3/30/05---I'm a dog person

So its about time I told you about my other children.  My dogs (and besides that, it leads into another good story that I'll follow it up with) are a major part of my life, and my wife often wonders who the REALLY important someone is in my life.
I make no bones about it (pun NOT intended), and tell her that my boy Midnight is the light of my life.  She seems to handle it well.  So, here's my dog stories:

Dog #1--is Beezer.  He was named after the hockey goalie John Van Biesbrouck, who the fans called "The Beez".  Kim named him before I even came into the picture, and meeting someone who had named a dog after a hockey player was a point in her favor.  We call him The Beez, Beedley Weedley.....ya know, all those goofy "extra" names you give your pets.  He's 108lbs of loveable (yet unquestionably stupid) Golden Retriever//Yellow Labrador mix.  He's our dog with an oral fixtation.
No, really.  Whenever someone comes in the front door, whether its me or someone who's never even been to the house, Beezer runs to get a toy or pillow to carry in his mouth.  No, not to give as a present.  It just makes him feel relaxed I guess.  He really belongs in therapy--in a good way though.
Dog #2 is of course, my Midnight.  He's my boy, what can I say.  I tell everyone he's really my other son.  He's an 80lb Border Collie mix and really incredibly smart.
We call him Midnight, Bubba, Mr Shifty, Sneaky Pete and about a thousand other names.  He's pretty much an endless source of entertainment.  His only fault is a bark that would wake the dead.  So, whenever anyone knocks on the door--the dead awaken around here.  We usually have little "father-son" talks after work, and he sits in the same spot by bed when I get home....."waiting to tell me about his day".
He's a total pistol.  Boy do I love that dog.
Dog #3 is our newest dog....our hurricane rescue.....Jazzy.  We call her Jazzy Doodle, Jazz or...my personal favorite....the White Boned Demon.  She's the type of dog that when you hear something break on the other side of the house, you almost instinctively know that she's somehow involved.  A 70lb Shiba Inu//Corgi mix, she's my little sprinter that you may have read about a couple of articles ago.  As Kim likes to put it---"she TRIES to be a good girl".  And man does she have some ears!
I mean, you could rent condos in those ears their so big.

I've been pretty lucky with dogs over my life.  When I was 10 years old, my parents got me my beautiful Lady, who I had for almost 16 years.  She was my best buddy throughout childhood--which is either really sweet, or slightly pathetic, depending on your point of view I suppose.  My next dog was my recently deceased Misty girl, who I owned with the former Mrs Me # 2 until---well, let's just say she got custody of Misty and looking back at my marriage.....I sure missed that dog.

When Kim and I began seeing each other, I got really attached to the Beez and he basically became my next dog.  I've been pretty lucky with my pooches I suppose.
I'll try and throw some photos of Beez &Midnight when I get a chance.  Up above is a photo of the White Boned Demon herself....

Later,
Jeff.

3/26/05--a little dose of humility

So last weekend, before the tragic car accident I wrote about in my last column, a funny thing happened.  I realized that I had hit middle age.  And I mean....hard.

Andy was out walking Beezer, our orally fixated Golden//Yellow Lab mix.  As he was leaving I asked him to bring in the newspaper when he came back in.  He had opened the door to let Beezer in, and then stepped in to put the newspaper on the couch, when.........Jazzy.....our new dog.....our "white-boned demon"....saw an opening.

It was like Deion Sanders seeing an opening on a punt return.  WHOOOOOSH!!
Jazzy saw her spot and was out the door like she was shot out of a cannon.  Now I'm sitting there in a pair of shorts and nothing else, God knows looking as sexy as I could possibly look.....and I take off after her.  She was looking back at me, mocking me......I just know it.....and it was about that time that all that extra "baggage" that I had added since my early 20's began to weigh me down.  Now, believe it or not, my main concern was her getting either:
A) Hit by a car
B) Into some scrap with another dog that someone might be walking

I figured I'd strangle her....after I got her home.

So there's my Jazzy Doodle just trotting along, seemingly laughing her ass at me, and I look ahead and see one of our neighborhood morning walkers.  And Jazz is trotting right past her....and the lady does NOTHING.  UGH.  I mean, get in her way if you don't want to try and grab her, ya know?  So by now....she's way, way ahead of me, almost a block or so, and in between realizing I was fast approaching the need for an oxygen mask and or a coronary bypass......I heard something behind me.
And then.....blowing by me....with nary a heavy breath or a bead of sweat....comes my 15 year old son--he of the soccer and tae kwon do conditioning regiment.
I've now basically said 'screw it', and I'm walking (hey, I was walking fast, okay?).
And I watch Andy give her chase, and as she stops to sniff something or other, he reaches out and grabs her.
I then her my wife pulling up behind me in her SUV, looking all stylish in her nighty.
Andy is standing there with Jazzy.

"Do NOT...(wheezing).....let....(gasping)....that.....little BITCH.....go.  (passing out)

He eventually handed her off to me and we pushed her (okay, maybe "threw her" would be a better way of describing it) into the SUV, where she stared out the window at all the lovely sights, having a grand old time.
Andy couldn't help but laugh.  Me?  I was remembering back in my 20's when I could ride my bike 15 miles a day.  Boy was THAT a long time ago.

So we get her back home, I curse a little, throw her in the backyard.....and recover.
About half an hour later, Kim....my beloved wife and bastian of good sense...says:

"Uh, you know that she has no idea why she's being punished, don't you?"

I looked up at her and then looked out the back door at Jazz, who was sitting there at the door, just grinning from ear to ear.

I let her in...and by God, I gave her a stern lecture!  And she just smiled.
"You know," I told her, "we got you from an animal shelter...the least you could do is show some appreciation!"

And then I thought about Andy, running her down as I lay behind gasping for my life.
Truly, I may be Lord of the Manor....King of the Castle....Master of my own Domain.....but geez, my son is in WAAAAY better shape than me.
How humiliating!

Later,
Jeff

3/21/05--Sometimes...there is no reason.

Her name was Madeline.  Her friends called her Maddie.  She had just moved here from New Jersey a little less than a year ago.  She liked basketball.  She especially liked to play basketball, and tried to encourage her friends to play also.  She liked music.  She was an honors student and said to be very nice.
She was 12 years old.  12 years old.  She hadn't had a chance to even live half a lifetime.  She didn't have a boyfriend.  She hadn't fallen in love.  She hadn't had a chance to have someone break her heart, recover, and then fall in love again.
She left before her friends could say goodbye.  She left before they could tell her that they cared about her, before they could tell her that they liked her smile.

