he begins bopping along, and tells his mom that the people from different colleges had been at the school had been there that day. I pretty much exploded at that point, telling him that this was a bad time to be telling us about his college choices, since he was in danger of failing one of his GOOD classes. I was not happy and wanted him to know it. I told him that what I couldn't figure out was how exactly he had expected to get away with this. The school basically contacts you if the kid farts in the wrong direction. Missing 23 assignments is a really, REALLY sure way of having your parents contacted. He offered no answers, other than pretty much being lazy. So he and I made that long ride home, and when he got home, he proceeded to begin working on the missing 23 assignments. And he continued to work. Until 12:30am the next day. I waited until after midnight, because I wanted to make sure my birthday was finally over. I can't handle many more days like this one.
Gee, I can't wait until next year.
Later,
Jeff
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
I've just seen a face......
"I just saw a face"
.....Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
And I'd have never been aware.
But as it is I'll dream of her.....
The words of Lennon & McCartney rang in my head yesterday morning just after 9am. I was walking out of my office, just like any other day, when someone stopped me in the hall and asked me....well....um....asked me if I knew where the former Mrs Me # 1 worked. And I looked up to point to my office and......
I just saw a face.
Except it wasn't just any face.....it was a face that I knew all too well. It was a face that I had burned into my subconscious. It had been burned into my memory for the last 20 years. It was....the face of a young woman who had been my daughter.
A long time ago, in a place seemingly very far away. And as I looked at her, in what to her was a glance but to me was like a slow motion series of snapshots being taken.
(What did her smile look like?)
(Was her hair the same color I remembered?)
(She's tall. Is that from her mother or her father?)
(Her eyes. I remember those eyes.)
I found myself fumbling for an answer to her question, and then motioned to the door to our office (MY office).
"Yeah, she's in that office over there."
And she began to walk away, towards the door that I had pointed too. Walk away again...out of my life. And as she did, I found myself wondering....wondering why I hadn't done what I had wanted to do for so long.....to tell her who I was. Tell her what she had meant to me....not just a long time ago, but for the whole of the last 20 years....since the day she had been born. I was there ya know. Oh, I'm sure HER MOTHER would just soon forget that little detail, but I was. I was the one who was waiting there when she came out of the delivery room (she had wanted me in there with her but her mother---now there's a story for another time, her mother...oh boy---didn't want me to go in with her. But I was the one who had looked down at that little face and just gazed with wonder at what had happened. And the conversation with the delivery nurse was a classic.
"You the husband?"
"Nope. Wow, honey....you did a great job! She's beautiful!"
"Uh, you the father then?"
"Nope. Man oh man....she's gorgeous!"
"Well if your not the husband and your not the father....who are you?"
"The boyfriend."
"Okay, I admit it. That's a new one on me."
And so she walked away. And I felt all those bad feelings come back again. Not towards her of course. She didn't even know who I was. I'm sure to her, I was just some guy in a hallway giving her directions. I wasn't the guy who had been there with her on Sunday mornings when she woke up in her crib with a smile on her face.
Some people asked me why I hadn't told her who I was. Why? What would be the point? A decision had been made, a long long time ago, by someone else (guess who sports fans) that this beautiful young girl would no longer be regarded as my.....anything. Certainly not my daughter. Not anything. I had no ground to stand on I suppose. So I walked away. I wish I hadn't, not from her at least, but I did.
And so for almost 20 years....there's been this hole there. Right in my lower chest.
Inside. A hole that was all about.....what would she be like if I was still there? How would she be different? How would I be different? Would she have been happier?
Would I have been? Would I have been the one to hear about her first boyfriend?
Would I have heard about all those silly little things that seemingly to mean anything, and yet mean EVERYTHING? But I'll never know....not about her.
But sometimes....sometimes life offers you a 2nd chance. And one day, about 5 1/2 years ago, I met someone....and another little girl came into my life. One that was looking for a daddy. And one day, I told her about that little girl from so long ago, and how maybe I had messed up somewhere and how that's why I had lost her....and then I had gotten a 2nd chance with her and how I didn't want to blow it.
