August 29, 2006---Once more...into the breach we go

Down here in south Florida, they call it...."the cone of uncertainty".  Or, the wiseguys on radio call it..."the cone of death".  Yes, it must be late summer, because once again we're looking a hurricane in the face again.  Well, maybe not a hurricane--technically.
As I right this, its a tropical storm, which means that its a few miles-an-hour short of being a legitimate hurricane.  Not that I have a problem with that mind you.
We got brushed by Katrina last year, elbowed in the mouth by Wilma, and just missed getting piledriven by countless others.  Of course, that doesn't mean that we still don't have the usual amount of idiots on television who say that they are "looking forward to going through a hurricane", so that they can "see what its like".  Seriously.
What sort of idiot do you have to be to make a comment like that?  I sure don't hear anyone up in Oklahoma talking about how much they look forward to a tornado.
I don't recall hearing anyone from California begging for another earthquake so they can live the experience.
Nitwits.
Meanwhile we'll continue to watch the news and hope that the storm continues to stay at tropical storm intensity.  Last year, when we had the two hurricanes impact us, the downtown Ft Lauderdale area took a major hit, with the courthouse having windows blown out and the school board building having one whole side of the place lose literally EVERY single window.  Maybe that's why, late yesterday, that we were told that the courthouse was going to be closed Tuesday, Wednesday AND Thursday for a storm that at the time was a tropical storm.  The first thought that everyone had was..."there is NO WAY they are going to close the building for that long".  Of course, I'm sure the feeling was a "better safe than sorry" sort of thing....and I'm going to hope that I get a free 3 day pass during the week for a storm that doesn't impact us as badly as we might have feared.  Time to catch up on some reading and watch a few movies.
Stay dry and safe.

Later,
Jeff

8/27/06---Its Almost THAT Time!!!!!

8/26/06---Something to make you feel old

So the other night...before the first day of school for the kids, Kim & I sat them down for the old pep talk....telling them how important it was to really focus, since both of them were in high school and their grades would REALLY start counting on their transcripts...ya know, that sort of thing.

So after the first day of school, I get home and ask the kids how school went.  They both said it had been a good day and that all their assigned homework was already done.  Well....we were off to a good start.....until......

So later that night...I don't know, around...9ish....Kim is looking at some of the paperwork that they had brought home and calls Kellie out to the living room.  She's looking at the itenarary for Kellie's Introduction to Law class.  Now, let me first tell you that in the course of that little "pep talk" we had with the kids, I told Kellie that she had really better be ready for a lot of writing and reading in her law class---because, ya know, that's what lawyers do.  So Kim asks Kellie if she had any homework for the next day....Kellie says no....and then Kim points out on the itenarary that there is a project do for Friday....Kellie has to find 3 articles in a magazine or newspaper dealing with a legal issue and then right a 200 word summary on each article.

"So did you know about this?" Kim asks her.
"Yes."
"So when were you planning on doing this?"
"Well I have the rest of the week."

Again at this moment allow me to point out that on Tuesday and Thursdays the kids have band practice and don't get home until around 8:30.  Which doesn't leave a lot of time for homework when your bedtime is 10pm.

So Kellie is trying to figure out what article to look into...and since of course, dear old Dad works at the courthouse...figures I can help.

"Well, right away," I tell her, "you can do one of the papers on the guy they arrested for killing JonBenet."
"Okay."
"There's been tons of stuff on that in the newspaper over the last 3 days or so."
"Okay."

Dramatic pause.

"Who's JonBenet?" she asks me.

And then I remembered that JonBenet was murdered when Kellie was 4 years old.
Man...has that much time gone by?

So Kellie is writing her paper...and I'm trying to explain to her just how crazy the media coverage was of JonBenet's death....and I actually said the following:

"It was on every newscast.  It was like....it was like O.J."

And then she asked me if I was talking about that guy who got arrested in Miami last year for hitting the guy in traffic and broke his sunglasses.

Nicole?  Ron Goldman?   She had NO IDEA.  Because, of course...she was 4 years old when that event happened.

And I felt very old.