And now Maddie is gone.  She's gone because someone named Jeffrey Melvin, who was apparently quite a charming fellow, decided--after beating and raping his girlfriend--to go for a ride on I-75 west of Ft Lauderdale afterwards....and then just say to hell with it all and end his life.  Except, Mr. Melvin decided in that instant that rather than just go out on his own, that he'd take someone else with him.  It was his ultimate act of selfishness in a selfish life.  His own life apparently ruined by his own acts (and let's not forgot the woman who he brutalized here), he decided to jump a median and collide with another car.  His own life ended there, but so did the life of Madeline Lisy, age 12, her sister Monica, age 18 & their mother Christine.  And now their father and younger brother, age 5, are with out their mother, daughters & sisters.
I cannot even fathom what the father is going through.  He's lost the woman who he had planned on sharing his life with, but his two daughters.  He won't have the opportunity to walk his daughters down the aisle....to watch them have children.
He has lost those future family reunions.  A young boy has lost his mother.  He won't have a mother who will let him cry on her shoulder when he gets scared or confused.
He won't have his older sisters to give him advice about girls as he gets older.
So many lives thrown into turmoil because of one horrible, selfish decison by one man.
But there are other lives thrown into turmoil.  I had just gotten to work this morning when my wife called.  She had picked up the newspaper and read the account of the horrible trafficaccident, when she came upon the names of the victims.  And she read the name Madeline Lisy, age 12.  And she knew that Madeline Lisy was the same little girl who had come to our daughter's birthday party in August.  The same Madeline Lisy who had traveled to Orlando just two days before with our daughter for a field trip to SeaWorld.  The same Madeline Lisy who shared a history class with our daughter.  So Kim had read the newspaper and called me at work.  She was worried that Kellie would get a phone call from a classmate at home and hear the news without one of us being there.  So she told Kellie not to answer her phone until I got home.  Kellie was sure that she had done something to get herself in trouble, despite her mom's assurances.
And so I began a rather long drive home, trying to play the scene in my mind.  How I was going to tell my daughter that one her friends was gone.  I called my parents, asking for advice.  I tried to call my sister--because she had something similar happen to her when she was in high school.  And then I got home....and sat down my daughter at the dinner table.  I told her that....sometimes....things happen and there just is not a reason why they happen.  I told her that I had something that I needed her to know, that it was going to her very sad....but that part of going through life is learning that sometimes good things happen and bad things happen.
And then I placed the article from the newspaper in front of her, and asked her to read it.  She began reading it with a quizical look on her face, as if wondering why I wanted her to read this.  And then she got to the names of the victims, and she burst out crying.   And watching her cry over the loss of her friend made my heart slowly begin to break into a thousand little pieces.  Another life thrown into turmoil by the selfish act of one man.  Kellie continued to cry and I tried to get her to talk about Maddie.  I asked her which class they shared.  How she met her.  What did she like to do?  Did she like music?  Did she have a boyfriend?  I did all these things because I figured that getting her to talk about Maddie was the best way to help her remember the good things about Maddie, and to help her cope with her loss.
She got on the phone with her mother, but couldn't talk about it just yet.  She finally called a couple of herfriends and began to feel better.  We decided to go meet her mom for lunch.  We were driving in the car, and Kellie began to talk about Maddie.
"She really loved basketball."
"Playing or watching?"
"Playing.  She was always asking me if I was going to play on the school's team next year."
"Did she have a boyfriend?"
"No."
"What sort of music did she like?"
"The same stuff I listen too."

Kellie paused and looked out the window as we drove on.

"You know," she said, "that man sure ruined a lot of people's spring break."
"Well," I said, "let's remember that you lost a friend.  But somewhere out there a man lost his daughter and a little boy lost his sister & mom.  Those are the two people who really lost something."

She nodded in agreement.
So many lives in turmoil over one selfish act.

Maddie Lisy was 12 years old.  She leaves behind a grieving father, brother and many, many friends who miss her very much.

Later,
Jeff

3/21/05--a night on Freak Mountain

Many years ago, the legendary rock artist//freaky stoner//all around weird guy but for some reason highly respected rock star Frank Zappa was the host of Saturday Night Live.  It wasn't the best episode of alltime.  As a matter of fact, it was probably an episode that is better remembered by the cast for all the good smoke that was being passed around that particular week.  But there was one great moment during that show--a skit called "A Night on Freak Mountain", where Frank portrays a "normal guy" (??) who ends up stopping at this roadside inn that is full of freaks of all types.  It was actually pretty funny.
So last night, Kim & I decided to head to the brand new Hard Rock Hotel & Casino here in lovely Broward County, Florida.  Joining us were her friend Amanda & her husband Will, and my buddy the Cable Guy and his wife Mary.  This was also a pretty big evening because it would feature the dreaded Kellie Poe-Bowdren's first working assignment--babysitting for Amanda & Will's son Calvin.  We read Kellie the riot act about responsibility, etc etc etc.  She proclaimed her self ready, willing & mature.  (Ahem)  We picked up Amanda & Will and headed towards the casino, where we would hook up with the Cable Guy & Mary.
We decide, based on stories that we've heard from people who have been there, to just go ahead and valet park our car.  Good move.  The parking lot is made to handle....oh, I don't know....like....40,000 cars.  I mean, its just insane how big the parking lot is.  And the even crazier thing is--its ALWAYS full.  Yep, pretty obvious that the good folks of Florida want nothing to do with gambling or casinos, huh??
Now this casino is slightly similar to Cesar's Palace for all you gamblers who have been to Vegas.  Built around the casino is this huge plaza with shopping, restaurants, clubs and more.  We hit the casino around 7:45pm and got a load of the usual cacophony (triple word score) of light & sound.  We walked out into the plaza and met up with the Cable Guy & Mary and the six of us decided first to find a restaurant that didn't have a wait of over 2 hours.  Seriously.
The shortest wait for any restaurant--and mind you, its still early--was 45 minutes so we put our name there, a jazz club called Jazziz.  Then, we walked back over to another club, which is like a piano bar with two guys up doing the whole schtick with the bawdy songs and all that.  So we've just sat down and ordered a round of drinks, the two pianists sit down and start playing......and our restaurant beeper went off.  We really didn't want to leave.  But, we were also really, really hungry.  So we made our way back to the jazz club, where we took our seats in the dining room with an only-slightly-obstructed-view-of-the-stage.  Whatever.  So the band takes the stage, and their playing this sort of jazz//funk//Cuban//salsa mix, which is fine, except of course--they weren't speaking a word of English.  What, were we in little Havana?  The name of the band was...no kidding here....Pollo.  Which is spanish for "chicken".  Interesting name for a band.  Their first song was translated as "chicken & corn".  Then the guy is introducing the 3rd song and says the name is something like..."beef".  I was like.....why is this guy singing about food so much?
Anyway, I got some popcorn shrimp as an appetizer and it was excellent.  They didn't put as much breading on it (thank God!) and it was lightly covered with a Chiptole (spelling?) sauce.  Very tasty.  Then I ordered the New Orleans style chicken gumbo.  Oh my God.  This was unbelieveably good.  It was so good that I didn't even worry about the OTHER stuff in the gumbo that I didn't eat, like okra & the bell peppers.  I didn't even care--man, it was good.  (Just call me Mr. Food).
Besides the band to pay attention too....we got another show.  Right in front of us, there was a guy sitting with two women.  Hmm.  Let's just say that we began to suspect that these two ladies weren't....uh....amateurs.  They were dressed, ya know, rather....uh....how shall I put it?  Uh...slutty.   And both of them were taking turns making out with the guy.  Like the title said---a night on Freak Mountain.
And the six of us at our table are just sort of sitting there, trying to decide if we should be outraged or perversely fascinated.  I finally told Kim & Amanda.....if the two women started making out with EACH OTHER....all bets were off.  Luckily, at least for the ladies WE were with....that never happened.  So after our dinner, we went back to the piano bar, which by now, was absolutely mobbed.  We all decided that we had to return again just to hang out for the evening and listen to the show.
We walked around the plaza some more, and luckily it was a beautiful night, doing a little window shopping  and people watching--which was almost as much fun as being in the piano bar, don't kid yourself--just like on Freak Mountain......before finally calling it a night just before midnight.  Cable Guy & Mary went back into the casino, but left before spending too much money.
Do entirely I'm sure, to the fact that Mary was there.  Ahem.  Kim & I, along with Amanda & Will headed back home, wondering along the way whether we'd find Kellie Poe-Bowdren fast asleep at her post.
Surprisingly, she wasn't.  She had stayed awake her first night as a babysitter.  When we had left to go to the casino, Amanda had informed Kellie that Calvin had gone to sleep, so at least she wouldn't be bothered with a tired, cranky baby.
So I looked at Kellie....and asked her:
"So...how'd your evening go?"
"Okay....kinda boring."
"How many times did you check in on Calvin?"
"None."
"None?  You never checked on him?"
"Um....I was supposed to check on him?"