Not again. Not this time. And she told me she didn't think I would. So now, I have my 2nd chance. I love my daughter so much. I call her my little pisspot, cuz that's sorta what she is. She can be full of piss and vinegar when she wants to be....and turn on a dime and be sugar and spice. Funny how that works, huh? People tell me that she looks like me. That she looks as though she really could be mine. And if they only knew how much of a compliment that is to me. Because I remember my friends telling me the same thing.....a long time ago. And maybe that's why I had that face...that face...so etched in my memory. Or maybe its the photo that hangs on her mothers desk. The one that seems to look out at me like a shadow, never seemingly really there....like a ghost. And I wonder if that hole....in its entirety...can ever really be filled. Someone told me that I'm like a parent that gave their child up for adoption and wondered what ever happened to it. My problem is....I know what happened to her...and I see her picture everyday.
And on this day....that picture, for just a brief fleeting moment...came to life.
Because you see......
I've just seen a face..........
Later,
jeff
Monday, October 18, 2004
Movies, movies...and uh....one more movie
So let me catch you up on my movie watching from this past weekend....and...in a bit of good news for readers of this column (thank you...both of you)....WE FINALLY GOT OUR COMPUTER BACK!!! Hey, I loved the laptop, but let me tell you how annoying it was to type the column on the laptop and have the curser jumping all over the place, screwing up your typing.
This weekend's movie report:
1) Man on Fire---I remember over 20 years ago, when I was working at the dreaded World Wide News & Books and I happened upon a little trashy pulp fiction book by AJ Quinnell called Man on Fire. It was a very quick read, fluffy as air but lots of fun, and like I was prone to do, I would try and imagine who would make for a good lead actor in the title role. I think at the time I came up with Ryan O'Neal, and in the late 80's they did make a pretty much direct-to-video version with the great and underrated Scott Glenn, but apparently nobody saw it. This year they've made a version with Denzel Washington, who, given the correct role, can be quite a good actor. They also switched the location of the movie from Italy to Mexico (who knows why?)....but other than that its a fairly good adaption of the book....although, like I said...it was over 20 years ago that I read it. That being said....this is one hell of a violent movie. About an hour into it, I turned to the wife and told her that I didn't think that Denzel was the right man for the role....that maybe what it needed was Samuel L Jackson getting angry and self-righteous. But somewhere along the line....old Denzel reaches inside himself and manages to do a pretty damn good job here. He receives typically good support from Christopher Walken (playing a non-psycho!! What's up with that???), Mickey Rourke (gee, Mickey Rourke is in a movie and the characters are trying to figure out who it is that's the unknown bad guy on the inside---you figure it out) and a special mention goes out to Dakota Fanning, who does a great job being more than just a scared little kid. Very lackluster performance though....by Marc Anthony (???!!??), yep, old J-Lo's husband, as Dakota's dad (and not only is there absolutely no family resemblance---Marc Anthony will pass for a Mexican the day that I do). Anyway, this is a good action film...but be forewarned....some of the violence is waaaaay over the top on the ultra violent side. ***1/2
2) Serpico---how the hell did I go this long as a movie buff and never see Serpico?
Beats the hell out of me! Along with The Godfather, this was the movie that really took Pacino and launched him into the stratosphere as a movie superstar. Although he's very good in the role, this movie was more about Al becoming a "movie star" than an actor. Geez, he's got the whole 70's Barry Gibb hairdo flowing towards the end of the movie. Still, big Al is in very good form as the straight cop who refuses to go along with the rest of the force and take a "little something off the top". You see the very early formations of Al's now annual movie explosion. You know what I'm talking about....Al does a slow burn...and then finally explodes.
"It was not....WHAT I WANTED!!"
Yeah, something like that. As good as the performance is, the story itself is amazing.
And New York in the 70's. Geez, the place looks so freakin dingy and dirty. How could anyone watch a movie like this and actually want to live there? ****
3) National Lampoon's Animal House---the pen-ultimate college movie with a star making turn by John Belushi. All of your favorites are here. Otter, Bluto, Dean Wormer, Flounder, Pinto, D-Day, Neidermayer, etc etc. One of those movies where as you watch you find yourself reciting pieces of dialogue.
"Mr. Blutarski......O.O%."
"I can't believe I threw up near Dean Wormer."
"Face it kid...you threw up ON Dean Wormer."
"Mine's bigger."
"Excuse me?"
"My cucumber....its bigger than the one your holding."
"Double secret probation."
"I'm not gonna go schizo if I smoke this, am I?"