Later,
Jeff

8/20/06--that sound....that horrible sound....

So this weekend was the lovely Kellie's 14th birthday...and after dinner, at her request, we took her to see (drumroll)....SNAKES ON A PLANE.

And the damned movie couldn't decide what it wanted to be.  Was it a horror?  Was it a comedy?  It never really did decide, so I have to give it a reluctant thumbs down.
It could've been an outstanding horror movie....or a really funny spoof...instead, it was neither.  Disappointing.

Then today...we were enjoying a relaxing Sunday at home. And I went into the kitchen to pour myself something to drink (and I mean juice by the way) and then.....well, I have to go back to a scene from one of my alltime favorite movies.

Did you ever see A Christmas Story?  Ya know...the little kid who wants a BB gun for Christmas back in the late 1940's, but his parents refuse to buy him one?  Well, there's a great scene in the film....where his father had gotten this lamp....or maybe it really was a fabulous prize...or a work of art...but anyway, there was this lamp--and the kid's father LOVED the lamp....and the mother hated it.  Couldn't stand the sight of it.
So one night...the kid is sitting at the table eating....and the father is in the basement cursing up a storm trying to fix the furnace....when the mother leaves the room to "clean"
and suddenly there is this loud crash.  And the father comes flying up the stairs....looks at the little kid and says:
"What was that noise?"
Kid shrugs his shoulders.  Then, the mother comes from around the corner, holding the pieces of the broken lamp.  And a meltdown ensues.  Its all very funny.

Of course....in my world.....today.....so I'm pouring myself a drink, and my daughter is setting the dinner table....and I hear this sound....this.....crash.
"What was that noise?"

I practically shoved my wife out of the way and ran towards the dining room---and saw my daughter...standing over my laptop...which was on the floor (as opposed to the TABLE...which is where it used to be)......meltdown ensued.

"It was an accident...she didn't mean to knock it over."
"I know, I know."

I turned the computer on.....some lights beeped....the microsoft tune sounded....and then it went blank....nothing came on the screen.....nada.
This wasn't good....this wasn't good at all.

My wife has learned over the years that the best thing to do in meltdown moments like this is to leave-me-alone.  I stewed for awhile and then called my brother.  I explained what happened and received the following encouraging words.

"Oh....uh....I've never heard of THAT before."   (This is NOT a good sign)

I went into my daughter's room.  I'm sure she was expecting some yelling.

"Did you do it on purpose?"
"NO!"
"Well, then that's what we call an accident, okay?  And while I'm going to be upset about my computer.....I'm NOT upset at you, okay?  It was accident."

I'm off to see the GEEKSQUAD at the old Best Buy tomorrow.  And if the news is bad....somewhere, softly in the distance as you lay in bed tomorrow night....you might be able to hear "Taps" blowing in the distance.

And you won't understand that last paragraph unless you saw the movie.

Later,
Jeff

8/13/06-My favorite movie opening....EVER

As a service to you, beloved reader....and because we're essentially up to date and all.....I thought I'd throw you a little treat....here is the opening monologue to the # 2 rated movie on my personal top 10....but the opening is just the greatest.  Check it out:

My life fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories. I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember the Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'.

To understand who he was, you have to go back to another time. When the world was powered by the black fuel. And the desert sprouted great cities of pipe and steel. Gone now, swept away. For reasons long forgotten, two mighty warrior tribes went to war and touched off a blaze which engulfed them all. Without fuel they were nothing. They built a house of straw. The thundering machines sputtered and stopped. Their leaders talked and talked and talked. But nothing could stem the avalanche. Their world crumbled. The cities exploded. A whirlwind of looting, a firestorm of fear. Men began to feed on men.

On the roads it was a white line nightmare. Only those mobile enough to scavenge, brutal enough to pillage would survive. The gangs took over the highways, ready to wage war for a tank of juice. And in this maelstrom of decay, ordinary men were battered and smashed.

Men like Max. The warrior Max. In the roar of an engine, he lost everything. And became a shell of a man, a burnt out, desolate man, a man haunted by the demons of his past, a man who wandered out into the wasteland. And it was here, in this blighted place, that he learned to live again.