The free enterprise system continues to grow strong in these United States.

Later,
Jeff

3/20/05---Rocky X--starring Andy Poe-Bowdren

So yesterday....there's another tae kwan do tournament.  The good news was that it was about 1/2 mile away from our house.  The bad news was...uh....it was run like most of the tournaments that we went too.  Kim took Andy there about 9am, which was....ya know....when they told her to have him there.  I showed up about 10am with Kellie, and lo & behold--they hadn't started yet.  So I waited around for close to 2 hours, and watched a bunch of kids doing their routines with weapons!  Do you have any idea how scary it is to see a 5 or 6 year old waving hatchets around in a martial arts demonstration?  I asked the kids tae kwan do instructor why they didn't teach weapons instructions?
"You ever see a couple of kids having a hatchet fight in the street?"

Uh....no, and touche'.

So my back starts to bother me after two hours in the grandstand, so I bail and head back home--giving Kim instructions to call me when its Andy's turn to compete.
(Yeah, yeah....I know.....throwing Kim under the bus to a certain extent there)
Well, about 2:30pm.....the phone rings and its Kim.
"I am losing my mind."
"Why?"
"Why?  Because there not even CLOSE to being ready for Andy.  We are never going to another tournament sponsored by these people KICK USA."

She went on to describe how all the different kinds of martial arts were having their demonstrations first, and the tae kwon do events were being held last.  Lovely.
Finally, she called me and told me that the young kids had started to spar and that I should make my way back.  Andy had already competed in the "forms" or technique competetion and finished 4th.  Again, the problem was that, unlike the last competition where he only competed against other tae kwon do competitors, today he was competing against people who were doing karate and other---ahem---more
"showy" martial arts.  So finally....we get to the sparring events.  Now, just to refresh your memory, at the last competition, Andy had been defeated in what was his first sparring match (other than ones in practice of course).  I had told him that he looked really stiff in his match---like he was thinking too much about what he was doing.
I told him--Mr. Miyagi style--that what he needed was:
"Don't think.  Do."
Wax on....wax off.
So then as their lining up the different opponents I see that Andy is going to face--
(GULP)
a blackbelt.  Uh-oh.  Major parental concern kicks in. 
So the match starts....and Andy is getting wailed on.  Once again, he's facing an opponent who's school teaches---although in a tournament its worth zero points--to punch at the mid-section.  Andy's school doesn't teach their kids to do that, because they figure....if you're not getting any points for it....its wasted motion.  Well, that's fine, except I think its a very big distraction for Andy & his teammates because its not something they see during practice.  So....back to the match....Andy is having some real trouble and then:
The kid punched Andy right in the throat.  And my son went down like a sack of wheat.  Again...major parental concern.....and then...a funny thing happened.
It was like you could hear the theme from Rocky III kick in--suddenly....it was "Eye of the Tiger" blaring through the loudspeakers.  Andy got up....looked at the other kid...and he wasn't thinking anymore--he was DOING.
And my son...Andy...the band geek.  The pod.  The nerd (all lovingly applied of course).  He freakin DESTROYED the other kid.  Wow.  It was an amazing thing to behold.  At the time of the throat shot, Andy was losing 4-1.  The final tally on the match was Andy winning 12-7....so from the throat shot on, Andy won 11-4.
Andy had beaten a blackbelt!  The other kid was clearly upset about it too.
I went over to Andy as he was resting and told him:
"Outstanding job.  Do you know what happened?  After the throat shot....you stopped thinking....and just reacted.  Your instincts took over and all that stuff that you had been taught for the last 4 years took over.  That's what it means to "do" instead of "think"."
Pretty interesting stuff this whole prideful parent business.  It was a good day, and it wasn't over yet.  And the best part?
My kid can kick your kid's ass!
Later,
Jeff

3/18/05---crappy jobs that I have had

So as I was driving home (early!) today from work, I began to think--for reasons that I'm not entirely sure of--of some of the jobs that I have had....you know, back in the day.
It would have been in the early part of the summer of '85 when I decided to leave the good folks at Toys R Us.  TRU was a great job for a young single guy.  There was tons of tail working there during the holiday season, but at this point I had recently gotten married to....ahem.....the artist formerly known as former Mrs Me # 1.  So since I had just gotten hitched, and had a wife and young child (hers) that I had to support....I did what any incredibly stupid guy would do.
I quit my job.
Yeah, that's the ticket.  What a freakin moron I was.  I had an extremely rare week's vacation from TRU and had gone on the job hunt and found this outfit called
"Vorwerk, USA".  It was a German company that sold---as I like to call it---carpet cleaning systems.  That's another way of saying that they sold vacuum cleaners.
Not just any vacuum cleaners though--these were really EXPENSIVE vaccum cleaners, and they came with their very own cleaning solutions.  The whole gimmick sold for the ridiculously expensive price of like $1,100.  Keep in mind--this was 1985.  So I went in, applied (on the sly without TRU knowing) and had a great big shot of ego boost when the glowed at my relatively crappy resume and told me how emminently qualified I was for the position they were seeking.
I even went home and showed it to my father--who had to grudgingly admit that the German company appeared to be fairly solid.  They threw this insane numbers at the applicants--like how you got 23% of every sale--so if you even sold TWO a week you would take in $500.  All they wanted you to do was to make a minimum of 7 appointments per week--which were set up for you by the company.  You would have to do no cold calls and no door-to-door stuff.
Ahem.
Like I said....that's what they TOLD us during the application process.
So I get there on the first day of work and discover, ya know....its a little different than what they had initially told us.  Actually, if it was slow, we might have to do some door-to-door canvassing--just like, sort of , dropping stuff on doorknobs and the like.  And then they took us through the whole sales pitch--which, like a lot of companies like this was strictly controlled and expected to be followed to the letter.
You basically had to take the damn machine (cough, cough--vacuum cleaner) apart and show the prospective customer the inner workings of the machine and how easily and efficiently it worked.  Then you showed them the exclusive cleaning solution they had.  The stuff was very weird.  It was like if you picked a sponge into about 1,000 pieces after wetting it and then sprinkled it onto a carpet.  And then, just to make things really weird?  The vacuum was complete shit--but the solution was actually pretty good stuff--and one of those freaky anamolies that no one could explain--worked great at killing fleas (I could personally testify because my dog at the time had a really bad case until we put the solution on the carpet in a test run.
Next day?  ZERO fleas.  Really strange).  Anyway, a few days into this nonsense, I began to realize that I was going to be a freakin vacuum cleaner salesman (Things that would've been nice for me to know BEFORE I had quit my other job).  So I bid adieu to the good folks at Vorwerk and set out to find another job.
Here's another thing I hav elearned.  The worst place to find a job?
The want ads.
The jobs they have listed there are without a doubt the crappiest, most fly by night, zero chance of longterm future jobs that are out there.  So, since I was still young, I still had this fantasy about getting into radio (once again--something I should've looked into before I got MARRIED).  So one day in the want ads I see a blurb about this company that sells radio advertisements to stations all over the company.
I do a little quick math, and decide that this would mean that I was almost//ya know, technically//be in the radio business.  Shaaaaa.....right.
Once again, the interview process goes wonderfully, and I'm told just how incredibly qualified I am--oh, and you want to get into radio??  This is a great place to start!--man was I a dipshit when I was young (and oh boy can I give you some examples of that!).  So my first day on the job I'm watching the other guys doing their job.
Basically what it consisted of was calling different places around the country (in the case of my section--car dealerships) and trying to pitch them on a buying a certain kind of radio advertisement.  You had a script, and I mean they expected you to follow it to the letter.  And the commericals were the fucking worst.  Stupid, redneck
characters talking about how great the prices were at Joe Smith Ford.  Ugh.  So in the afternoon they gave me my own desk and I went to work selling these goofy commercials.  Realizing even then when I'm reading some crappy dialogue, I began making "slight" modifications to what was written.  For instance....if the script was:

"Hi there.  How has your day been?"