There's just a million of them. And even after at least 20 viewings, I sat back and laughed my ass of. The DVD includes a great retrospective on the making of the movie, including a great story about a brawl between the cast and a local frat house, and a only so-so "in-character feature" which updates us on what the characters are doing with their lives. Skip that one. Watch the movie instead. ****
Later,
jeff
Thursday, October 14, 2004
10/15/04--on death & dying
What does a person think when told that? I mean, deep within the recesses of your heart and mind....what do you think about? Do you accept it with grace and dignity, do you vow to not go quietly into night....how does someone come to grips with the finality of it all? I suppose it must take a great deal of courage to face it...and to be the spouse or son or daughter of someone facing it. Can you truly say everything that needs to be said? Can you truly make all the arrangements?
We faced our own version of finality the other evening. Kim first got Trigger when she was only 15 years old. He had been with her, sleeping at the foot of her bed, through high school, college, and two marriages. But on Tuesday night, Trigger the now 24 year old cat (yep, 24 years old!) began to go into renal (kidney) failure.
The doctor told Kim that while she could begin to give him certain antibiotics and fluids, that it was probably inevitable. He told her that Trigger was the equivalent of a 110 yr old man in a hospice ward. The question was not if, but when. And so Kim had to make the most difficult decision that a pet owner can ever make.....to put down an animal that had been with her longer than anyone or anything other than her father & brother. Kim worried that doing this made her a bad person. Nothing could be further from the truth, the doctor said. Doing this shows courage and compassion for an animal who's time had come (and in the case of a 24 yr old cat---who probably well exceeded his time). I told her of the worst day of my life. The day I found my beloved Lady floating in the pool, either dead of a heart attack or drowning--because her cataracts had rendered her almost blind and her athritis had made her mainly a cripple old dog, but who I couldn't let go of. Who I didn't have the strength and the ability to say goodbye too, even though I had her with me for almost 16 years. I told her that I had failed Lady by not allowing her to go with dignity....and that she shouldn't fail Trigger the same way. And as I told her this, and reminded myself again of Lady....I cried again. Its been 17 years...and I still can't talk about it without becoming emotional. It's something that I wouldn't wish on anyone, especially someone I love as much as Kim. I told her that she didn't want to come home in a day or two and find Trigger laying dead on the floor, having gone through another couple of days of the misery and discomfort that kidney failure brings. Kim told the doctor that her own mother had died from kidney failure, and it offered her a unique insight into the situation. She remembered how miserable her mother had become towards the end.
So, with great sadness, she showed the courage to euthanise Trigger. The doctor was very compassionate and explained everything--that Trigger would simply feel as though he was going to sleep. And after saying her goodbyes, the doctor freed Trigger from his misery and discomfort. He jumped up for just a second, whether from the prick of the needle or some last grasp at life...and then a clearness came into his eyes, as if he took one final glance at the world....and saw the person who had been with him on his journey of 24 years. There with him at the very end.
RIP Trigger....the 24 year old cat.
Jeff
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
10/13/04--movies, movies, movies!
1) Farenheit 9/11----well, if there's one thing you can say about this movie, its that it certainly seems to be one that everyone will, at the very least, have some sort of an opinion on. You either loved or hated Michael Moore's scathing indictment on the Bush administration, the Bush family, and the war in Iraq.
The film is, without question, a propaganda piece. I began watching the film understanding that...accepting that...and realizing that Michael Moore shouldn't plan on any invitations to a family picnic in Crawford, Texas, anytime real soon. Now, that being said....I found that the movie was effective in the first 2/3's, but lost some of its steam in the last part (covering the war in Iraq and those within the military and outside of it's opposition to the action). However, I think the first 2/3's are so amazing, and so captivating, that to declare that you "won't watch that liberal piece of crap", or that its "anti-american" is to really miss the boat. To watch this movie is perhaps the MOST american thing you can possibly do. Why? Because in this country you can watch the movie, think its a total piece of garbage--or agree with 100% of what Moore is trying to say. But that's the point. You have the ability to voice your opinion on it. People in other countries may not. And to say it should not be shown, or censored....is outrageous. True patriotism is to watch the film, listen to the filmmakers views, and either agree or disagree. To avoid watching the film because your republican...or conservative....or pro or anti this or that is taking a very narrow viewpoint indeed. Whether you choose to agree with Moore or not, he makes some very serious allegations against the president's action before 9/11 and directly after, and brings to light some questions about the president & his family's ties to the Saudi royal family--ones that, if true, quite frankly make you really wonder just how objective our president can be in his dealings, on behalf of this country, with Saudi Arabia.