The Road Warrior....Jeff sez.....check it out.

Later,
Jeff

Here he is...in all his leatherclad glory....and before a drunken night in Malibu!!  :)

8/8/06---Good Lord Almighty...we appear to be...up to date!

So last night Kim's father and brother very graciously took us out to dinner for a belated birthday dinner for Kim.  We went to the Original Steahouse & SportsTheatre restaurant, which is right down the street.
I had a lovely NY strip...and baked potato...and we returned home.

This morning, at work, I'm getting ready to go to court when I get a phone call.

My wife, and I love her, advises me that she had left her purse at the restaurant.  Yesterday.  And just realized it.  Needless to say, she was in full-on panic mode.
That, and the fact that we had a crew coming over within a few minutes to install our bedroom carpets...and she was as close to freaking out as.....well, let's just say that not much makes my wife TRULY freak out.

Damn the luck, it forced me....I mean to tell you, it FORCED me to leave work early.
And I think you all know how much I hate to do that.  I swung by the restaurant, which hadn't opened yet....and banged on the outside window until luckily someone came to the door.  I explained the situation and the manager told me that they had the purse in the back office.  He quickly got the purse and I thanked him profusely for ending my wife's short psychological nightmare.  I brought the purse to my wife at home, who greeted me like I was Patton rolling into Paris, circa 1944.

It really did pain me to leave work early though.

Later,
Jeff

8/8/06--Visiting Sis....jetski's, Irish tan & Apple Cider Vinegar!!

So this past weekend I took the brood up to J-town....Jacksonville....Jax...to visit my sister and her husband John.  We had an excellent time, mainly because we had decided to go there in lieu of going to Key West, where the hotel rooms were running like $200 a night....so even if we had a terrible time in Jacksonville....we were going to save money.  So....on Saturday the bro-in-law offers to take the kids and I out in his new jetski's.  It was really nice of him to offer that, but I felt really bad that Kim, on her birthday, couldn't participate because of her recent hand surgery and the stitches, etc.
The last thing she needed was to get the wound doused in some lovely river water.
So the five of us, sis...bro-in-law..myself...and the two youngun's went (cue the Springsteen music)....."down to the river....".  (Okay, allow me to say, if you are as big a Bruce fan as I am, that right now you are going..."I LOVE that song!")
So we're going to a "secret location", at least....sort of.  John must know half the people in Jacksonville, because I swear to God the man has more connections than a Lego set.
So the location we're going too is a boat ramp that apparently not a lot of people know about, owned by this semi-crusty old lady named Ms. Clark.  The drive was fairly interesting in getting there.  We drive off the main road and procede down this dirt path, past some fairly beat up looking trailers and a group of people that could best be described as the extras from "The Hills Have Eyes".  We get to the boatramp, which is located right off this.....well....I suppose its either an inlet or a small pond, depending on your own particular outlook.
The water in the small inlet could best be described as....uh....not clean.  This isn't a spot to go swimming, ya know?  I'm looking out there thinking..."God, please don't let me fall into the water HERE."  So John backs the trailer into the water and gets us all set up and ready to go.  He & I go out for a quick spin just to make sure I have a feel for how powerful the watercraft is and know how to turn it on and off, etc.  Then we go pick up the my sister and the kids.  Rene gets on with her husband, the kids get on with me.  Now, I need to point out right here (as a reference for later in the day) that on the way to the water we had stopped off and gotten some sun-block.  I was already to go!
Of course, did I mention that as we were leaving I forgot to put the sun-block on?
So mind you, the whole morning all Kellie had been saying is...."Don't get me killed."
Five minutes after we're out into the river that changed too..."Go faster!"  We made our way into the main part of the St John's River, which is one of the biggest rivers in the country (3 miles wide at one point).  As we got used to the jetski's, John and I had fun racing each other, breaking off into circles and generally, trying to scare our riders.
As we got towards the later portion of our trip...I made one of those....hmm.....decisions that...AT THE TIME...seemed like a really good idea.  You know those sort of things I'm referring too?  Yeah, I thought so.  Anyway, my brilliant idea was that I was going to let each of the kids have a quick turn at actually operating the jetski.  The one that I had gotten up to 51 mph.  Yeah, that one.  So Kellie is first, and as she slips into the driving position you can just tell that she is really psyched.
I begin to tell her that she needs to slooooowwwwllllyyyy squeeze the accelarator.
Yeah right.  So after a couple of aborted attempts, she's beginning to head towards the sort of swampy area by the inlet, so I tell her to turn and head the other way.  So she turns.  Suddenly.  As in....way too hard and way too fast.
As my head broke the water I forgot that my sunglasses were on my head.  $7 down the drain...or should I say, into the river.  We managed to get back on the craft as Rene and Johnny laughed (sort of ) sympathetically nearby.  Johnny remarked that we had continued a fine family tradition since my brother had done the same time the first time he had taken a ride on the jetski's.
So after we had finished and were making our way home, I sort of glanced in the old rearview mirror and noticed the redness beginning to take hold on my face.  Yep, it looked like I was on my way to having the old Irish tan.  After I got back to my sister's house, she applied a liberal amount of aloe vera to help the sunburn I was actively developing.  We went out to dinner that evening, where Andy continued his new found obsession with fried chicken, and it was pretty obvious that my face was going nuclear.
My sister suggested when we got home that I try one of her.....home remedies.  Trust me, she has a zillion of them.  This one involved putting apple cider vinegar on my face in order to "bring out the heat" on my face and to eventually turn my burn into a St Tropez tan. 
A few days later, I can honestly report that my sunburn improved quite a bit.  At least on my face.  Of course, I still have to explain why the top of my head has a glow that would make 3 Mile Island proud.  My sister named it George.