I might change it to---"Hi there.  How's everything going today?"

And I would see this little red light flash on my desk.  And after the call my supervisor (who was monitoring me) would yell into my headphones about how I wasn't following the script.  Total insanity.  You were basically expected to make over 100 calls a day....figuring I suppose that you'd get hung up on 3/4 of the time.
I really, really hated it.  But, I figured I'd give it another day to see if things were different on a new day.  I went in...and before our actual day began, they had this office meeting.  I'll never forget looking around and seeing all these older guys with ties that didn't match their shirts, armpit stains, the whole Andy Sipowicz look.
And I'm thinking.....oh man!  I am too young to be stuck here for the next 20 years.
And they announce that Jim, over in the sales department for home electronics ads, had made 11 sales yesterday!  And all these losers began cheering the guy.
I knew I had to leave.
Either that or kill myself.

Now--for a quick little backstory.  At the time of this story, I had a 1967 Pontiac Firebird.  It was my first car.  It was a great car.....except for this one little problem.
Apparently Pontiacs of the 60's had these weird little electronic quirks that would come up now and again---and my car was one of those.  Literally.
For reasons that NO ONE could explain, I would put my key in the ignition, turn the key---and nothing would happen.  I would take the key out....sit there for a couple of minutes....and put the key back in....and the car would start up with no problem.
It was beyond aggravating.  I had a new ignition switch put in--didn't help.  New starter--didn't help.  It was so frustrating....especially since I am the original Mr Know Nothing when it comes to cars or anything mechanical (just ask any of my wives).  So now lets realize that at any given time, I could go out to my car and not know if it would start at that moment---or not.  Are you with me?  HELLO!  Wake up!

So, after watching this horrible meeting, I decide that I have to get out of this place.
So I go to my desk and realize (as fate would have it) that I had left my pencil in the car.  You had to use your pencil to write down your calls, their responses......so it was a pretty vital part of your work area.  So I tell my supervisor that I'm going out to my car to get my pencil--he's like, well I can give you another damn pencil.
But I insist.  So I go out to the car....take my keys out.....close my eyes and put the keys into the ignition.

"Lord....if you want me to stay here....the car won't start.  But if you want me out of here...this bad boy is going to fire right up."

First turn of the ignition---car started.

"Thank you God."

I was back looking for work again.  But it looked like I wouldn't be killing myself that night.  So I had that going for me.

Later,
Jeff

3/17/05---and a fine St Patty's Day it tis

Well, I hope you all had a chance to treat yourself to a fine green beer (UGH!--remind me to tell you the story about my real green beer story one day) or perhaps a wee bit of the corned beef and cabbage today.
Me?  I had the french dip au jous for lunch and the chicken fingers for dinner.
Hey, I called them Irish chicken fingers...does that count?  Funny to think that somewhere out there, 10 million people are getting shitface drunk, vomiting and pissing all over themselves......me, I'm sitting in front of my computer trying to entertain my readers---the price you pay for fame!

And as special St Patrick's Day treat---yea....for me dear old Da....a special poem, about the home country....with the title....in the old language.

Beannachtai na Feile Padraig | by Dylan

I have met them at close of day
Coming with vivid faces
From counter or desk among grey
Eighteenth-century houses.
I have passed with a nod of the head
Or polite meaningless words,
Or have lingered awhile and said
Polite meaningless words,
And thought before I had done
Of a mocking tale or a gibe
To please a companion
Around the fire at the club,
Being certain that they and I
But lived where motley is worn:
All changed, changed utterly:
A terrible beauty is born.

That woman's days were spent
In ignorant good will,
Her nights in argument
Until her voice grew shrill.
What voice more sweet than hers
When young and beautiful,
She rode to harriers?
This man had kept a school
And rode our winged horse.
This other his helper and friend
Was coming into his force;
He might have won fame in the end,
So sensitive his nature seemed,
So daring and sweet his thought.
This other man I had dreamed
A drunken, vain-glorious lout.
He had done most bitter wrong
To some who are near my heart,
Yet I number him in the song;
He, too, has resigned his part
In the casual comedy;
He, too, has been changed in his turn,
Transformed utterly:
A terrible beauty is born.

Hearts with one purpose alone
Through summer and winter seem
Enchanted to a stone
To trouble the living stream.
The horse that comes from the road.
The rider, the birds that range
From cloud to tumbling cloud,
Minute by minute change;
A shadow of cloud on the stream
Changes minute by minute;
A horse-hoof slides on the brim,
And a horse plashes within it
Where long-legged moor-hens dive,
And hens to moor-cocks call.
Minute by minute they live:
The stone's in the midst of all.

Too long a sacrifice
Can make a stone of the heart.
O when may it suffice?
That is heaven's part, our part
To murmur name upon name,
As a mother names her child
When sleep at last has come
On limbs that had run wild.
What is it but nightfall?
No, no, not night but death;
Was it needless death after all?
For England may keep faith
For all that is done and said.
We know their dream; enough
To know they dreamed and are dead.
And what if excess of love
Bewildered them till they died?
I write it out in a verse --
MacDonagh and MacBride
And Connolly and Pearse
Now and in time to be,
Wherever green is worn,
Are changed, changed utterly:
A terrible beauty is born.

-- William Butler Yeats

And finally....may the devil find out yer dead....a half hour after yer in heaven.

Later,
Jeff

3/15/05---oh, all rightl--big DVD news!!

Yeah, yeah....its been a couple of days since I finished writing my opus about New York.  Excuse me if I only like to write when I think I've got something to say!
We went out on Saturday for the kids school spring festival--which is basically a carnival with a side of band geeks.
Kellie was asked to perform based on her technical performance, and she did a solo on the flute in front of about 80 to 100 people.  Extreme parental pride!
Her band teacher has been talking to Kim about getting Kellie to learn another instrument, since she picked up the technical aspects of the flute so quickly.  Well, we went out and picked up a saxophone for her over the weekend....she was really surprised and seems really happy.  Me?  I can remember all these different songs, their lyrics.....obscure trivia about musical groups....but try and get me to play an instrument and its like...forget about it!  And Kellie is going to play two!  The little....