Now, that being said, the final 1/3 of the movie, the part that deals with the war in Iraq and its effects on the citizens of that country and our soldiers, comes off as sort of over the top and hammy, with scenes of the Iraqi children frollicking on the playgrounds days before the first U.S. attack. I guess the whole dictator thing was vastly overrated, huh?
Still...this is a very important movie that should be seen, and talked about. ****
(I'm betting I get a phone call from my dad this very evening)
2) Bubba Hoe-Tep So right about now I'm sure some of you are asking yourself...Bubba Hoe-Tep? What in the Sam Hill is a Bubba Hoe-Tep?
I did a few a personal top 10 list a few weeks ago, and little did I know the other day when I checked out this little gem that I would be altering my list. Just check out the premise......The King, Elvis Presley, did not really die in 1977. The person that died that night at Graceland was an Elvis impersonator, who had switched places with the real King a few months before. The real Elvis, unable to prove who he really is (it was an agreement only the King and the impersonator had known about), manages to eek out a living as...you guessed it...an Elvis impersonator! Currently though, he's living in an East Texas retirement home, recovering from a fall from a stage and generally being a grumpy old man. Now, that right there is a great premise for a movie...but wait...it gets better. Also residing at the nursing home is an older man that "claims" he's really JFK, and that he really didn't die in Texas that day. Only problem is....the man is black. Now...that right there would make a great movie...but wait, it gets better. There have been some mysterious disappearences at the nursing home, which no one really thinks twice about, cuz...ya know...its a nursing home. So Elvis & JFK set about to find out what's behind these mysterious happenings, only to discover the horrible truth. (Here's where it really gets good)
It seems that an Egyptian mummy, recently discovered, has been touring the country and been stolen, and the thieves crashed their car into a river....located right next to the nursing home! (Trust me, this is the greatest plotline in the history of cinema)
This sets up the inevitable, as E & JFK take on the mummy in a no holds barred throw down!! And the best part of all this....I'm not kidding! This is the best B movie I've seen since Big Trouble in Little China. Its not a crappy low budget movie, but a fun filled ride through the mind of a grumpy King of Rock N Roll and his daily foibles (one of which involves a cancerous growth in a location that I will not have the temerity to discuss) Run, don't walk to see this fantastic movie. *****
Now, for the first time in awhile, I'd like to get back to my DVD collection. The last film we discussed (in alphabetical order) was The Abyss, and today we discuss one of the alltime horror classics, Ridley Scott's ALIEN. I remember the original tagline in the promotion for this film--"In space...no one can hear you scream". One of the best films ever at creating a sense of impending dread, as a crew of a cargo spacecraft answers a distress call far out in space....and lets just say picks up a piece of luggage they hadn't counted on, along with finding out just how much their corporation feels their worth. Terrific special effects, and a stellar cast of character actors, including Tom Skerritt, John Hurt, Yaphet Kotto, Harry Dean Stanton & Ian Holm. The movie that made Sigourney Weaver a star, as well as having the greatest pair of underwear a woman ever wore in a horror film. ****1/2 a little intense for the kids though---trust me, I tried.
Later,
Jeff
Monday, October 11, 2004
10/11/04--do you know what I hate?
I hate using my new laptop, and having not once...not twice...but THREE fucking times.....I hit some sort of "DELETE" button and my entry gets wiped out after I type something like 500 words....that shit can't go on.
A weekend of ups and downs. I lost my Uncle Ken Bowdren last weekend. He and my Aunt Gerri had been married for over 50 years and had 7 kids. He was a credit to his community, having been a teacher, and to his family. Uncle Ken loved to drink his Schaefer beer, and the next time you throw back a cold 12 oz, raise one to my Uncle Ken. Not only would he appreciate it, he deserved it.
My sister underwent some major surgery last weekend, but looks on the way to a successful recovery. She's not just good people, she's one of my favorite people on earth, and if its okay with the big man upstairs, I'd like to keep her around for a long, long time. I'm thinking 'bout ya sis.
I've officially decided that as soon as my computer comes back from the shop I'm going to do all my typing on it. The laptop is great, but boy am I sick of this thing deleting shit that I write. Here I go for like the 3rd freaking time with this story.