Later,
Jeff

8/7/06---Kim's surgery

So I forgot to mention that last week Kim had some minor surgery on her hand.  I really hate to call any sort of surgery "minor", but considering she was in surgery all of about 10 minutes....I'm not sure exactly how else to refer to it.

We got up at 4:45am (AAARRRGGGHHH) and made our way to the surgery center, which is truly an amazing thing to behold.  Its like fast food surgery.  You go in, you get prepped, you have your surgery....and your out before lunch.  Amazing.  Kim was going in for some carpal tunnel problems that she was having with her left hand (just a tad ironic considering that's the condition that she treats at work).  She was a little aghast that she had to go in without makeup, no contact lenses and with a pair of gym shorts.
She gets there and they take her in, and begin prepping her.  After about 10 minutes they allowed me to go in and sit with her for a few minutes, as she has the tube up her nose and coming out of her arms, etc etc.  I told her just how sexy and desireable that she was to me at that very moment.  Husbandly support, that's what I'm all about.

They start the drip of the feel good juice, and Kim starts telling me "how relaxed she feels".  Oooh baby....only the good stuff.  I'm escorted out.....they begin to wheel her in....and before I have a chance to finish my magazine article....she's out and in the recovery room.  Unbelieveable.  I was even more amazed that a woman there was going in for cataract surgery that morning and would be released later in the day.  Back in the late 70's my mother had cataract surgery and was in the hospital for almost 4 days.  Technology.

So after a few minutes the nurse came over and told me that if I wanted too, I could start helping Kim get ready to go home.  They pulled a curtain for privacy, and then Kim told me that I needed to help her get dressed, since she had her left hand and wrist tightly bandaged and immobilized.  I reached into her clothing bag and pulled out her blouse....at which point Kim reminded me that the bra goes first.  Hey, I thought maybe she was going to be footloose and fancy free and just let them go free.  So I'm helping her with the bra, and having a slight bit of difficulty....and then told her that the problem was obviously the fact that I'm used to taking the bra off....not putting it back on.  Ahem.
After that I buttoned up her blouse and tied her shoes for her....I really was being a pretty good husband.  The nurse came over and complimented me on helping her out.
I displayed mock outrage that Kim would not be cooking dinner or rubbing my back that evening.