So while we're waiting for Kellie to perform, we had a sorta funny moment.  Many years ago, when Kim and I were only dating--no engagement or anything like that--we might not have even been living together.....anyway, Andy gets invited to this birthday party.  The boy who threw the party had a twin sister named Melissa.
Now this was the only girl at school that I knew that Andy knew.  I say this because, well, to be honest with you.....Andy still isn't really "into" girls yet and so whenever I would try to tease him about girls, the only name I knew was this girl who he knew from some birthday party a few years before.  So, keep in mind....that's really the only connection that Andy had to this girl.  Now, fast forward to the other day.
Kim had been at some things at school and had told me that.....well, to put it rather delicately......the girl was in the midst of a blossoming.
So we're in the bandroom, waiting for Kellie to play her solo.  And this girl and boy come in and sit down next to where we're sitting.  Kim is giving me the head nod to point out the girl.
Then she mouthes to me....
"M...E...L...I...S...S...A.."
And we both turn to look at the girl, right as she bends over and....ya know.....gives us the money shot.  So later on, we're walking out the door and Kim asks me if I saw the girl and how much she had changed--she can't believe she's the same age as Andy, etc etc.  And I said.....ahem....
"Um, honey.  First of all....I'm a guy.  Did I notice her?  Geez, how could I NOT?"

Okay, so I got smacked....it was probably worth it.

In other news:  how about the fact that my alltime favorite television show has finally come to DVD!!  Take a look baby!!

Hogan's Heroes (Complete First Season)

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Format:   Rating: NR
Starring: Bob Crane  Werner Klemperer  John Banner  
 
Product Description Features: DVD, Pan and Scan (TV Format), Aspect Ratio 1.33.1, Dolby Digital Mono, Pilot Episode, 5 Discs

Follow the fun with this bunch of military madcaps who, as Allied soldiers confined to a German POW camp, do their hilarious best to cause mayhem and sabotage the German war machine right under their captors' noses!

Features Audio: English Dolby Digital Mono Full Screen Presentation Original Pilot Episode
 
   
   
   
   

3/12/05--Escape from New York

Day #5 arrives and its time to go home.  Our good friends from Supershuttle arrive (this time--get this--ONTIME!) and we head for the airport.  Well, sort of .  We have to make 5 or 6 stops first to pick up other people heading for the airport.
I was losing my sense of direction until I looked around and saw that we were on the east side of Manhattan around 1st avenue & 125th.  Uh hello.....
Harlem.
Please God, don't let the van break down.  I don't wanna die.
We get to the airport as the weather is starting to take a turn for the worse.  We had heard that morning that the temperatures, which in the early morning had been around 45 to 50 degrees, were going to be around 20 degrees by lunchtime, with high winds and some snow coming in by the end of the day.  So as we're checking in, Kim tells me that its only $90 for both of us to upgrade to first class for the flight home.  Hello!
Our new seat assignments were seats 1A & 1C.  We get to the gate, where we have a good hour wait (my bride HATES---and I mean HATES--being late for anything.
That means were early for EVERYTHING).  I'm watching outside to see if the weather is taking a turn for the worse, and the poor unfortunate slobs that will be on the flight with us are having to endure a playtime session between these parents and their two toddler kids.  It was nauseating.
I mean...the whole.....
"Take the purple medicine and you get the lolly."
Only it was much more saccharine and baby like.  Ugh.  So the bratty little kids are running around wild, and then one of the parents would go and get them and look around for someone to tell them how cute their kids are.  I'm starting to wonder if kids under the age of 5 shouldn't be kept with the baggage and the pets that fly.
That way they wouldn't disturb anyone.  Its like this comedian we saw said.....if the reason you can't smoke on a plane is because it "disturbs other people".....why in the hell can people bring their bratty kids on the plane? 
Meanwhile, outside....it begins to snow.  Oh, it was light at first....but it was getting worse.  And then, we finally get on the plane....first class....and we're watching the wind blow and the snow get heavier.  I'm telling Kim that if we had booked a flight later in the day, our flight may have been canceled.  You could just visually see the weather get worse by the minute.   Then came an announcement that I'm sure every seasoned flier has heard....but which was a first for me.

"Uh folks....we're going to be a little delayed while they DE-ICE the plane."

De-Ice the plane?  Did that mean they were going around with little icepicks?

Soon enough, the chemical wash had done its stuff and it was time to hit the runway.
And still...I'm watching the wind howl around us.  The weatherman had mentioned something about 40 mile an hour winds.  The snow is sticking to the ground by now, and I'm thinking one thing in my conversation with God.

"Uh......God.....please don't let the word 'windshear' come into your head."

A whiteknuckle takeoff, for sure.  But hey!  We were in first class baby!  We were going to be living it up.  We quickly realized the number one downside to not just sitting in first class, but in particular in sitting in seats 1A & 1C.
We were located right in front of the first class toilet.
And to make it worse, it became quickly apparent to us that most of the passengers had some sort of colo-rectal issue.  I finally had to ask the stewardess to give us a courtesy spray.  But still--no problemo.  Once that first class service kicked in, it was all going to be worth it.
Then...our first class service kicked in.  Our snack for the flight.
One can each....of Pringles chips.  I looked at Kim.....

"Take a look baby.  That's a $90 can of chips your getting ready to eat."

So our vacation had come to an end.  Kim missed the kids--I missed the dogs (well, okay...maybe the kids a little bit too)  I told her that I was glad to have been able to go to the Big Apple with the woman I loved and spend a romantic weekend.
I told her I loved her....and leaned over to give her a kiss.

And naturally.....ahem.....she coughed.
Who says romance is dead?

Later,
Jeff

3/12/05--Time to goof on Vikings coach Mike Tice!

Coach Mike thinks hard as he tries to figure out the total profit from selling ten Super Bowl tickets at $2,000 above face value

The scary thing is....Peter Boyle does look like Mike Tice!
Later,
Jeff    

3/11/05--Day 4--Gucci...ucci.....Fee-a-rucci,and Prada & Coach--wholesale

So Day 4 sees us getting up and after a quick breakfast, Kim starts feeling....ya know, "under the weather".  So while she's running in and out of hotels looking for a bathroom, I'm just doing some people watching (this is almost worth the price of admission all by itself), planning on eventually going back down to Battery Park to buy a few more knockoff bags for some friends at work.  Well as I'm standing there, lo & behold....here come my friends with the shopping carts and the merchandise wrapped in blankets.
"Yo..man, I got rolex, I got sunglasses....I got DVD's"
"Hey man...you got any Louie V's?"
"Yeah man....what you need?"
"I need Louie V's."
"Well I got them."
"Okay, look I'm waiting for my wife.  Meet me at the end of the block in 5 minutes."

I mean.....am I hip on the street lingo, or what??

So after Kim's little.....uh....break, we mosey on down to the end of the block where I see my new best friend complete with the "wide variety of merchandise".  Then begins the negotiation dance.

"How much?"
"How many you need?"
"I need 3 purses."
"$125."
"I need 3 purses, I'm in a hurry and I'm going to give you $90."
"Uh....okay."

The subtle art of the deal.
Then we do a little personal shopping, and I pick up a couple of sweet Beatles shirts with the album covers from Hard Day's Night & Revolver printed on the front.
Very nice.
We walked about 20 blocks south towards the Empire State Building.  Where we found out that the wait to go to the top of the building was 45 minutes.  Ugh.  Nothing is ever easy.  $13 to go up to the top and take a look at the view.  Sort of disappointing.  After that, we make our way to the subway to head north towards Central Park.  Some big fun here.  We get off the subway by Central Park, and on the other side of the track we hear....

"And ye who are unworthy shall read in the book of the Lord where he sayeth....."

And there's this guy standing there, basically wearing a bathrobe, screaming and preaching at the top of his lungs.....his version of the word of God.  It was compelling stuff.  And Kim says...
"Come on, let's get going."
"What?  Are you kidding?  Miss this freak show?  Good lord, this might be the highlight of our trip!"

A number of jaded New Yorkers who were sitting within earshot of my comments got a good chuckle out of that remark.