So the wife and I go to the high school football game on Friday night. The kids are in the band and their school, Ft Lauderdale American Heritage is playing Miami Pace, who's the defending state champs. I tell the wife that it could get ugly for our side in a big hurry, as the kids from Pace are the size of some college teams, while the kids from Heritage (the Patriots) are basically a bunch of slow white guys, with a couple of great athletes thrown in the mix. Well, unbelieveably the Patriots are giving Pace everything they can handle, and with two minutes left in the half the score is 0-0 when the punter for the Pats booms a beautiful 65 yarder that pins Pace on their own 1 yd line. Amazingly, Pace begins a drive that takes them all the way down to the Pats 1 yd line. A 98 yd drive! The clock is down inside 30 seconds and Pace drives into the Pats defensive line twice and is kept out of the endzone, giving the Pats a huge emotional lift at halftime. The 2nd half was close, with Pace taking a slim 10-7 lead with a few minutes left in the game--oh, and I left out a very key element in this whole story...the Pats are using their 4th string QB, since the week before they had lost not one...but TWO of their QB's to season ending injuries, including one particularly grisly looking broken leg (we're talking Joe Theisman-esque). So now, with about 3 minutes left in the game, the Patriots begin an epic drive, complete with
a fake punt. I mean, it was like a great boxing match, with one fighter beginning to wear an opponent down and having him against the ropes...ready for the knockout.
A beautiful misdirection call on the 9 yd line gained 8 yds and put the ball on the l yd line with about 30 seconds left in the game. Sitting right next to me in the bleachers was the coaching staff of Ft Lauderdale Cardinal Gibbons, scouting Pace for a game down the road. They were amazed that the Patriots had now put themselves in a position to defeat the defending state champs.....and then amazingly, the Patriots coach went into brain vaporlock. Pace was out of timeouts, reeling against the ropes, ready to be knocked out....and the Pats head coach called a timeout. I mean to tell you the Gibbons staff went crazy.
"What in the hell is he doing calling a timeout? He's giving them a chance to regroup.
Back from the timeout, a quick smash into the line gained nothing....the clock is ticking....down 20 seconds.....its now 4th and goal. The Pats offense, so creative that whole evening, called for a misdirection play. And the QB.....the fourth string QB....who had up until that point played the game of his life....and with the opportunity to defeat the defending state champions in a game that he, his teammates and the fans of Ft Lauderdale American Heritage would remember for the next 20 years......the QB....TURNED THE WRONG WAY!! He was tackled for a 2 yd loss as the crowd turned silent. The Gibbons coaching staff shook their heads...
"Shoulda never called that damn timeout".
An amazing game that could have been epic....if only for those two words..."what if".
"What if" the QB had turned the right way?
Hey, its all about the thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat baby.
And if that wasn't enough....we had this little gem from the game....during the game three girls from the school, maybe 16 or 17 take a seat right in front of us. During the game, those three are joined by 2 other girls, including one who's.....hmm....how do I put this? She's one of those girls who's wearing an outfit that probably look a lot better on her if she weighed about 25 lbs less. Getmy drift? Anyway, so this girl looks over at one of the 3 original girls and says....and I quote:
"Logan...I just want to say that I didn't mean to call you a lousy skanky ho."
Logan thinks and says...
"Yes you did."
And the new girl says...
"Well if I meant it, I wouldn't be here apologizing."
Meanwhile I see one of the original three girls roll her eyes.
Teenagers. Was I ever one of those?
Friday, October 8, 2004
10/8/04---I hate DELL computers
So last night, for reasons that I'm not exactly I was FINALLY able to go onto my laptop and...(brace yourself here)...surf the net!! Ya know, like you are supposed to do when you have a computer!! And I must say, its damn impressive. LCD display and there's nothing quite like actually seeing the ENTIRE page, of a website instead of having it chopped off on the edge. Something tells me that once we get this thing fixed TOTALLY, that I'm really going to enjoy the laptop. The wife has officially decided that she hates computers and wants nothing to do with them. Women....just because I sit on my fat ass while she does all the technical work...imagine that.
So lost last weekend in all the rush of getting the new dog and the new computer was what was an amazingly heartbreaking....SPORTS NEWS ALERT!! SPORTS NEWS ALERT!!....weekend for my sports teams. UGH.