We got home and I fixed Kim some breakfast.  Froot Loops.  Nothing but the good stuff.  So then came the big moment.  Kim asked me to follow her to the bathroom.
No, not for that.  She wanted to make sure that she would be able to get her shorts back up.  A couple of moments later, she let me know that everything was okay.  That was the moment that the germ of a truly wicked idea came to my mind.

Kim returned to the table and I called Kellie out.  I told her that I need to talk to her about something very serious and grownup.  I told her that her mom and I had just realized that there was something we hadn't realized that we might need her help on.
Because, I said, obviously we couldn't ask her brother to do this.  She nodded her head seriously and said she was prepared to do whatever she needed to do to help.
I told her, in my most serious voice, that because of the surgery on her wrist, her mother might have a situation where, you know, she has to use the bathroom.....and, ya know, afterwards.....might have a problem with.....ya know......reaching around and.....ya know.......

Kim laughed after a few seconds.  But before she did.....the look on Kellie's face.
The look of horror at the possibility of having too....ya know.  Kellie turned to me and told me I was very mean--laughing while she said it---and I told her that it was worth it, if only for those few seconds when she wildly thought that she was going to have too.....

Ya know.

Later,
Jeff

8/6/06--The Rug story....a story of obsession

So last weekend, I was a dutiful husband and went shopping with my wife.  I figured, what with the football season approaching and all....that I'd get in some quick brownie points before the  first pigskin gets tossed.  What happened next could only be described as.....obsession.

After a quick trip to the mall to purchase our daughter's mega-birthday gift, Kim asks me if we could stop by the old Home Depot to look at some rugs.  Now we had our living room floor tile restained and sealed, and it was about that time that Kim realized that the rugs we had under the dining room table and coffee table had....in a word...gone to the dogs.  As in, loaded with dog hair and smelling distinctly like....well, dog. 

So we go in and start looking at rugs.  Now, our number one carpet offender is Jazz, she of the white fur and countless rug naps...so I'm looking for a lightly colored rug...maybe something in a white or beige.  So I pick out two....and naturally the store doesn't have enough in stock.  We continue to look.  The wife points out what can only be described as a pea-green monstrosity and asks me for an opinion.
"Uh, no." I replied.
"You don't like it?"
"Nope."

The search continues.  I'm beginning to realize that there really isn't anything else that strikes my fancy when Kim returns to the monstrosity.

"You SURE you don't like this one?"
"No.  Sorry, I just don't like it."
"What about for the computer room?"
"Uh...honey, no offense...but that's the 3rd time you've asked how I like that green rug and I just don't see my answer changing.  I don't like it."

Then, something very rare in our marriage happened.  Kim walked out of the store without saying a word (her silence precludes me from using the phrase "stormed out")
and got in the car.

It was a short drive home, but it was a long ride....know what I mean?

So we're back home, and Kim goes into the bedroom and lays down on the bed, under our fan.  A couple of minutes go by and I go into the room.

"You done being mad at me?"
"I'm not mad at you."
"Okay, are you done being FRUSTRATED with me?"
"Yes."

Dramatic pause.

"I think I'm going to go to Wal-Mart and look at rugs."
"Honey!  You do realize that you have two weeks off, don't you?  Why don't you just wait until tomorrow...that way you can take your daughter with you? Lord knows she never gets tired of going to Wal-Mart."
"Hmm....I guess so."

Her brother and father are over at the house....and we're watching the Cubs game on t.v. (Why I have NO IDEA).  So I'm getting ready to throw some steaks on the barbie and ask Kim when I should start.....she tells me to hold off for 10 minutes because she's going to run to Publix to pick something up.

45 minutes later.......I'm wondering where in the Sam Hill my wife is.  I pick up the cellphone and call her.

"Hello."
"Where are you?  Are you all right?"
"I'm at the North Lauderdale Home Depot looking at rugs."

Ugh.

She ended up going to Wal-Mart the next day---like I suggested---and found two rugs.
Boy, when she grabs a hold of something.....she just doesn't wanna let go.

Later,
Jeff