So we make our way to Central Park, which is really amazing in that its this area of green trees in vegatation in the middle of this urban jungle.  We walk past the famous "Tavern on the Green" restaurant and eventually locate the famous Dakota building, where John Lennon used to live before his murder.  We found it, but it was a fairly nondescript building without so much as a sign telling us what it was.  If we hadn't approached the doorman, we wouldn't have known it was--ya know--what it was.
After a quick lunch of an authentic New York sidewalk hotdog and soda  (their motto:  "Get your cholestral dog with added nitrate right here!") we made the approximately 30 block walk back to our hotel.  And my feet were hurting like hell.
We walked past the horse carriages--feeling a little sorry for the horses, who look so miserable....past all the big name shops---Gucci, Sak's 5th Avenue, Fende, Cartier.  Kim's remark about those stores:
"If you have to ask how much something is.....you don't need to be shopping there."

After a quick rest at the hotel, we made our way out early in the evening to Virgil's, a BBQ restaurant near Times Square.  Good BBQ sauce on the ribs I ate, but---I mean people--how can a BBQ restaurant serve iced tea that is....(shudder).....sweetened by LEMON!  LEMON!  I mean, at a BBQ joint I want iced tea that is sweetened by SUGAR  The way that Grandma Bunton used to make it!  So right away, I was a little disappointed.  After dinner, we made our way to Caroline's, which is a comedy club in Times Square.  It was headlined that evening Kevin Meany & Richard Kind, who used to star on "Spin City" with Michael J Fox.
It was a lot of fun, good laughs and they also had a couple of Broadway performers come out and sing a few numbers since the week was what they called "Broadway Cares", much like the show we had seen the night before.  Really good stuff.
Ya know....when Kim wasn't coughing.

Later,
Jeff

3/10/05--a "3 hour tour"

Day 3 arrives and I've come to at least one conclusion.  If a nuke hits New York, the only thing that will live is the cockroaches....and Starbucks.  I mean to tell you, there are literally 6 million Starbucks in Manhattan alone.  There must be one on every single corner.  There like little coffee parasites.  We got up this morning and told the hotel staff that we were either changing rooms or changing hotels.  Funny how a threat like that and they manage to find an available room.  So we move on up, much like George & Weezy....to the 12th floor.  Where we find a double bed.
Which is great if you sleep alone.  For two people.....uh, no.  But we were no longer smelling Chinese food and the room wasn't a sauna.  Hey, we'll live with it.
We end up walking down towards Times Square again and begin to look into going to a show that night on Broadway.  I guess there must be 15 to 20 shows happening on any given night, so we had a ton of choices.  We had originally planned on standing in line for one of those 1/2 price ticket places....but that involved us standing outside in the 30 degree weather.  It was about that time my wife informed me that we needed to be amending our plans, as standing outside wasn't an option.  So she goes into this other store that sells tickets and passes to the different boat tours and bus tours of New York, and lo and behold there was also a booth selling tickets to the different shows (full price naturally).  So while Kim was buying us a boat tour, I stood in line and snagged us a couple of tickets to MAMMA MIA!!--which is a play that celebrates....try not to laugh......the music of Abba ("Dancing Queen"--hello???).  Anyway, I had a guy in line tell me that I was pretty lucky to snag tickets to that show, since its still pretty hot.  Ya know, one thing that I probably should point out here that I don't think I have---almost everyone we met in Manhattan was really nice.  You get a mental image of what a New Yorker is going to be like, and it couldn't be more different.  Most of them were friendly, helpful and would go the extra mile to offer advice on restaurant or shows. 
So we've bought the tickets to the boat tour around Manhattan, and we begin walking that way.  Kim is looking at the map and says....."hey, we're going to walk right through Hell's Kitchen.  Is that bad?"  And I said...."well, if our name was Muhammed Al Farrouq....yeah, but a couple of nice Irish kids like you and me got nothing to worry about."
So we stand around for a few minutes waiting for the boat....and holy crap is it cold.
I mean, right to the bone cold.  And that's before we get on the water.  So we proceed to take the tour--which goes about 3 hours---all the way around Manhattan Island, and see all the highlights and historic spots and also the spots like Yankee Stadium (Ha!  Like that's a big deal) and Harlem.  Hmm....how shall I describe Harlem?  Its sort of like 30 or 40 apartment buildings that have about 25 floors.
So you move in there and you have about 700 neighbors.  Ya, big fun.  Talk about your urban blight.  It looks so depressing.  On the opposite side, New Jersey actually looks really nice--from the other side of the river of course.
We came back in....thawed out (no joke either)....and got ready for our evening.
That night we took the advice of some friends and visited Patsy's, an Italian restaurant near the theatre district.  I had the chicken parm--which was huge and some delicious Italian bread.  Very good meal, but again--a New York tradition...everything on the menu was ala carte.  After the meal, we walked towards the theatre and went in to see....MAMMA MIA!
Wow....was it ever fun.  Here's the story in a nutshell (help, I'm trapped in a nutshell--sorry, old joke) A young woman and her mother live on a small Greek island, where they run their restaurant//small hotel.  The young woman is getting ready to be married, and has always wondered who her real father is (Mom refuses to tell her).
She discovers her mom's old diary from the timeframe where she was conceived and finds out that---well, let's just say that her mom had quite the productive summer that year, with not just one, not two....but THREE boyfriends in the span of about 2 mos.
The young woman proceeds to invite all three of the men to her wedding--without telling her mother, naturally--and big fun ensues.  All this, believe it or not, set to the music of Abba.  It is so much fun and a guaranteed good time.  So get this one.  After the show is over, and the cast has done their curtain calls....one of the supporting actresses steps forward and announces that it was the week that is known as "Broadway cares" since a percentage of all ticket sales will go to Aids research and all breastcancer charities.  And the crowd applaudes politely.  Then, the actress says...."and you know.....ordinarily I don't do this, because its really not something we like to do....but I'm such a huge fan of someone who's in the audience tonight....ladies and gentlemen......
BRAD PITT!!  Brad, please stand up and take a bow!"

Holy crap, you should've have seen the women in the crowd jump to their feet.  And everyone is looking....looking.....looking....and then the actress on stage goes....
"Oh, he's not really here!!  I can't believe you fell for that one!"  It was hilarious.

Afterwards, we had a nice walk home in the cold weather....took a nighttime view of Rockfeller Center (NBC) and then St Patrick's Cathedral.  It was really nice.
When my wife wasn't coughing at least.  Which was about every 20 seconds or so.

Later,
Jeff

3/9/05---Day 2 & out come the FREEEEEAKS!