The Cubs remained....well, remarkably inconsistent in their inconsistency. Give them credit...it takes one hell of an effort to not win a title in like 96 years. I mean geez, the freakin Marlins have only been in existence for 11 years, have gone through 3 of the worst owners in the HISTORY of the game...and still managed to win 2 World Series titles over the last 7 years.....how is it that the Cubs don't have that sort of blind luck? Really, its amazing that they haven't somehow managed to stumble into at least one title in almost 100 years. While I was suffering through that, Notre Dame managed to get their asses handed to them....AT HOME...by Purdue. That now makes 7 of Willingham's 19 losses at ND that have been by MORE than 20 points...and you wanna know why he's in trouble?
Well....I just thought I'd check in and let you know thatI was alive....I can't say the same for my desktop, which is just about 1/2 a step away from the old "reconfiguration".....wipe the old slate clean if ya know what I mean.
More tomorrow...including a great football game tonight and the incredibly stupid way that the team I supported BLEW the game....am I cursed???
Later,
JEFF
Tuesday, October 5, 2004
10/5/04--Part Deux
Part 2---the birthday gift. So a few weeks ago, the wife starts asking me what I want for my birthday gift. I had talked for awhile about getting a laptop, mainly so I can take my computer with me on trips, as well as having the ability to watch DVD's whenever we go anywhere. So we had been watching the ads, waiting to see if something interesting would pop up. Saturday night we went to the DELL store in the mall, got approved for one, but I thought it was a little expensive, so we didn't get it. The next day I saw an ad at Best Buy that had a SONY laptop for a pretty nice price with no interest for almost a year and a half. So I decide to call one of my computer guru's to get some advice. I call big bro to get some input:
"So, uh...given the choice....would you buy a DELL or a SONY laptop?" I ask.
"Oh hell...definitely DELL....good computer plus superior support services.
"Really....hmm...cuz I can get the SONY from Best Buy with no interest for a year and a half.
"Well....ya know, they have a good technical team at Best Buy too. Screw DELL.
Get the Sony. Ya know....all the damn computers are really the same basically."
That's what I like....a man who allows himself to be influenced by a key phrase.
Like....."NO INTEREST FOR 18 MONTHS".
So I go down to Best Buy with the wife, cuz let's be honest....I know nothing about computers. I've had one now for 7 years, and if you ask me to defrag one, the only way I would know is to call a friend and get the instructions step by step. (That's a hint by the way....someone send me an email with the instructions. PUHLEEZE!)
So we get there....and naturally after selling me on what a terrific deal the SONY is, the sales guy comes over and announces that they've sold out. Sold out? The damn thing just got advertised today! (Don't you love shit like that?) So he calls a couple of other stores to find out if they have one...and of course...they don't. So I offer to buy the one on the sales floor, and after some negotiating, we agree on a price. (Let's just say that I won't be paying for that 3 year full warranty thank you very much) So they go and install all their various insundry programs, I pick the thing up...take it home....and discover that the sales guy has given us the wrong wireless router. (Props to my man Greg the Cable Guy for discovering that) So Kim gets on the phone and calls the company that makes the router. She wants to find out if the wireless router for a broadband router will work on a DSL.....why yes it will. (which of course begs the question----then why the hell do you make two different ones????) We then discover that our next problem is the fact that the damn internet explorer on my computer still will not FREAKIN WORK!! Its only been 6 mos, but hey...who's counting?? Of course, now its really putting a burr in my ass because I need to go online to register my laptop at the wireless router site. Only one problem. I can't get online!! Well....I probably should phrase it like...."Kim can't get online", as I hear the gentle cursing beginning by the computer monitor.
So the guy from Bellsouth tries to help her figure out why the internet explorer isn't working.....for 3 and a half hours they try....and it ain't working. So the next day, I'm talking to the Cable Guy, who had burned me a copy of Microsoft Explorer download---only its not working too. So I go to the Microsoft site, and as CG is walking me through the process he utters these famous words.....
"....and so you see the thing about Windows Update?"
"Um...yeah."
"Well, as long as your there...you might as well update your Windows. When's the last time you updated?"
"Updated? Um....I'm supposed to be updating stuff?"
You could practically hear CG's hand slapping his head with the Homer Simpson
"DOH!" over the phone.
"Uh...I think we may have located part of the problem," CG says.
So then I begin the download....and CG asks me how long the computer is saying that I'm going to need to update....CG says his computer (updated weekly remember) usually needs a couple of minutes to update all the latest stuff. How long does it say its going to take my computer?
"Um....3 and a half hours."
"Call me later."
I guess my computer needed some updating. And today, I'm proud to say....the internet explorer.....still isn't working. See why I don't know computers?
Later,
Jeff
Okay...I lied...its 10/5/04
Alrighty....so here's part 1 of my weekend recap.....
1) The new addition to our family. So as you may remember from a few weeks ago, the kids and I have basically been giving the wife some grief about adopting another dog. After the whole hurricane thing, there was a rather extensive article in the local paper about the animals that had been displaced by the storms, and were looking for new homes...ya know...that sort of thing. Anyway, we were planning on going a week ago, but you know...the whole Hurricane Jeanne thing put a bit of a damper on the visit. So Saturday morning we headed off to an animal shelter in Boca that's a "no kill" site and checked out a couple of potential candidates. There was one that was kinda cute (hey! I know someone by that name!) named Mindy, who was a Schnauzer mix and very affectionate. But I decided that I wanted to go down to the Humane Society in Broward and check out what they had to offer, especially since they had advertised a Border Collie was available....since that's what my boy Midnight is, I wanted to take a gander. I also selected 4 other potentials. Well, when we got there, it was the old "good news, bad news" scenario, as every single dog that I had picked out on the website had been adopted (I mean--that's not really BAD news--just disappointing) and the place was absolutely MOBBED with people trying to adopt an animal (which is good news). Well we settled on two finalists to look at, a Catahoula (which is a hunting dog from Louisiana) and an Akita. As it turned out, there was a hold on the Catahoula, so we decided to look at the Akita.....a very affectionate girl named Jasmine (which is a horrible name). She was very sweet, and besides all that she was a return--apparently her owner had her for a couple of years before becoming ill and having to give her up--which meant that if we wanted her we could take her home that very day. That would give us a chance to let her and the fellas get to know one another (which was viewed as a positive).
Her chart said that she was good with kids, other dogs, cats and potty trained. The deal, as they say, was sealed and Jazz happily jumped into the car for the ride to her new home. She seemed pretty happy, especially since she had been at the Humane Society for 3 weeks (hey, I'd be relieved also). We decided to have the first meeting with the fellas across the street, sothat we could establish all the psychological boundaries and she wouldn't be perceived as "invading their turf".
UGH! The hoops I jump through for dogs! My worries weren't warranted as within a few hours Midnight & Jazz were chasing each other around the kitchen table, playing like they had known each other all their lives. Beezer on the other hand, seemed a tad depressed. Kim & I think he was reacting as if he had lost his buddy Midnight to the new dog. But I realize that eventually they will all get used to one another and get along fine. There's really no aggressive behavior, other than the occasional growl when Midnight gets too close to Jazz's food bowl. Hey, I do the same thing when one of the kids won't pass me a roll with dinner.
So the next day....we were coming home from the trip to Best Buy (that would be Part 2 of the story today) and as I opened the door, Jazz decided to check out the rest of the neighborhood. OMAN! She decided to sprint for the end of the street, and thankfully decided to head west, instead of going towards University Drive. So I'm running after her, and truth be told, my ass is waaaaay to fat and waaaaay too old to be chasing some damn dog around the neighborhood. Thankfully, someone on the next street over had his dogs on the front porch, and Jazz decided to go over and see what the heck they were up too. I ran up to get her, and Jazz makes another bolt for it. I did the old Golden Glove grab for her collar and made a spectacular catch....thereby saving my wife the trouble of admitting me into the hospital with heart failure. Needless to say, Jazz will NOT be going outside without the leash for QUITE awhile.
Other than that....she's fitting in, chasing the cats, roughhousing with the fellas, and demanding a treat whenever the mood strikes her. Typical woman!
Part 2 later....
jeff
10/06/04---A.M.--where the hell have I been?
A very good question....and one that I actually plan on answering!! 'Cepting, its time to go to work....but if you come back later today, I'll have details on a weekend full of drama. Among the highlights...
1) The new addition to our family
2) My birthday gift from Kim
3) Drama involving my computer---which coincides with where I've been
4) Sports heartbreak over the weekend
5) Basic other shit too
For all these stories and more...check back this evening...sorry about the problems, but...let's be honest...you live for this and you enjoy watching me suffer!
Later,
Jeff