So our 2nd day begins with us getting up early and heading down to breakfast in the little cafe that's on the first floor of the hotel.  We walk into the lobby and no lie---I thought we were in Moscow.  Lots of people named Yuri, Dmitri, Oleg, Pavel & Sergei.  And it wasn't a meeting of the NHL Players Association.  It was just another day in the lobby of the Radisson.  We go into the little cafe and attempt (key phrase) to squeeze into a space slightly smaller than a microwave which the people there have dubbed a "table".  The breakfast is allegedly free--compliments of the Radisson--we are told that the free breakfast means we can choose "two items" on the approximately 30 things on the menu.  That means our choices consisted of---uh,
scrambled eggs and sausage, juice & toast.  Then, my wife....greedy little minx that she is....had the audacity to ask for a glass of milk.
That would be $3 for that glass of milk Mrs. Bowdren.  Welcome to New York.
2) So next we risk our very lives by going into the New York City subway system.
Now, before our trip a good friend of mine had told that I would see more weirdos in New York than anywhere else in the world.  I said, oh contraire!  I work at the courthouse!  Do you really think I'm going to see someone weirder than what I see on a daily basis?  Ahem.....point to Ms. Lavigne.
We turned a corner and HELLOOOOO.  This drooling, bearded, uh....subway dweller appeared in front of us.  Seriously, it was all I could do to not be a total wuss and cry out.  Again, welcome to New York.  We get on the subway, and all I'm thinking is---don't make eye contact with anyone!!---and finally we get off down by the entrance to the Brooklyn Bridge and begin to walk towards:
3) The World Trade Center.  Have you ever heard the expression that...."there was no there--there?"  I suppose that since I never actually got to witness the twin towers up close and personal, it lessened the impact of seeing a giant hole in the ground.
Granted, its an almost sacred site.  But I'm sure it means more to someone who was a native of the Big Apple to see what is no longer there.  They're in the process of rebuilding at least part of it...and I hope they do.  After that we made our way too:
4) Battery Park.  Now this is an interesting place to visit.  You've got your artists, your photographers, your protesters of one thing or another (this week's hot topic is the torture of Chinese practioners of the Falun Gong religion--gruesome photos) and then finally....hehehe.....your salesman of the Louie V handbags & "Rolex" watches.
Now, for those of you retail experts out there....these aren't really Louie V handbags.  There what some would call "a knockoff".  Unlike the real McCoy, which I hear goes for like $800, this Louie V handbag goes for anywhere from $25 to $80.  What a bargain!  So we walk by these...um...."vendors" and I hear:
"I gotta da Rolex...I gotta DVD's....I gotta da Louie V's....I gotta da Coach".
So begins the negotiation dance.  And I walked away with an "authentic" purse (for parties unknown--please!  Would you have me reveal who I was buying for?) for $40.  Meanwhile, the chisler I bought it for tells me I should've badgered him down to $25.  Some people you just can't make happy.  Afterwards we went up to:
5) Wall Street.  Seriously.  Its this big building in this little narrow alley.  Very unimpressive actually.  From there we walked until we got to---Oh my!----
6) Chinatown.  This was one of the highlites (from a strictly depraved point of view) of the trip.  This is like walking into Dodge City circa 1880.  I mean, its like the wild west except without horses.  Everything is for sale, and the wife--who earlier in the week talked about wanting to have an authentic Chinese dinner in Chinatown--walks past a couple of restaurants that had dead ducks hanging by the neck in the window and decides....uh...let's go to Little Italy for lunch.  I mean, but Chinatown is just one giant freak show.  And if I may be allowed....as a married man....holy cripes are there some great looking women in Chinatown.  Not that my wife saw me looking of course....I'm very slick with the quick glance and only get caught...you know...every once in awhile. So I'm in the middle of shopping on one of the busiest streets in the world when my phone rings.  Its my old buddy Bob McKeon.
"Hey man....I'm at the Coral Square mall.  I was wondering if I could stop by for a second and drop something off?"
"Well, uh....Bob....I'm not at home.  I'm in the middle of Chinatown in New York City, so chances are I won't be home....."

We ended up buying Andy & Kellie a hand painted & designed painting with their nameson it.  Very nice and finally Kellie will have something with the correct spelling of her name.  She gets crazy about the fact that everything in a gift shop is spelled "Kelly" or "Kelly" instead of the way she spells it.  We then went towards:
7) Little Italy.  I emphasize that we went "towards" Little Italy because we kept looking around for it....and uh.....(ahem)....couldn't find it.  No, not that it had disappeared....we just, sorta....kinda....were on the wrong street.  I'd like to emphasize at this point that my wife had the map and was the acting navigator.  So finally we find an Italian place to eat lunch at and sit down at:
8) Lombardi's.  Kim wanted an authentic (there's that word again) New York pizza and we sat down to have a pie.  Good stuff and some nice atmosphere.  One of those places where when they moved in the space was sorta limited, so when you go into the bathroom, there's a giant pole (Hey!  No jokes here!) in the middle of the room.  Kim said when you....ya know...sit down on the toilet that you had to situate your legs around the pole (I said no jokes thank you very much!).  That's the kind of ambiance you just can't buy!  So after lunch we headed back towards--
9) Canal Street.  More "I got DVD's & watches"....only 10 times as much as Battery Park.  Just an insane amount of free enterprise going on.  Again, pretty much anything you can think of is for sale---and stuff you can't think of is probably for sale, only not on the street.  Finally we arrived....after a long walk......at:
10) Union Square.  Since it was the weekend, they were having a huge food market, and again--I can't stress this enough--pretty much anything you can imagine is for sale.  We ended up buying some really good cookies and some home-made pretzels.  My oh my.  Aren't we quite the gourmets, aren't we?  Back to the Hotel for a brief rest and then.....
11) Gallagher's Steak House.  Kim had picked this one out of our AAA book, as it was "right in the middle of the theatre district".  Very nice place, although, like seemingly every other restaurant in New York---everything on the menu is ala carte.
Translated---$$$$.  We ended up sitting next to a couple who let us in on what might have been the cause for our problems at the Radisson.  They told us that anyone who books a hotel online---gets the worse roomin the hotel.  If you book it directly through the hotel itself, you're going to get a better room.  They serve one freakin huge steak at Gallagher's.  Mine must have been 20 to 24 ounces, easy.
I couldn't even finish it.  (I hear your jokes and right back at ya)  After dinner we went for a nice evening stroll (temperature around 34 degrees with a  lovely 30 mile an hour wind) through....
12) The theater district.  This and Times Square are truly amazing.  You know that image you get every New Year's Eve when the giant ball is dropping?  Doesn't do justice to the spectacle of lights that is Times Square.  Only thing close is Vegas at night.  Really, really amazing.  And all the furs were out getting ready to go to one or another Broadway productions....its just wall to wall people.  Later we went back to the sauna room that was our room--complete with the smell o' Chinese food again....
we were getting frustrated.

Next up.....our very own....."3 hour tour".
Later,
Jeff

3/9/05--New York, NY...the city so nice....they named it twice

Back from New York.  Lord, what an experience.  Its a place that everyone should visit at least once.  Its fun, crazy, loud, bright....its like Vegas with bad weather and bums.  Here's my recollections, beginning at the start:

FRIDAY
1) So we fly up to NYC on Spirit Airlines, or as I like to call it--ValueJet renamed.
The flight up was highlighted by the complete asshole in the seat in front of me who wouldn't just...ya know...."sit down" in his chair.  He had to "plop down" so that half the cabin shook.  That and the two little bastards one row in front of us who kept getting up and running up the aisles.  I'm thinking kids should be kept with the luggage in back of the plane so they don't annoy everyone else.
2) So we land at Laguardia, and we're supposed to be met by SuperShuttle for a ride to our hotel in Manhattan.  I emphasize "supposed to" because we ended up waiting for an hour and a half for the Shuttle to arrive.  The guy shows up and I ask him whether or not he's our ride.  I show him our confirmation number and he calls in to his dispatcher--since naturally we're not on his list of passengers---and is told to take us, which he responds to with a rather disgusted....."get in".  We then have to wait another 1/2 hour while we wait for him to pick up other passengers.  Meanwhile its like 30 degrees outside and even inside the van, we're freezing our asses off.  So finally we head towards our hotel and I get my first taste of driving in NYC.  You don't have to be insane to drive in the city--but it helps.  We pull up to our hotel.....The Radisson on Lexington Avenue.  Kim is waiting by the door as I'm getting the bags when:
3) I'm approached by Kendrick the panhandler.  I mean, I haven't been in Manhattan 10 freakin seconds.....and Kendrick approaches.
"Hey man....how you doing tonight?  Everything going okay?  Say you know, I was wondering if maybe you could help a brother out....I'm trying to raise money for the young children and was wondering if....."

At this point the doorman from the Radisson--looking slightly like Dolph Lundgren, approaches......

"How many times have I told you about bothering people?" (thick Russian accent)
"Yo man!  I'm just making conversation here!"

I walk up to Kim.
"Jeezus cripes....I'm here 10 seconds and the bums are already looking for money."

4) So we go intothe hotel and check in...and we begin to notice that apparently we've checked into the Russian Radisson.  Seriously.  The whole freakin staff at the hotel is Russian.  We check into the 27 floor hotel and are given a room.....on the 3rd floor.
We go into our room....which apparently has had the thermometer set at approximately.....157 degrees.  Let's remember (and I'll say this more than once) that its like 30 degrees outside.  So we decide to go look for something to eat, and begin to walk downtown.  We get to 42nd street and suddenly realize that we are in front of:
5) Grand Central Station.  We're just standing there looking at everything when this woman walks up to us....
"I'm pregnant and hungry!!"
Uh, maybe you should rethink your leisure activity there sister.  So we go into GCS and its absolutely massive.  We go downstairs where there's a zillon stores and restaurants and so we decide to eat at a deli--one of the places Kim said she wanted to eat in NYC, so I figure we're getting that one out of the way.  So we're eating a sandwich at Jimmy's, and you know, you start listening to the people next to you.
And I realized that the two guys sitting next to us were:
6) George & Jerry from Seinfeld---they must have been.  They had the stupidest conversation I'd ever heard.  One of the guys is talking about how he's given up on alchohol because he realized that the last 5 girls he had "made out with" were all drunk.  Hard to believe this guy is still on the market, huh?  Meanwhile, the other guy starts up a conversation with a couple of girls at the table next to them.  And he actually told these girls (who I guess were like 18 or 19) that...."you could seriously pass for 23 or 24 with no problem".   Smoooooooth.  After dinner we continued to walk and went back to the hotel to find:
7) The room is still at 157 degrees.  This was when we figured out that the thermometer was NOT adjustable.  So Kim (who almost lives in fear of the cold) and I walk over to the window to figure out how we're going to open the damn thing.  So we finally get it cracked, whereupon of course, the 30 degree temperature and wind blow into the room like we're on a fjord somewhere in Norway.  So its either sweat our asses off (Stop it!  No jokes) or freeze them off.  We settle for door # 2.  So we're getting ready for bed when my beloved suddenly says:
"Hey...what's that smell?"
No, it wasn't me smart ass.  We realized about that point that we were located on the floor right above the Chinese restaurant in the hotel.  So not only are we freezing, but we're breathing in the sweet aroma of moo goo gai pan.
Welcome to the Big Apple.

Tomorrow--day # 2--and the freak show REALLY begins.
Later,
Jeff

3/3/05---Its called "CONJUNCTIVITIS"

So after being throughly aggravated by this irritation in my eye over the last couple of weeks, I finally caved in and decided to pay another visit to my doctor.  He did me a huge solid and was able to squeeze me in on short notice, and when I get to his office he's checking out my eyes and decides to do some bloodwork in case I'm having some sort of allergic reaction.  So he's taking like 5 or 6 vials....and I'm like:

"Uh, hey doc...you're taking quite a bit of blood there."
"Well, we want to make sure this isn't viral in nature...(hits his intercom).....yeah, can you call Dr. Glick on the 2nd floor and see if he can see Mr. Bowdren on an emergency basis (slight panic sets in)?.......okay, we're going to have you see an opthamologist and have him look at the eye."
"So um....do I have pink eye?"
"Pink eye is like saying you have a fever.  It can mean a lot of things."
(Intercom buzzes---"Dr Glick can see him right away")
"Um...doctor....there's something that maybe I ought to mention....."
"What's that?"
"Well...remember a week or two ago when I had the first irritation?"
"Yeah..."
"Well....after the irritation went away....I had stopped wearing my contac lenses....I, um....put the contact back in."
"...'scuse me?"
"I put the contac back in after the irritation went away."
"You put the SAME contac back in?"
"Well....ya know....there wasn't any schmutz in the saline solution in my contac case."
"Well the bacteria would be microscopic you know.....and this might have been something you mentioned to me before I made the appointment with Dr Glick."
"Well....I was thinking about it.....uh.....sorry."

Luckily he actually was laughing about it.  So I go downstairs to see Dr Glick, the eye doctor.  I walk into his office and he asks me what the problem seems to be.

"Well, first of all, there's the whole problem with me being a dumb ass doctor......"

So I, uh...threw out the old, bacteria laden contac lenses and went onto anti-biotics.
Dr Glick told me that I shouldn't wear contacs for a week.
"Hey, doc...I'm going to New York on vacation on Friday!"
"Oh yeah.....well....don't wear them until Saturday then."

I like a doctor who can be flexible in his diagnosis---which was....well, the above title. 

And, as I mentioned....I will be visiting New York, New York---the city so nice they named it twice from Friday through Tuesday with my bride.....NYC baby.
I can only imagine the details I'm going to have when I get back.  Expect a LONG entry on Tuesday night.

Later,
Jeff

3/1/05--dealing with the one-eyed monster

No, not that one-eyed monster perv!  As you might remember, I had some sort of irratation in my eye during my recent cold//flu battle---that would be the right eye.
So the other morning, I wake up---over the cold & flu--and I now have an irratation in my LEFT eye.  So for the past two days I've been going to work with one contact lense--sort of making me a......(cough)....one-eyed monster.  And don't kid yourself, walking around with one eye working really throws your equilibrium off.  Luckily, its starting to improve, because I really don't wanna go on vacation with one good eye.

Big news on the home front as our very own Kellie Poe-Bowdren scored a "superior" on the flute in the county band competition.  This entitles Kellie to a few things:
1) A solo performance at the spring concert at her school.
2) Recognition as one of the county's best young instrumentalists.
3) The ability to give her brother untold grief for a solid year.  Andy only got an "excellent" on the oboe.  And since Kellie is certainly not one to crow like a rooster (Yeah, right).....well, let's just say that its a good thing that Andy just got promoted a belt level in tae-kwon do.  If Kellie gives him grief, when they get to school he can always tell Kellie to bow in his direction!

Kim and I are both really excited and getting ready for our trip to New York city at the end of the week.  We watched the news last night and saw major snowfall, and I'm crossing my fingers (without telling Kim) that it will remain until after we get there.  Since we'll be there four days, Kim has planned out 15 days of things to see.
Women.
She wants to eat at an authentic NY Italian restaurant.  She wants a chinese dinner in Chinatown.  She wants to eat an authentic NY deli.  And she wants to eat a hot dog from a NY city vendor.  Is she planning on bringing Tums?

Speaking of New York, let me close with a special word to one of my favorite t.v. shows.  NYPD Blue is having its final episode tonight.  I've been a faithful viewer for the past 12 years, and I'm going to miss Dennis Franz and his tremendous portrayal of Andy Sipowicz.  Its sort of ironic that Sipowicz was originally only going to be a supporting character--until David Caruso decided that he was a "star" and listened to some really horrible career advice by leaving.  Through a whole slew of cast changes, deaths, murders (on the show I mean), contract disputes, etc.....the heart and soul of the show has been the transformation of Andy Sipowicz from brutal, alchoholic & racist to the thoughtful leader of the squad and caring father.  Its a show and a character that I'll miss.

Later,
Jeff